|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on May 24, 2022 at 2:00 PM|
So, at the very end of Cast Away starring Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt (and good grief, Mr. Big), Chuck Noland, the Tom Hanks character, newly lean from four years struggling to survive on a desert island, does this completely foolhardy thing, striking out to sea on a homemade raft, and is miraculously found and flown back to civilization.
The entire time he's longed for his fiance, Kelly. When he finally gets home, Kelly has given him up for dead. She's married to Mr. Big and has a child who looks to be maybe three years old.
Kelly tells him that deep down, she knew he was still alive, but too many people told her she had to give up hope. Now she's with someone else and she's going to stay, but she still loves Chuck and tells him he was the love of her life. She almost runs away with him, but then goes back to her husband and daughter.
This situation is even more implausible than that. It stands to reason that if a plane went down in the south Pacific, a person could actually survive four years, even if it's most improbable.
In this situation, I'm informed that a person who never follows their own instinct or their own heart, only the prevailing beliefs of other people, is wrestling with his instinct to reach out to me. What I'm given to understand is that he's either going to finally go with his instinct, and I'll hear from him, or he's going to get scared again and run off once more, and I won't.
If I never hear from him again, I'll never know if this was true or not. If I do, I'll know that it is and it always was.
All I know for sure is, if it IS true, then all this really was arranged so I could heal, and this person could heal, and part of his healing is to follow one's true heart and not what people around him say and say and say ... many times with limited caring or empathy, and no true understanding. If I hear from him, I will know that.
If I don't, I never will.
The other part of that is that when I believe this is true, I am happy. I know that if I do hear from him, an ancient plan will fulfill itself, and if I do not, I know why, and I am released from a soul contract that this person just wasn't able to fulfill his end of in this lifetime. When I believe it's nonsense, I believe all kinds of terrible things about myself, the world, and him, and I feel miserable and hopeless.
The happier you feel, the more energy you find to do what you have to do, regardless. And, if he never comes back, I do have a lot to do. I need to take care of myself, find some more energy to live on somehow, and find something to live for that's only about me. That's because it's easier for me to be single for the rest of my life than it would have been for someone the age of the Kelly Frears character.
I'm old, I'm fat, I'm tired. I'm nearer to the end of my life than the beginning. I had my happy marriage. The way I look, feel, and am, there's little chance of me finding anything else as good as that, and the way I look, feel, and am, I don't really need it anymore anyhow. Whether this guy comes back or not, I still have a job: Find all I need in me, not him.
If you don't get the guy, you have no other choice, and if you DO get the guy, and you refuse to do this work, what you get is an enmeshed codependent relationship that is an absolute DISASTER. So, I have the same job either way, and either way I have to find the happiness and the energy to do it.
I would never believe all this, and would chalk it all up to absolute malarkey, except that I can read astrology. And what's passing over the charts this weekend sums this up with poignancy if not absolute clarity.
I tried to calculate the odds, and with these transits, one cannot. Free will, again. I will say, they look mostly bleak for me, and mostly great for Rory. So, while it would be a wonderful miracle if this person were indeed wrestling, and did indeed find the nerve, I should remember that utter miracles are thin on the ground in my life and always have been, and I need to prepare myself for the strong likelihood that I never see or hear from this person ever, ever again.
It's just how I explain that to myself that helps or hinders my ability to go on with my life, so I'd like to go with the explanation that makes me feel as good as possible.
I just wish I didn't have to take that completely on faith.
Either way, this stretch of time is fateful. One way or the other, I'm going to be by myself a while longer. One way, about two years more; the other way, probably forever.
Not that I'm upset about that. I can't imagine any other person popping up who would be right for me, and I'm independent enough that I don't want to go out looking. The stories I hear about THAT process are something terrible, anyway. Most men want to see naked pictures first. It's all about what your stomach looks like, what your boobs look like, what your butt looks like, what your legs look like.
Well, at this age my body is hideously ugly, and I'm not interested in subjecting myself to that. Life is more than a sex sweepstakes, and someday everyone is going to be old enough that they will have to acknowledge this as truth.
I'm already there. So, when I ask myself, If I didn't wait, and then he showed up (as in this highly improbable film), how would I feel? Not a problem, as I'm at that stage in my life where it's time to be alone anyway.
It's just HOW I'm alone that makes the difference. I really don't want to do it the same way as the past seven years. Those were distinctly terrible, and I really don't need to repeat that.
It wouldn't help anybody anyway.
If I were the Tom Hanks character, stuck out on that island, I don't know that I would have made that raft and set out across the ocean on the ricketiest of pallets. That island was absolutely beautiful, and a lovely place to die. Just me and nature, and beauty.
Why go back to that rat race? Why go back to being OWNED by debt collectors, where your entire life is nothing but this endless, endless panting and struggling and GASPING for money ... which you then must turn over to someone else, who wouldn't let you have even your very LIFE without incurring all this debt to them, forever, for the rest of your life, and end up with nothing anyway? In this ugly, noisy, hateful, greedy country full of stupid, stupid people???
Why, when I'd have the healthiest diet, fresh air and water, exercise, time, and the most lovely sights in the universe. Just look at all those stars at night! And I love the beach.
I was all alone anyway.
It's HOW you're alone that matters. If I spend the rest of my days in self-doubt over the last seven-and-a-half years--the last twenty-three, really, because that's really when all this started--I will spend those days miserable. And I've already spent the last seven years miserable.
Misery teaches lessons--at least, it's supposed to--but I think I've learned enough. I really don't want to stay in misery, beating myself up with other people's aphorisms that really aren't so generally true. Ones like, I went after someone else's husband, so I am a terrible person, Astrology and tarot aren't really real, so I just made all this up to justify terrible sin, The spouse is ALWAYS who one should stay with, Family members should NEVER be upset, and Who did I think I was, anyway??
One has to be able to live. If he never comes back, I hope he reconciles himself to his life so that he can live happily. At nearly 64, how many good years do you have left, after all? My late husband had less than two.
And if he never comes back, I would do well to reconcile myself to mine, which I can do best by telling other people's aphorisms that really aren't so generally true, to shut up.
One way, I can find some optimism and energy to keep on living, and the other way ... not so much.
Antidepressants aren't going to help with any of that, and could very well tip me bipolar. No, thanks.
After all, who am I to tell someone else to follow his instincts and heart, if I am not willing to do the same?
All the same, the proof would have made me feel so much better. I didn't do this to hurt anyone, I really didn't. Although, at times, I did feel like giving someone north of here a mighty kick in the ass. And I'm not talking about him.
*I have a whole compilation of the relevant astrology of this important two weeks or so, but it's way too long to post here.