The Thinking Other Woman

... And Then I'm All Done Being Stupid.


As anyone can see, I've been watching the astrology of this time period very closely. 


The reason for this is that I know this person has transits reflecting the ability to do a significant amount of personal growth from now through the end of 2026. Including a change of relationship if that is what he really wants to do.


Not only that, but HER transits for the year after that???


OMG. I've been doing these transit watches for a number of years now, letting the computer pick a person's top 25-30 transits for the year, and usually they balance out about half and half. Half the transits sound dismal, and the other half sound okay.


Hers?? For 2027??? HOLY FUCKING SHIT.


I have never seen a transit report picked by this program reflect so very heavily someone being LEFT and having a very hard time with it. It's stacked something like 23-8.


Not odds I'd want.


So I've been observing this with fascination. How the HELL could this ever happen, if we never speak or see each other again? Obviously, we'd have to speak or see one another again, if this timeline were ever to come to fruition.


So then of course you go and look for the inciting firework. Which there would have to be to kick this timeline off. I mean, we'd have to speak SOMEtime. A cataclysmic event which would HAVE to reflect in the charts somewhere.


And I think I've found it and I've explained in prior entries why. Oh, and I forgot to mention on top of all that?? Mercury retrograde!


And all of that is over in three days. Well, Jupiter goes on to opp a few more things in his chart the rest of May, but The Big Yod-Hitters are done by May 10.


I don't see hide nor hair of this person. However, every single damn tarot reading I get tells me the same thing: "He doesn't feel good enough." "He thinks he messed up and now you hate him and you'll never speak to him again." "He's wondering what you're going to move on to now that he's royally screwed up." 


GAH. How awful. And, although other explanations present themselves as much more likely (He's happy in his family and glad nothing ever happened with you, you idiot!), the very thought that this is really the case is distressing. 


It would have been a terrible, terrible misunderstanding, and if this never happens--or if we simply could have reconnected and I could have let him know I don't think he's an idiot, I understand, and I don't hate him--I don't want it to be because of a terrible, terrible misunderstanding.


Yet, these are only silly tarot readings. To presume they have any contact with reality at all is ridiculous. I cannot barge in and speak to this person. Who really KNOWS what's going on at home?? If things really are good and he really is happy, I would be most unwelcome. I might be barked at and unceremoniously told off. Hard to believe from prior events ... but we haven't spoken in five and a half fucking years. One more grandchild and a momentous miscarriage happened in five and a half fucking years. Fuck knows what could have happened in that marriage. Maybe it was a miracle, and everyone's fine now.


Do I really want to take the chance of blundering into someone's DM's if THAT'S the case? Methinks: No.


Not only that, but I approached this person from the get-go. He didn't approach me, I approached him. I approached a married man.


I simply cannot EVER do that again. Ever, ever, ever, EVER.


So, speaking to him myself is out. No. Can. Do. And he's read enough here, he knows that. He knows why I don't speak. I wrote it. I know he read it.


But what if there really is this awful misunderstanding?? What if it really is the only reason this is all gone?? Or what if this really is the only reason we couldn't at least understand one another and maybe keep in touch once a year or something?


I have to do SOMEthing, and legally there's only one thing I can do, here. When all is said and done, I want to know I did every last little thing I could ... and there's only one little thing I can, in fact, legally do.


I liked a photo of his on Facebook. Just one photo, one time.


That, my friends, is all I can do.


I didn't expect this, but within the hour he came over here. I know because I haven't seen that Android phone, going straight to the blog and nowhere else, since December 30th. He didn't block me. He did come over here.


And perused the list of blog topics for approximately three minutes and thirty-five seconds, to be exact, and that was it.


Oy. What is one to make of that?


The obvious thing to make of it is that the guy feels sorry for me. Oh, there's that idiot again. Sure glad I stayed with my family. Thank FUCK that didn't go any further. Yep, posting that same old shit. Fuck knows I'm glad I got out of there! 


One could make the argument for, Oh, woe, I'm no good. I really messed up, she doesn't really want me reading anymore, I'm going to peek and go.


But when you're not speaking, no gesture is enough. ANY gesture is The Vague Gesture.


In any case, the chips are down, this is The Turning Point, and if it doesn't work out, I want to let go knowing it isn't my fault: I did everything I could humanly do. If I had been thinking I would have posted the preceding entry before I ever even clicked on the photo. But who fucking knew he'd show up within the hour I fucking clicked it??? For all I know, he wouldn't even see I'd been there, or he would have just ignored me, or even blocked me. That was what I was thinking; the thought didn't even occur I'd need to post that entry.


