A Last Letter to You on the Eve of The Crucible
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on April 1, 2023 at 10:45 PM|
Years ago, long before I married Mark, I recall being curled up on the couch late one night, reading articles related to the master's degree I was pursuing in clinical psychology, and I found myself startled by what one respected psychologist had to say about long-term marriages: "Don't celebrate the union of two people who've been married for fifty years until you understand what that relationship has done to their souls."
--Katherine Woodward Thomas.
I know you'll never come back here and there's no point writing. But I'm going to do it anyway.
There's no doubt Something Big is going on in the astrology in 21 days. It will be over by May 10th. Based on that and other things I've seen and am seeing, I know I'll be putting this sadly behind me after that. Right now, really. Iknow there's no point hoping anymore.
I know I've sounded angry on here a lot, and I'm sorry about that. I can't force you to do anything and I don't want to. Whatever you do, I want you to do it because you are thinking for yourself and because it is best for YOU. Not your son, not your daughter, not Rory, not me, not the people down the street, not the people who've known you since before you got married, not your cousin, not your brother, and for fuck's sake not Rory's brother and sister.
Somebody's got to do something for YOU at some point in your life. Generally, that's YOU, as no one else lives in your head and knows what is truly best for you.
I've spent a long time figuring out how to get on with my life alone. There won't ever be anyone else like you and Bob. Even if there were, people are pretty look-ist and I'm 54 and fat. I'm a much tougher person now and I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. I'm grateful for everything I've learned through all of this and everything knowing you has taught me.
The fact is, I would be here if you would be here, but you aren't going to be here. It takes two people to make a relationship, and for the past eight years there's only been one here.
I did all I could. At least I know I did all I could. I studied, I learned, I waited. I put things here so you would know I was still here if you ever wanted to be or thought you could be, and I know you saw them. But I can't cross the line and come get you ever again.
I did that ONE time, and I will never do it again. Especially when I think I know, but I don't really know, how that would be received. Just because I think I know how it is over there for you doesn't mean I'm correct. So, without your express permission to speak to you, I never will.
You're married. How was I supposed to come and get you again? I couldn't. I did everything I could, I did it for eight years, and that's long enough. I've done all I can, learned all I can, and been here all I can. If something doesn't change now, there's no way any future we could have had can happen. So: Now I have to accept it. I'm single. And that's the end of it.
A big part of what I was supposed to do in this life was be alone and learn to take care of myself. I'm still on the journey of doing that. As I get older I suspect there will be a lot more to learn. I have to make myself happy on my own, so that's what I'm going to learn how to do.
If you were ever able, you could catch up. You would still be welcome. But you're 64, and if you don't get there very soon, it will be too late. Our lives will go in different directions forever.
And that's what I expect.
I wish for you everything good. Please take care of yourself and be as happy as you can.
Thank you for everything. Thank you for being here when no one else was, and for sharing this connection with me.
I love you. And, yep, I love you forever. You are a special person, with a wonderful mind and heart and a lot of special gifts. I wish you knew how wonderful you really are.