The Thinking Other Woman

"Then said Almitra, speak to us of love. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said, When love beckons to you, follow him. Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you, believe him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste to the garden. For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you. Even as love is for your growth, so is it for your pruning. Even as love ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall love descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Love threshes you to make you naked. Love sifts you to free you from your husks. Love grinds you to whiteness, and kneads you until you are pliant. And then love assigns you to its sacred fire, so that you may become sacred bread for god’s sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you so that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of life’s heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."

--from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran.


Yeah. I get it.


Well, this person hasn't been back. I think his New Year's resolution was to finally get the fuck out of here, be in his family, and forget all about me, and that's good, because it is best for everyone. If he's never coming back, best we move on and forget all about each other forever. We're all gone now. *POOF!*


I sure learned a lot from this. Pretty much all of it was painful. But, it's all done now. We'll never see one another again, so there's no point in even thinking about this anymore. We've learned all we could. He chose his daughter, his wife, and his home. 


Good for him!


Now it's time for me to sling my pack over my back and continue on down the trail alone.


I don't see anything ahead of me. It's pretty certain that tomorrow is going to look just like yesterday, until something happens to my health and it's time to move into a nursing home and wrap life up.


Oh, well. If something different is supposed to happen to me, it's going to have to tap me on the shoulder and announce itself. I'm through picking out things that won't work, and my chooser has been broken since birth.


So, I guess I'm getting up and going to work tomorrow. I see no way to change anything about my life, and no way it ever will change. And the thing is, I have no idea what to want anyhow. Things I want haven't worked, so wanting and planning and having goals doesn't seem to be a very good idea anymore.


I'm supposed to accept life the way it is. So, okay, I'm doing that.


I just wish I were happier with it.


They still have a thread in their charts of being able to solve things and be happy in their relationship. I sincerely hope they do. At least two of us can be happy, right? And if you're going to stay married, why not do the work so you can be happy and fulfilled, rather than staying mired in misery and unhappiness with one another? Jesus. Go back to counseling, do the work, and be happy. You're staying together anyway. 


Might as well be happy if you're staying where you are, right?


Anyway, that's the end. I have no more dealings with these people or any stake in what happens to them at all. They're a million miles away, and our paths diverge a million miles more every second. We broke up even though we really didn't want to, and then we stayed broken up and we stayed broken up and we stayed broken up. I couldn't speak anymore because he was married, and he could have spoken and didn't.


What happens after that is, We're broken up forever.


So why think about it any more? All there is, is me now. 


All those old relationships in my old life are over. I'm never going back to anything in that life. That life, those activities, and all the dreams from that time are done.