The Thinking Other Woman

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My Entire Life Has Been a Ghost Life

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 6, 2022 at 3:20 AM

I've heard, and it makes lots of sense, and I already knew this, that once you're a whole, happy person who's engaged in something they love that feels purposeful to them, you're just going to naturally attract the people who click, fit, are available, and feel right.


The trouble is, I can't do that anymore.


I have purged out everything that was never going to work, but I can't identify things that ARE going to work.


Things that were never going to work:

1.) I was never going to be a novelist. I don't have the talent. I don't even have a
story anymore.


As long as I believed I did, I could connect to people through that, but now I know it was just a pipe dream that's always going to be disappointing. It made me feel like a failure, and that was bad for me.


2.) I can't write a screenplay. It's never going to work. I had a big false identity all around telling myself I could do that and it was gonna happen someday.

I can't do that.


I'm 54. It's never gonna happen someday.



And I didn't have anything else, and all my relationships that clicked, that fit, that felt right, grew out of that.



And now I don't have it anymore. I don't have those relationships anymore.


One of those people turned out to be an obnoxious, classist, racist Trump supporter.


One of those people started on a path that could have been healing and could have been a relationship, and then stuttered-uh-uh-uh and flamed out. That person is GONE and WILL NEVER BE BACK.

I just don't have that fiction hobby anymore. It was all based on be-BIG-enough-to-impress-my-family thinking and on a life goal that was never right for me and will never happen. I pursued it with my husband and we had fun dreaming, but even then I could see he wasn't going to make it either, and it was just a thing we were telling ourselves, trying to feel significant.


It wasn't real. So I gave it up as a way of giving myself self-esteem, telling myself I Was Gonna Do Some Great Thing, and now it's gone.


I grew up thinking that if I could just be helpful enough, I would get the love and attention I needed. Well, we all know THAT'S SHIT.


You can't help anyone who doesn't want help, who is afraid of change, and who feels safest staying the same.


This person doesn't want to be here, so he won't be here. End of story. He's showing me that with his behavior. "You said leave, and I'm not ready to argue, so I'll leave and stay gone."


Done with that.


The trouble is, nothing is here to take the place of all this.


Sure, I dribble and drabble in writing this and that, and I've been able to pay a few bills and I'm in the top 20 on YourTango and that's a HUGE site and that's been good ... but I can't really say I feel connected with any kind of life purpose doing this. It isn't coalescing into A Thing.


And in the meantime I'm dragging myself to the day job and paying the bills and just going through motions that I have to go through or else I'll be bankrupt and homeless--and that's no reason to do anything,


except that all of American society has been trained and trained and taught and taught that we should expect servitude like this from everyone, and people who don't want to work like slaves at unfulfilling stuff and pay their tithes to their corporate overlords and landlorders should be thrown out to starve.


It's all about keeping a few little rich and "successful" people rich and successful. And the rest of us miserable so those few can be held high.


And none of this feels like it fits anywhere. It doesn't add up to a life that makes sense.


Back when I believed I was Going To Be A Novelist and that was my contribution to the world and my whole identity was built on that, I felt connected and fulfilled and purposeful and happy and had relationships that clicked and felt like they fit and a life that felt like it made sense.


The only problem was, none of it was true.


Now, all of that is gone, and no new purpose is here.


I don't have a tribe. I'm just floating aimlessly in life. I can't be a whole, connected, purposeful, energized person who believes in herself without that purpose anymore, and relationships don't come along with that, either.


Not that I need or care about relationships anymore. Many of us are going to be alone in the nursing home and we're going to die alone, and we'd better be ready for that.


Most relationships die long before we do, and that's a fact.


But if we can't feel like we're living a right livelihood in a right purpose that fits and clicks for us, we're just floundering around in life and nothing works. And that's where I am now.


UGH. Thanksgiving. I have a coworker who knows I am all alone in life, and invites me to her family's Thanksgiving and Christmases. Which is sweet. But I don't fit there. I'm sure these are nice enough people, but we'd never even know each other or want to know each other if we didn't know this one connecting person. We have nothing in common.


You can't borrow another person's family.


It used to be that I'd spend Christmas and birthdays and Thanksgiving with these last two elderly relatives in the nursing home who died, and it would just be sad, or I'd be at home remembering happier times with my husband and feeling sorry for myself that no one was left who cared about me,


                      like a little homeless child sitting alone on the street corner with no parent to love it or take care of it.


Now, I don't give a shit. I'd rather be alone than struggling to make small talk with people I just don't fit with and barely remember.


This is why I say you can't solve the loneliness problem in society by just throwing people together. There has to be some kind of clickiness, some kind of stickiness, some kind of goodness of fit that works.


I had that once upon a time with people who were all trying to write novels. Now I don't have any purpose or any clue what my purpose should be, so of course I can't find a soul tribe.


I can't even find a place in the world for what I can do. How can I even set about finding a place where there might be clickiness and stickiness and goodness-of-fit?


I clung to an old dream of fixing someone else because I didn't have any other way of being.


                          What I really need is the new way of being to just show up,


                 because you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be here               and you can't have a relationship with someone who isn't here              anymore and you can't have commonness of purpose in a purpose that was never really yours and you can't fit in a life you just dreamed up because some schoolteacher told you you could write and other people admire people who can perform this one feat YOU actually can't perform.


I already know what isn't going to work and what I can't do.


What I need is what IS going to work and what I CAN do to reveal itself. Because otherwise all I have is an empty life of doing what I have to do to pay bills and dreaming about what could have been if someone had been ready to do something he will never be ready to do.


People who have a purpose have everything.


People who don't have a purpose have nothing. They don't even have relationships, because they can't even find that soul-tribe goodness-of-fit that's right for them and that they themselves are right for.


Am I just going to be rubbing along here, doing-what-I-have-to-do-to-pay-bills-so-society-doesn't-throw-me-out-on-the-street forever??


Because longing to have a purpose back that I could never do and longing to have a person back who doesn't want to be here is no way to live.


I would like for something to be revealed that WILL FIT and WILL WORK.


This existence really isn't even worth having.


It sucks.                                    

Categories: Post-Mortem, Now That It's All Over