The Thinking Other Woman

***5/12/23: Lately someone keeps coming right here. On a phone. Nowhere else, just directly here. If this is you, please check out the entire topic list. There are some things there for you and yes, it's okay with me if you read them!

So, I wrote the previous entry, and I was very sad. I cried and wished more than anything he would come back and see that. I wanted him to know how I felt.

IT HAPPENED.

Like, almost immediately. I looked at Google Analytics, and there was an Android phone, coming directly to that post, RIGHT after that happened.

This has happened twice before. One time, when we were still "together" and planning that he would divorce, I woke up feeling ... um ... very randy at 5am. I told him about it later, and turns out ...

The second time, we had been broken up for ... a year and a half, two years?? I found myself thinking about him and hoping he didn't hate me for what had happened. I thought to myself that I just wanted a sign somehow that things were okay.

A couple of days later, I was taking an online astrology class and I got bored and opened another window and browsed Facebook. I posted something, and while I was sitting there staring at the screen, his name popped up. He liked my post, and then about five minutes later, removed the "like." I was so surprised and happy to see that, the neighbors probably heard me scream.

I had a couple of telepathic moments with my late husband, too. He spent two years in Michigan while we were dating, fixing up an old house to sell. One night, I came to his apartment to collect the mail and water his plants and looked at his picture on the wall and sent him love and a kiss. He claimed he thought of me and knew I was thinking of him at the time.

Another time, I was working out of town and staying at a motel he passed on his way back to Michigan. I had read a book about telepathic communication and one of the things it said to do was to ask the universe for a flower. So, I did that.

We talked later and he said he had had the strongest urge to stop and leave me a flower on my car when he passed by! He didn't do it, but he had thought of it.

So, that's two telepathic moments for me and my late husband, and THREE for me and Chi.

Now: Does this mean anything?

No.

Tarot is still telling me this guy is just too weak to do the work. That's what he said from the very beginning, that's what he said the last time we spoke, and that's the way it is now.

This guy had lots of potential to attack codependency and low self-worth and to progress ... but he's not going to do it.

Guess who else didn't want to do her work?? So, guess who he's going to stay with. Going to DIE WITH.

We've had eight years now to do the work it would have taken for BOTH of us to mature enough to have the relationship we wanted. I did the work and he didn't.

And he won't and doesn't want to. Too hard ... too scary ... too painful. (As if the shit I've done the past eight years wasn't painful!) But, come to think of it ... that was when we first started talking and typing online. Eight years ago next month.

I miss those times. He was just so great to talk to and so great to spend time with. I miss him.

But, it doesn't matter.

So, we're not going to be a match for one another anymore, and this will be the end of it. I move on to whatever, and he stays behind, makes the kids happy, and I guess he ends his life depressed forever.

That certainly is in his transits, just as much as the ability to get well and move triumphantly on to a new relationship is.

His family line will be forever better off because of the job he did raising his kids ... but all the pain of the dysfunction in that family line comes to rest in HIM.

That means HE is the one who doesn't heal and who dies miserable.

Sad to say, this is all a choice. It didn't have to be this way. It doesn't have to be this way still!!

There's still time!! He could find himself a kick-ass therapist (i.e., one who will KICK HIS ASS), knuckle the fuck down, and save himself this miserable fate!!

The good work transits are coming!! He doesn't have to be like his wife WHO DIDN'T USE HERS. If he buckled down and WORKED he could use those instead of the miserable, die-sick ones!!

However, tarot is saying no. Not this guy. He's too lily-livered and too much of a WIMP.

I never wimped out on him.

Oh, well. What I'm given to understand is it's the end of a cycle. We had contracted to enter this cycle to give ourselves a chance to make it work, and I gave it every chance I could, and this guy ...

... thought it was too hard and wimped the fuck out.

Okay. There isn't anything I can do about it. He gets to choose the path he wants, and this is the path he wants. Personally, if I were him, I would work like heck to get out of the ending of the path he's on, but WTF? There is no accounting for taste.

I'm told I have learned all the spiritual lessons I am supposed to have learned from this, and can now go on to a better future. I'm told I will meet someone else. I guess all those good Neptune transits I see around the end of 2025 and always believed would be him are going to be someone else now.

IF it happens at all. Kind of hard to believe at this point. Nobody wants an old, fat hag.

I'm told that I can take all I've learned and build something rewarding with it. I have no idea what that is. Everyone in my second writer's group hated my last novel. I'm pretty sure I can neither plan nor write fiction. Nobody is buying my book, earnings are way down on Medium, and I may be a top writer on YourTango, but they don't pay me, I pay them.

They devoted part of their last online class to my articles for September. I didn't get to go to the class--I was in a therapy appointment--but I watched it later and here are these editors telling all these THERAPISTS how I made my articles work!

So, who knows. One would THINK one could do something with that, but I have no idea what.

I start NCGR astrology school tomorrow. You have to learn all this astronomy. It's intimidating. It's possible to sit for the certification exam and become a PAA, but ... I'll have to see if I a.) have the money. Just this class was $745!! and b.) if I can learn all this astronomy and how to draw charts by hand.

I always wanted to find other love triangles and diagram them out the way I've diagrammed ours on this website, and maybe do a book of some kind. I don't know. Guess we'll see.

Either way, I don't expect any more from this connection. It's over. I'm very sad, and I feel sorry for him and me. It doesn't have to be this way. He could do the work. There's still time!!

But if he won't do it, I can't torture myself over him any more. It's just like my mother: There's nothing I can do for him, and all it does is hurt me.

So, it's time to put this behind me and move on.

That doesn't mean it was never meant to be, or that I was an idiot, or that it was time wasted.

It WAS meant to be, and it COULD have been something--could STILL BE something if the idiot would WAKE UP--and no, I could never have gone and had another relationship, because I needed to do all the work this occasioned and I wasn't healthy enough to be in a relationship.

My late husband was just the right fit for the problems I still had from childhood. And the astrology was right--he was standing in the way of my growth. If he hadn't have died, I would have remained a codependent little child forever. A sad way to look at it, but true.

If Chi does not change, HE will remain a codependent little child forever.

And that's his choice, and there's nothing I can do. I have done all I could.

He still has time to change his mind, but I have to prepare myself for the eventuality that he won't.

I just have to leave him there and move on. There's no more point waiting. Rory isn't going to die anytime soon, and if I waited that long, we'd both be in nursing homes by then.

Mark? Wake up, please. You're the one who's going to suffer if you don't, and, NO, you DON'T deserve to, and it's almost too late. Even if you do stay home, please, please, please, PLEASE.

Get a new therapist who knows how to get stuck codependents unstuck and will KICK YOUR BUTT. Remember that purple book I gave you? Pick! It! Up!!

Pick up all those other books that were "too depressing" to read. DO IT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

I hope I will see you again, but I fear I will not. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life depressed, self-loathing, lonely, and miserable. WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP AND DO YOUR HEALING WORK, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

If not, I guess this is the end.

I'm so, so sorry it didn't work out.

I love you!

Goodbye ...

EDIT: So after this happened, I realized there HAD to be some transits going over that discussed this. And there were ...discussed here: **I'm replacing this link and directing you instead to the menu bar. The article with the relevant transits is also called, "This Was Amazing" under the Astrology tab, and has an auxiliary page with a few other interesting tidbits from our Davison relationship chart.