The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.

Here's That Auxiliary Page I Was Talking About ...

Other selected information from our Davison that may be of interest. 

In no particular order ...

"Since he comes into contact with his energetic and self-assertive side in this relationship, he will constantly be on the look-out for challenges and opportunities for accomplishment. Demonstrating self-determination, putting plans into action quickly and without compromise, and finding enthusiasm for constantly new projects and objectives are highly valued. By promoting his own personal interests while taking the needs of others into consideration, he will gain the necessary self-confidence to make even more progress in his development."

"Every attempt at forcing your relationship into a socially accepted corset will fail for reasons internal to the partnership, and not external to it."

Yep. Because if I had grabbed an arm and pulled back in 2017, trying to force him to leave, I would have stayed controlling and he would have stayed codependent. A Recipe For Disaster. Any therapist would say the same.

"The gift of this relationship is the experience that invisible bonds can hold people together. All the same, hopes of controlling the course of this relationship by conscious means could end with pain and disappointment."

Which is why I reluctantly said no in 2017. When I see warnings as bad as this, I heed them!!

"In your common activities developing a personal sense of self-worth assumes great importance."

Have we said enough about this yet?? Codependency is a trust-killer, a relationship-ruiner, and a life-destroyer!

"As long as both of you remain capable of maintaining your discrete individuality, you will be able to mutually support each other to a considerable extent. In this case it is possible for each partner to function in a manner supportive of the other, without sacrificing personal interests. If this does not succeed, one partner may feel somewhat exploited by the other, and in respect to self-worth, disregarded. For both of you it is essential to be accepted for what you are and to do what both of you do best. Neither of you should settle for weak compromises - the reward you will probably get from this is certainly not what the two of you deserve."

... as if we needed yet more warnings on the subject.

"The question as to why you have met and what actually holds you together at the deepest levels is less important than the effect your relationship has on other people. Others are probably more concerned with the two of you and your affairs - directly or indirectly - than both of you yourselves. You will definitely have no lack of competent advisors in difficult times or in times of decision. Together, you possess the ability to inspire confidence in other persons so they can fully develop their own potentials."

I really think this refers to the fact that I'm writing about it.

"Both of you are pulling on the same rope, and you will also enjoy the fruits of your labors providing you never allow chaos and unclarities to take root. Your analytical minds and your eye for the essentials can assist you in checking disorder and confusion before they arise."

"Each of you feels accepted in your innermost being in a peaceful and gentle manner while in the presence of the other. This has the consequence that both of you are unfailingly determined to find a compromise between each of your various needs - even in difficult times when a possible crisis might have to be coped with. Neither of you would consciously do harm to the other and would sooner take the wishes of your partner into consideration in situations where this was not at all expected. Each of you constantly keeps the interests of the other in mind in a very loving manner. This can occasionally lead to a lack of initiative in undertaking activities alone, or in actively standing up or even fighting for your own personal interests, all for the sake of blessed harmony. This tendency to avoid conflict all too often creates an illusory harmony which does not benefit either of you in the end."

What this means is, It's an enmeshed codependent relationship, which will kill it if you don't SHAPE UP!!

"He could develop a new sense of self-worth in this relationship, regardless of his income. By providing for his own emotional fulfillment, he will become more independent emotionally and will be a better position to deal with the fleeting nature of human attachments."

"It could often be the case that she must play the role of the therapist who instinctively senses your common need to avoid fixations with other people and things. She knows - at least instinctively - that the experience of loss usually leads to later benefits for both of you."

Well, we lost, all right.

"It is conceivable that you are often confronted with individuals who are mentally unstable and need your help. Your difficulties remaining apart emotionally may lead to one of you overly identifying with the suffering of other people, and it might no longer be possible to get out of the 'helper and healer' role. Your own emotional exchange could suffer as a result so that one of you feels emotionally neglected and abandoned. Emotional chaos is a factor both of you will have to cope with again and again, thus it would help to discuss your feelings openly and honestly during times of greater clarity."

Um, code words for codependency.

"Both of you sense instinctively that your partner can help you track the suppressed personality qualities lying deep within you. Investigating unconscious motivations and instinctual behavior patterns has a special significance in your relationship. In this way, you obtain the opportunity to experience deep-reaching transformation at an emotional level. These experiences can help you to treat other people in a more courageous and honest manner."

Lots and lots and lots of descriptors of enmeshed codependency here.

"This relationship gives you the talent for bringing people together who would never have done so without your assistance, or for reconciling parties who would never have reunited without your intervention."

Because I'm writing about it? Can't think what else this would refer to.

"In this relationship, you possess an exceptional talent for relaying information effectively. This means that not only the communicative exchanges between the two of you have great significance, but that above all other people can profit from what both of you know and have to say."

"You probably find it difficult to integrate your thoughts and conceptions into concrete action all too often. As a result, you might make agreements or plans which you are not in a position to follow up or actually carry out. This is certainly not intentional, however. On the contrary, each of you has the definite intention of not only formulating ideas and conceptions within this relationship, but acting on them as well. If this is entirely impossible or only in another form, it could be the case that you were not concerned enough with the concrete circumstances beforehand."

Well ... I am now!

"Although he desires unambiguous circumstances and is also in need of them, complications and unclarities may arise in connection with financial and property matters - especially if third parties are involved. Confusions and false estimations might also occur in areas dealing with taxes and inheritance questions. All of this will teach him not to completely place his own security in the hands and values of other people."

"Security is theme number one for him in this relationship. The possible acquisition of material goods will indeed guarantee security in his daily existence, but in actuality his true objective is acquiring internal emotional security. Since this security is less obtainable with purely external means and arises from a healthy sense of self, sooner or later he will take recourse to his natural skills and talents."

"By learning to increasingly concentrate on essentials and not to waste his energies, the relationship with her can help him become more conscious of his true talents and capabilities."

"It is her task to develop concepts, locate weak points, perfect work and daily procedures, and to ward off pending disorder and chaos."

"In the end, she will have showed him how satisfying letting go can be, and how little spontaneity and liveliness remain when one is trapped in life circumstances no longer corresponding to one's own inner truth."

"She will be in constant motion, at least in thought. Her desire for communicative exchange is enormous and her hunger for knowledge is insatiable. She, however, would also like to pass on what she knows, thought through and accepted herself to other people. Together with her there will be a great deal of talking, telephoning, faxing, writing and discussing, as if it were a matter of life and death."