The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.
 

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MY NEW LIFE, book 3

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 17, 2022 at 8:10 PM

This idea of twin flames being soul mirrors of one another definitely has something to it.


 

The weather finally cleared up enough today that I could do thirty laps in the pool, and while I’m swimming around I’m thinking about an online reading I listened to, about how twin flames can’t get together again unless both of them mature. So I’m swimming around reflecting on how Society Says that everyone else in the family has to feel okay with your relationship choices or else you are doing something wrong/You Are Bad because your choices are making THEM unhappy … even though they don’t even see or CARE how the choice to stay in a miserable relationship makes YOU unhappy. Even when the other person has some serious deficits in the way they are treating you and shows no desire or even understanding of the need to change.


No, no, no. Society says, “Your job in relationship is to make sure these other people are happy with the way it is, and you must do that or you are a bad person.” And you get that reflected back to you all the time, so that is what you think. While maturity might entail being able to take a step back from what you see reflected back to you courtesy of ignorant (but well-meaning) people all the time.


 

And then I think: Well, aren’t I doing the same thing?


Seriously. What am I thinking?


 

Well, I’m thinking that I can’t possibly ever be a good writer, especially in the areas of fiction and screenwriting, because all I have ever had reflected back to me are “Not Good Enough” messages. And I get all depressed and want to quit because, if that’s all anyone can say, then it must be the truth, right??


 

When I look at this guy’s situation and I KNOW it isn’t the truth, because I see what I see and I’ve read what I’ve read and I know what I know.


But look at it from his point of view. That’s all anyone ever says, and that’s all he ever sees reflected back to him, so it must be true, right??


 

When the whole point is: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SEE FOR YOURSELF THAT IT ISN’T TRUE, AND YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SEE WHY IT ISN’T TRUE. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GET THERE, YOURSELF.


 

So, for instance, he’s never going to hear, for example, his daughter, saying anything like, “I know you must feel lonely in your relationship with Mom. I know she isn’t ever going to get any of this, but you have legitimate reason to feel miserable and I don’t want this kind of relationship to be the only one you ever know in this life, and I’m sorry if it has to happen but I don’t want you to be unhappy forever.”


 

(I mean, I got there with my father, but he was already passed away, and there are enough children-of-cheaters still bleating away on Medium that I understand most children-of-cheaters never ever get there. It involves seeing your parent as a separate person, and most people never get there no matter how fucking old they are.)


 

If she could get her mind around that, it would be easy. So. Much. Easier. And fuck knows, personal fucking growth and finding a sense of personal fucking self-worth can’t possibly be made any fucking easier, not when your North Node says it’s a major life lesson you incarnated into and you are meant to fucking struggle with it.


 

So, of COURSE she’s never going to get her little mind around that. Even though she’s supremely talented and she’s … I’ll just leave the Lifetime Achievement Roundup out of this, thank you.


And what am I dealing with??? Lack of validation from the outside world. In which case it sure is easy to assume you aren’t ANY fucking good, because that is all the feedback you receive.


 

All I get is “Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.”


 

So what am I going to think??? “I’m not good enough.”


 

Seriously. I felt SO FUCKING HORRIBLE ABOUT THIS this past week, I was so depressed, I couldn’t do anything. I felt so unfuckingmotivated to do any fucking thing.


 

But, just as a certain person is supposed to find/read/ therapize/reason his way to seeing that seeing your own needs in a relationship and in what you want for your life and sticking up for that even if it disappoints people that what they thought your relationship was … ISN’T what it actually IS, doesn’t make you a bad person just because everybody’s saying so …


 

I’m probably supposed to be getting a clue that thinking what I come up with creatively is okay and has merit even though all I will ever get is “not good enough” messages from the world.


There are a million reasons people who write perfectly good stories will never find success as writers other than they aren’t any good. I can see that, but it’s just as hard for me to apply that to myself as it is for you-know-who to apply that other knowledge to himself.


 

We’re both struggling to think we’re good enough, in different areas, against an ocean of No’s from this world.


 

And, until we “get” it, we’re probably still going to get that very same ocean of No.


We’re both beseechingly dependent on external approval when we’re not supposed to be.


Oy.


It’s really awful to live that way.


Here I’ve been thinking for weeks and weeks, Okay, so I’m quitting writing. What precisely was I supposed to do now???


 

Thank goodness for this YourTango article I wrote. It’s been sitting in their queue for something like three weeks: https://www.yourtango.com/heartbreak/gottman-cause-of-affairs


When that happens, I sort of think, Well, it’s not that great, they certainly aren’t rushing to put THAT up. But look at what they did to it!


 

That wasn’t my original title. I didn’t think my title was that bad, but they came up with a great one. And they even hunted around and found a Gottman video to go with it! (The rest is me, minus some alteration of case for the headings.)


I challenge anyone with a mental health degree to write anything better than that one.


 

I really needed that this week. It really helped me feel better.


 

And, you know what? That has to stop.


If I keep thinking like this, I will never be able to do anything but sit on the couch in a stupor, ever again.


And who knows, if I just master the goddamned lesson, maybe this universe will fucking LET UP a little.


Because, let’s face it, I DO need worldly success. I DO need debt retired, and I DO need retirement money (or at least a retirement career, which my husband was trying for and didn’t live long enough).


I DO need to fix up this damn place. I DO need to remodel. I’m tired of living in a DUMP.


 

And I ain’t never going to do any of that working, that’s for damn sure.

 

Categories: The Twin Flame Journey, Life Lessons, Current Happenings