|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 5, 2022 at 5:35 PM|
Don'tcha just motherfucking HATE life???
Very often I see this perspective that life isn't going to get better for us unless and until we "Just Believe!!!!"
However, everything I've "Just Believed!" in has tanked, died, or disappeared over my 54 years. I've had to understand that my husband was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it, that I was going to get old, fat, and slow, and largely there isn't a whole lot I can do about it (I can't help that I keep getting injured, and the level of starvation it would take to get me to a single digit size isn't something I want to undertake. And even if you are a single digit size, you're still old).
That a person I've dreamed of being with for a number of years was going to leave and never come back. That I'm not talented enough to write a novel that could ever even get an agent, let alone get reads from anyone on Wattpad, much less even get support from the one group of people who are supposed to support you ... my writer's group.
I've had to accept that, while I may be able to write things that make some money on Medium, and I can write things that land in the top 20 on YourTango every month, I have to pay to be on YourTango, not the other way around, and there's nowhere to go from here.
I used to dream about having some kind of purpose in my life. Well, it looks like my purpose is to work, work, work the job, job, job until I'm too old and sick to work anymore, and then end up alone in a nursing home. IF we don't all vote RethugliKKKan next week, and those motherfuckers abolish Social Security and Medicaid like they did Roe vs. Wade.
They're all chomping at the bit to do just that. And we idiots eat that up. (If we don't, we're "communists" and "unpatriotic!")
I don't anticipate that I will ever be able to remodel, or fix the water damage in here. Can't I at least do that?? Doesn't look like it.
I have seen a tarot reading recently that says I could be happy and have better things happen, only my entire problem is I've let this DUMP by a married man spoil my entire outlook on life.
Well, sorry, but it isn't just that!
After a shitty childhood with a mentally ill mother, no friends in school because I was the one with the "kick me" sign, and then the miserable dynamic of falling for people who didn't even know I was alive--something I'm told is a common pattern for kids from an abusive or neglectful childhood--then, let's see ...
I struggled and struggled for years in a career, always on the edge of poverty, until that finally got better JUST as I found a great and wonderful relationship, with a guy who died not even seven years after we were married.
Everyone said, "Have big, BIG DREAMS!!!" Which we did.
Until it turned out we were just ordinary people, and big dreams were going to turn into very big disappointments.
Then I got dumped, and this lovely tarot reading I'd like to kick from here to Kingdom Come says my only problem is I let that convince me there's simply no hope for my life from now on.
I think I have a lot more than just that convincing me there's simply no hope for my life from now on.
And I think it's a little unfair to expect anyone's hopes to just POP back up again like a jack-in-the-box after a life like this one.
I'm sorry, wasn't having exaggerated, impossible dreams for what could happen in life most of the reason I ended up disappointed and dejected in the first place?? And what idiot in their right mind wouldn't experience a life like this and not feel completely convinced that the Universe had just set its face against them, and there was simply no hope forever?
After all, if you can't get anywhere when you're young and in your prime, why would you expect to get anything to go well once you're old and one year away from qualifying for senior living apartments???
I wish the Universe would make some allowance for the simple fact that constant adversity and disappointment depresses people, and for simple reality thinking, instead of blaming us for not being Pollyanna after the kind of life I've had.
Worse, however, was the suggestion that the reason the relationship doesn't work out is because I can't pull myself out of "My whole life is ruined forever" thinking.
That one really sucked.
Of merit is the suggestion that I've basically let this person kill the rest of my life. Because it's true, when you can't do anything but sit at home depressed, sure nothing good will ever happen to you again for the rest of your life unless this person comes back, nothing good ever will.
How can it? You're sitting alone depressed, and you won't do anything!
But then again, what was I supposed to do? Because I already tried the "I'll just go out and meet new friends!" thing ages ago, and nothing clicked and nothing stuck and nothing fit.
Because I have dropped most of the things I used to think were fun leisure pursuits.
Because I have learned the hard way, the conventional advice to Dream Big doesn't have good results for me.
Supposedly, I've learned all my spiritual lessons and new love is ready to come in, but I'm holding it back because I don't see a future, I'm all "woe is me," I think I'm stuck here and life is always going to be the same.
I'd be great if I could just be happy with what there is, but I can't. It's so ... bleah.
Who knows what the new love is? For some people, the Runner finally wakes the fuck up, but for some people, this runner broke down on the highway, and then someone stole his tires and put sugar in his gas tank ... and then a sinkhole swallowed him and his car both up!
All evidence suggests the latter in this case. This person won't speak, and hasn't even visited in over a week. This isn't evidence this person will ever wake up. If I ever am going to get anything else in my life ever again that feels better than this, I need a new mantra:
"Who cares? I'm meeting somebody else anyway."
I certainly don't believe I'm ever going to meet anyone else.
I don't want to date. Fuck knows I don't want to do online dating sites. I don't go anywhere I would meet anyone. I don't want to meet anyone.
I just want to accept the life I have, find a purpose that feels real in it, and just be happy the way I am. I am DONE asking this universe for anything.
But I'll be in a lot better mood if, instead of feeling so, so, so sad all the time that this person is stuck in the mud and nothing will ever happen with him ever, ever again, I just blow those thoughts away from now on and go, "Who cares? I'm meeting someone else anyway!"
There's no point in being miserable over how this ended for the rest of my life. It doesn't help anyone.
He'll never grow up, he'll never be any less codependent, he'll always be stuck in low self worth for ever and ever more, nothing I do, nothing I say, nothing I think can ever impact this person in any way whatsoever. He's just like my mother. He won't apply himself, and I can't make him.
It certainly doesn't help me. If I can just tell myself one thing that helps blow off the sadness of what happened here and move on to something else and forget about it, it will be better for me. Not much better, because I really don't expect shit--I AM 54, fat, old, tired, and stuck in the day job for the rest of my life--but at least it will feel better for a few minutes.
"Who cares? I can't help him, and I'm meeting someone else anyway!"
Now, if I could just find some sense of real purpose in the life I have. Not some dream life with some dream accomplishments I will never have the talent or the opportunity to do, but just happy in what is, what I can do now, without having to make any big changes or score any big accomplishments I can't make.
I can't even jog a 6K anymore, for fuck's sake. I can't even walk two miles. Let's try to be realistic, here.