The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.


Well, THIS Experience Was Really Sad ...

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 23, 2022 at 10:15 PM

(And, you know, I know you're here so you might as well just read it. Sheesh.)

So, in my ongoing writing-about-infidelity career on Medium and YourTango, I often find myself railing against the common assertion that "Infidelity is ABUSE!!!" while the cheated-on person pretty much can treat the cheater A-N-Y way they please both before AND after the affair, and their behavior is sacrosanct. One of the fellows I follow was told he just wouldn't be having sex ever again, because the wife had decided she just didn't feel she wanted that anymore, and when he asked for marriage counseling the answer was NO.

Fast forward two years. The guy started corresponding with a female sex writer online, and they met and had a wild passionate affair and fell deeply in love. (Get ready for it ... here it comes ...)

When at long last the guy confessed the affair, Wife was destroyed. Devastated. At LONG last she finally came around and decided marriage counseling might be a good idea. But by then the guy was so hooked he simply couldn't give his girlfriend up--and Girlfriend put up quite a fight, sobbing and crying about it all over social media. These two broke up and got back together again SOMETHING LIKE FIFTEEN TIMES.

Wifey pulled on one arm, Girlfriend pulled on the other, teenaged kids at home were upset ... oh, the drah-mah. Now that Wife has decided she doesn't want the husband anymore ...

(FUCK am I glad I DIDN'T DO THIS.)

... we have the scenario where Wife has pulled back and decided she wants nothing more to do with Husband ... and NOW Husband is all about the family life he will have no more, canonizing the marriage and missing the kids, and just groveling and self-flagellating himself into the very dust for this horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible thing he's done to His Poor Wife. 

Wife doesn't want Husband anymore. She has accepted the end of the marriage. So now Husband doesn't want anything more than to go back home, resume the marriage (complete with sexlessness and a wife who feels no need to work on herself OR the marriage, one assumes), and the sad girlfriend is accepting the end of the relationship and going on with her life alone. Because Husband feels SO guilty that he has elected to live on only $800 a month and remain in his parents' house, so his wife and kids can get everything else he makes. He can't afford to get a place with Girlfriend ... no money.

And we have several interested commenters popping in to announce that, a.) Husband has indeed done a Terrible, Abusive Thing No One Deserves (even if Wife did expect another person to remain chained in a sexless marriage for the rest of his life AND refused marriage counseling UNTIL there was another woman in the picture), and b.) Meanwhile, there is nothing abusive about expecting someone to remain faithfully married and deny them sex, oh, for THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. While refusing to work on either themselves or the relationship.

Usually, I refrain from commenting on this person's articles anymore, but This Was Too Much.

I responded to that commenter's hypothesis with


And those last two really made me sad.

Here we are talking about all the ways people can accomodate themselves to the fact that sexual and physical (and probably emotional) closeness will never be part of a marriage ever again, forever more (since one person is expected to work on themselves and making everyone else happy and the other person isn't), and ...

If my guy had've stuck with me, HE WOULD NEVER HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THAT.   

(Unless, quite possibly, I were dying.)

I mean, Jesus fuck, man:  I KNOW ALL THIS ALREADY!

I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER DO THIS TO SOMEONE. I already went through all this with my late husband, when I had my hysterectomy, and I even know now some things I would change and want to do better.

And here I am alone, and there he is with someone very like the wife discussed in this fellow's pieces about his affair. (At least, as far as I know. I could be wrong, and I hope I am!! But if I'm not ...)

I wished, I waited, I hoped.


This guy wants to stay in that shit.

He's going to be there for the rest of his life.

He's never coming back. 

I guess if I want to be that nice to somebody, I'm going to have to find somebody else to be that nice to.

And I'll never find anyone quite like that guy ever again ... if I could even find anyone, at my age and weight. And he's going to be there in that marriage alone, making the kids and the fam happy for the rest of his life.

It reminds me of my stepfather ... whom I just found out this morning died on the 17th. A former coworker who moved to their hometown saw it in the local paper and messaged me with condolences on Facebook. My brother didn't even message me to tell me. Wow.

I really felt bad for my stepfather, being married to my mother. My brother and I were stuck there, but he could have divorced her, and I wouldn't have blamed him one little bit. My mother acted so awful. Jealous of me all the time as if I were a rival for his affection (and I can tell you truthfully, N-O-T-H-I-N-G was going on), jealous of Lions Club, jealous of everything he did, lazy as shit, expecting to be taken out all the time because SHE didn't want to cook, spending money like there was no tomorrow and then when financial trouble hit, SHE shouldn't have to work!

And there she is calling ME lazy for not wanting to own my own practice when that fucking nitwit couldn't even drive or handle a damn checkbook until she was fucking thirty-five years old. Making me clean half the house every Friday the instant I got home when she was home all the time. Asshole. We all put up with her fucking breakdowns over being sexually abused by my grandfather, yet nothing my stepfather did was good enough for my mother. 

He subcontracted work for a general contractor that stiffed him and wouldn't pay him (kind of like Donald Trump, natch!) and lost his business and my mother turned me and my brother against him. Finally I saw through her shit, but I was, thankfully, out of the house by then. Away from all that screaming and all those arguments.

After years and years of this, my mother started complaining that my stepfather was coming home drunk. Well, guess what?? It wasn't alcohol, IT WAS STROKES.

By the time my stepfather was diagnosed, his blood pressure was 300. He'd had several terrible strokes ... and what do I hear? Here he is lying in his hospital bed, gravely ill, and my brother tells me my mother is standing over him screaming at him for not taking care of himself ... and he's lying in bed crying.

This is so sad. This is so, so sad.

My mother is such a goddamned idiot.

My stepfather descended into vascular dementia, and spent perhaps the last ten years of his life wandering off, leaving the stove on, driving off into the county and getting lost, thinking he had to be somewhere on a job.

My brother and mother both talked about him as if they hated him.

No doubt he is glad to be free of this life, and I don't feel sorry for him dying. No doubt he rued the day he ever met my mother.

He could have divorced her.

But he stayed because he was afraid of owing alimony, and because he thought he had to.

What a sad, sad, sad, sad, horrible, miserable life.

Oh, well. It was his choice. No one else could make it for him.

Me, I got the fuck on out of there, and I don't ever want to speak to my mother again. I don't care to go to her funeral, either. The idiot.

Like my stepfather, and like my father, "Chi" is choosing to stay married. He thinks he has to. Ohhh, money, and What Will People Say???

I imagine it will end better for him. (After all, once he's debilitated, demented, and in the nursing home, the kids really will run his life, so I guess it's a good thing to stay on good terms with them at his age.)

At least, I hope it will end better for him.                       


Categories: Current Happenings, Post-Mortem, Now That It's All Over, Love.