Oy.


I keep willing him to come back and find that entry and now this one ... but I can't make him do anything. And, The Tenth Of May Approacheth.


What if he doesn't come back?


I have decided that if I see no more from him by 11:45pm May 10th, I will Like one more photo. *EDIT: Actually, I went ahead and did this early. It didn't make sense to do it outside the window, and I saw some good Moon transits tomorrow I didn't want to miss. So, it's done, and if I'm blocked, told to leave him alone, or he just never comes back, that's it, and that's my answer.


And then he will receive no further interaction from me ever again in this life. I can't annoy someone who doesn't want me. It's time to move on. This will be forever over.


I can do one more stupid thing. Nobody will even care. 


But, it will be my last stupid thing.


I have to say I've learned a lot from all this.


1.) One thing I've learned, and this is obvious from my chart:


I have no air in my chart. In contrast to this person, whose chart is very "air-heavy." 


Air in a chart refers to practicalities, common sense, rationality. Thinking as opposed to emotions. I always aim way, wayy, wayyy too high in life because I have never been able to see what is realistic and what is not. I read too much silliness in my youth about this being "AMERICA!! WHERE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!" There's too much silliness in the culture about Disneylike magic, where you control any outcome just by thinking and feeling the right way. I once purchased this book by a person who ran these "vision workshops," where people imagined their dream life and made their little vision boards and supported one another and there was nary an unpleasant thought that Life Just Would Not Cooperate.


I believed in miracles. Probably because I needed one so badly in childhood.


And then--and this is all over my transits, too--I spent my life immiserated because Nothing I Ever Dreamed Worked Out.


(And when it did, curve balls like elderly relatives and brain cancer happened and snuffed it all out.)


This, friends, is what it is to have a yod in your chart.


So, I have learned that I have to QUIT OVERSHOOTING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS in my life.


This relationship? Was one HUGELY unrealistic expectation. I don't care if it gleamed in my eye and in the back of my mind almost twenty-five fucking years. Old me would say It Must Become Real, because I'm a little two-year-old and I waaaanted it for so long. 


New me says these things never work out, and the fact I've liked this particular person since 1999 just means I've been an idiot that long. Whew! Almost twenty-five years! That's quite an idiot record.


The fact that there are actual heavy transits telling me this really could have happened (especially since SO MUCH OF IT DID) ... just sort of means they're laughing in my face.


So, from now on I have to be realistic in my expectations. And we've already seen plenty of that in prior entries: What can I realistically expect? Well, I can expect to complete my home renovations. IF nothing bad happens to derail that. And I can expect that I will just become a little old fat woman, just going along and doing my work, and that will be it. I will end up in the same nursing home my elderly relatives died in once I start falling down, have a stroke, exhibit symptoms of Alzheimer's, or the neighbors become aware I haven't been seen in a few days and call the EMT's to break in and find me fallen and unable to get up.


That will be the rest of my existence. That is what I can realistically expect.


2.) The other thing I've learned is that I Have To Put Nourishing Things Here.


Yearning and yearning after something that didn't happen, isn't happening now, and will now never happen, isn't nourishing to me. It causes me a lot of pain, and now that it isn't going to happen there's no point anymore.


Crying over it won't change it. Crying over it doesn't control anything, except to make my mental state as painful as possible. 


And there's no point in that. I may be here thirty years more without this person. Crying over what a shame it was and what could have been is only going to make me miserable.


It will never accomplish anything more than that.


And I've been miserable for ten years now.


Isn't that enough?


Putting anything here in its place that is nourishing is going to be challenging, because nothing much appeals that I have any realistic chance of doing, and I don't have a lot to look forward to. But, from now on, I'm going to have to reach for the most nourishing thing I can find, even if it isn't much, and stop crying for that thing whose time is about to pass.


Because once it's passed, we're on the other timeline, and there's no going back.


So, I'm going to have to challenge myself to find nourishing things to do and think about, and to put this behind me.


Because if he doesn't come now, he most certainly will never come again.


And I could choose to cry about it the rest of my life, but it will only make my life ever and even more miserable to continue to do that.


So ... three days left.


And then it's onward. Whether I really wanted to or not.