The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.
 

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MY AFFAIR PARTNER DOES NOT OWE ME HAPPINESS

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 26, 2022 at 11:10 AM

If only it could have been, if only it could have been, if only it could have been …


Man. How many times have I thought that over the past seven years?


The problem with it is, it isn't true.


When we meet someone, anyone - whether they're married or not - we automatically start this mental picturing process about what things will be like when we're together and what kind of life we're going to have.


Sad to say, those imaginings are mostly about us and what we think we need to be happy. 


And what we think we need to be happy is mostly a sticky, prickly, tangled-up ball of thorns leftover from whatever we didn't get from parents and family in childhood.


When we meet that other person, it's all about our parents. Some therapists wax eloquent about research studies and dopamine, serotonin, evolution, whatever. But, you know? Something has to trigger that massive chemical release. 


And that's generally our thoughts. And those thoughts come from whatever our lives previous to that have taught us.


Things get even stickier when somebody's already married. Because the first thing that other woman or man does is extract a promise: Will you leave your spouse so we can be together?


I'm not too happy thinking back to the time I did that.


What was I thinking?


Well, I was thinking that this person was successful, and I didn't expect to be, so if I traded love for protection, I would have to worry much less about getting older.


I was thinking that I didn't have any family. I didn't have any friends and really didn't know how to make any, and this was the funniest, smartest, and most gregarious person on earth. How nice it would be to fit in, with this person to grease the way!


I was thinking that finally, at long last, all the shit I went through in childhood would be for something. Everything I had learned about growing up in a difficult home with difficult parents, I could use to make someone else happy, to show them they were loved, and that they weren't what their sick home growing up told them they were.


And of course the guy was handsome and sexy and adorable and lovable. Of course there was all that.


But this other stuff?

              That was all my job.


I'm supposed to make my own way financially and find my own friends and make my own life into something I'm happy with, not put it all on someone else and make it their job.


Here I was, unhappy with "that mean old wife" because it certainly looked as if she had done some of that, and now I'm going to treat this poor guy the same way myself?


Sometimes we call this love, but it isn't a very loving thing to do.


All I can do if I really love the person is hope he heals his own childhood wounds and finds peace, and whatever he believes is the right thing for his life after he does that, I hope he achieves. 


It's all about him, not me. If you love the other person, you want them to be happy, period. 


Love's not about what someone else is going to do for you that you don't want to or don't believe you can do for yourself.


It doesn't matter what "He promised!"

                      It doesn't matter what "He said!" 


All the heartbreak did was point me toward all the ways I was failing myself.

Categories: Life Lessons, The Twin Flame Journey, Love.