The Thinking Other Woman

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And Yet Another Card Reading Hits Me Between The Eyes

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on May 19, 2022 at 12:05 AM


Dirty Sally with Worthless, the mule.



So I'm watching a card reading last night, and this was said:


I was essentially counting on this person to help me do what I can't do on my own: Believe in myself.


It's true. If this guy had've shown up, I wouldn't have to wonder if what I understand about life really is true. I would know it was. I wouldn't second-guess the wisdom of constructing a fiction story that ends in happily-enough-ever-after when mine didn't. (What's the point of Disney myths? They are very harmful. It's a beautiful thing when two people elect to work hard on their own problems so they can have a good relationship with each other. But when it doesn't actually happen in your life ... isn't it just a silly Disney myth to write about it?? It didn't actually happen to you; and it doesn't actually happen to most people.)


If the guy had've shown up, I wouldn't have to cheer on and encourage myself. In a good relationship, partners do that for each other. How easy it is to say, "I think my work is crap, but my husband thinks it's great and he encourages me, so I will."


Isn't that what parents are supposed to do for their kids? And mine never did, only for things they wanted me to do or things that reflected well on them. Worst of all is "Indian-giver praise," where a parent praises you at the time only to throw it up in your face later that they did it, or to indicate later on that they really didn't think all that much of what you felt good that they praised you for at the time.


Kids grow up with a big hole where encouragement for the things they really wanted to do was supposed to be. (And I can show you where that is in my horoscope.) I didn't get any of that. I missed out on a dad whose emotional function is to encourage the kids, and now I've looked for a dad to do that for me my whole life.


But you are not supposed to be with a person because you need a dad. You are supposed to be with a person because you accept them as they are and they accept you as you are, not because you need them to supply you with an essential emotional function people are all supposed to have in their own minds. To do that is the foundation of an enmeshed codependent relationship, something we are warned about in our charts extensively.


Why can't I just see that what I write is valuable and go on and believe it and be proud of it and just do it? What's wrong with me??


Um, well, every time I offer something, the world ignores it (mostly), and I get a great big, "You aren't good enough and nobody wants or needs this."


I mean, I can see getting that through your twenties or your thirties and maybe even your forties, but I'm halfway through my fifties now. I'm going to be DEAD before I know it. If you struggle for thirty years and this world just doesn't want what you have, how are you supposed to believe it's good enough? How are you supposed to believe that the hours and hours and hours and hours you put in aren't just hubris, egotism, and narcissism? Why is it worth doing, if nobody sees it and nobody cares? Isn't writing meant to be read?? Isn't that why we do it???


And here is why we were together. Neither one of us can believe in ourselves. He doesn't believe he's worth loving, and, in a more work-related sense, neither do I. We're both trying to use each other to compensate for deficits in ourselves.


This is what the "twin-flame journey" really is. You're "two halves of the same soul" in that your life mission is to resolve the same emotional deficits acquired in childhood, and you think you NEED to be together because the other person resonates so strongly with your same problem. We just have the deficit in a slightly different area.


What I hate about these stupid card readings is they say, "Oh, well, too bad. Unless and until you repair this deficit in yourself, you just won't get anywhere. Sorry. You don't want to do that, so why are you even here? You're just going to pick this same guy again and go through this same unworkable nightmare again. You'd rather do that than fix the problem in yourself."


But I've TRIED to fix the problem in myself. I've TRIED to offer things I've written. If all the world can say is, "Sorry, you're just not good enough," what are you supposed to believe?


I've watched people write things that were absolutely execrable and go blindly on offering things that weren't edited, things that were formatted like a term paper, things with such serious issues that I couldn't even tell what was going on in their story. And they strutted around like peacocks while other people laughed at them out of earshot and shook their heads.


I don't want to be that kind of idiot. So, when people inform me I AM that kind of idiot ... I just quit.


Yet, when I just quit, my life feels absolutely meaningless. So, I try again, and nobody even notices I'm alive or that I wrote anything at all, and ... my life feels absolutely meaningless.


In the face of this, how are you supposed to fix it?


How are you supposed to feel good about yourself when the world can't tell you anything but NO?


Oh, and THEN castigate you for feeling discouragement, and then tell you you're barred from ever succeeding until you don't feel discouragement anymore?


Well, it's right about one thing. I AM trying to use this guy to help myself feel more legitimate in my writing. (I can't even call it "my work." "Work" is actually good enough to earn you a paycheck.)


But my job in life is to just forget about this guy, and wrestle with feeling worthy enough to write things and know that people should value them, even if they never do.


See, now that opens you up to feeling bitter. All writers who aren't at the top of the bestseller lists are like this, jealous and tearing down the ones who are. What did THEY do to deserve such runaway success? Why, Twilight's poorly written and Fifty Shades is just crap and why did THESE people deserve millions while I can't even get arrested?? *I* write better stuff than that person and gripegripegripegripegripe ...


I've listened to it for years. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be like those idiots who write the crap yet strut around telling everyone they walk on water.


I'm just supposed to believe in myself and put it out there and yet just walk away and don't look back, because no one will care and that isn't supposed to matter.


But it DOES matter.


He feels worthless and I feel worthless. That's why we were together; we both understand worthlessness.


We both understand worthlessness very, very well.


I'm told over and over again I'm supposed to be hearing from this guy soon. I'm not counting on it.


First, I see ZERO evidence that this is true, and second, I know it will never be true.


He feels too worthless. 


The only way we could ever win each other into our lives in a healthy relationship is if we didn't feel worthless anymore. And that will never happen. It's just too big an obstacle to overcome in this lifetime. Our parents made us feel so deeply, deeply worthless and we believed it so well, we can't overcome these huge, gaping, bleeding holes in ourselves.


All we're supposed to do in these our miserable lives, is struggle with feelings of worthlessness.


What constitutes winning that struggle???                 

Categories: What About Tarot Cards?, Life Lessons, The Twin Flame Journey