|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on May 22, 2022 at 10:15 PM|
After having this guy show up and read SO MANY BLOGS several weeks ago, and receiving so many card reading suggesting the person would show back up and want to talk, I went and looked at transits to our Davison for the weekend coming up ... because I know of something going on that weekend that would make it an opportune time.
I saw SO many good transits to our Davison that I went back and looked at significant transits to each chart active on that weekend.
I'm pretty sure after what I've found that I'm never going to see or hear from this person again, and he won't be back here on this blog, either. My ONE card reader who says this guy is gone for good is the correct one.
Every single significant transit to my chart at this time is talking about being left alone, a relationship breaking up, and having to restart my life on a completely different basis. (So, really, I don't know why our Davison looks so rosy. I guess because the relationship is over and all the personal growth that was supposed to be reaped from it has been gleaned? Maybe it's just crowing Mission Accomplished!! This relationship's job is ALL DONE!!)
Meanwhile, they have a number of hits, both positive and negative, on his DC/her MC, which is to say, their relationship. It's a time of significant growth for them. No idea how it will turn out, but it definitely does not involve me. I would say with this person's history, I've seen the last of him.
It wasn't what I wanted, but I don't get to make the decision here, and I never did. I did the right thing and stayed out of it.
I really don't know what to think of the guy's hanging around here on my every word for seven years. That's got to be some kind of record. Who has an emotional affair for four months, almost moves out, gets scared back into the fold because everybody else is angry ... and then faithfully reads their ex-affair partner's blog for SEVEN YEARS???
Someone very unhappy at home, that's who. I always assumed someone that unhappy would eventually leave, and that's why I hoped as long as I did, and was glad he was still here, but clearly that is never going to happen now.
In a way, the fact that he was here that long was good, because if I had stepped in on a marriage that had some potential for happiness and should have been saved, and they'd gotten back together in marriage counseling and were happy ever after and he hated me, it would have killed me. I did NOT want to be the kind of person who would do that.
I approached him because it sounded very suspiciously like this wife was never going to change, and as long as he stayed there it would be a sad and stagnant failure. Having him here that long made it nice to be proven right; but the bad part was that having him here that long gave me hope that he'd finally grow a pair, heal, and leave ... and that is never to be.
And I hung on and hoped way, way, way, way too long.
Oh, well. It would have happened anyway. I couldn't conceive of being with anybody else but him--still can't--and I would have hung on this long anyway. I've just been far, far too badly damaged in childhood and I probably won't ever be really emotionally healthy. At least with him hanging about here I knew he missed me, too.
But, it's time for this to end. He's never going to leave her. We're never going to see each other again. Knowing he's hanging around on my blog is not a relationship, and no relationship is no relationship. It's time to just acknowledge that and just wipe the entire past seven years clean from my life.
I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. It would have been one thing if writing had've worked out. If I could have been a real working writer, I would have been happy in my life.
But that's not going to happen, and neither is this. I guess the whole thing was an exercise in humility. If I'm going to write, it just has to be to entertain myself. I am not good enough to write anything anyone else would ever buy, and I am not going to be a working writer ever. Certainly not a self-supporting one.
It's painful enough to have to give up one life's dream, but two? Thank god I met and married my husband. At least fifteen years of my life worked out. At least I was happy for a while.
I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. All I know is, it can't have any more to do with him. I may write some about infidelity here and there, but now that my first publication got wiped off Medium and the book isn't selling, I don't think that's very viable, and anyway, the only way to move on is move on. And staying stuck in the past writing about it isn't moving on.
This is really difficult, throwing my whole life away at fifty-four. It really doesn't look as if anything but the day job can stay. Well, that and where I'm living. I'm fortunate to live somewhere affordable and I certainly won't be going anywhere until it's time for the nursing home or the grave.
But that just makes it all the more disconcerting. Here I am a fat old woman, and I look around and my surroundings are the same, but really everything is gone. WTF??
How am I supposed to live now? I really don't know. I guess it's time to find out.
One thing's for sure, the guy will probably always be in my mind and my heart. I would be much happier if I could forget him, but it's been seven years, and I'm pretty sure I never will.
I would say this is why you never, EVER have a relationship with anybody married ... but the fact is I adored the guy way back in the nineties. I was very happy with my husband, but I still had this thing for this guy. I guess from the moment I met him, it was never going to go away.
Am I ever going to be happy again?
If I am, it's going to be a goddamned miracle. If I could just forget him at will, I would. But, I can't.
You know, I always expected better from life than this ... which just goes to show you that the "law of attraction" is bullshit. If I had a penny for all the days I was so excited, thinking of all the ways life was going to go gangbusters for me one day ... I'd be rich.
It turns out that life really is quite painful.
All I can say is, if you discover a soul mate and realize the person's very unhealthy emotionally ... RUN.
I really don't know what else to do now. I guess I should just go back seven years and dust off the series of police procedurals I was working on with my husband before he died. They were the best ideas I ever came up with. Everyone hates the new one, so there's no point doing any more with that.
I look at how much sheer work and drudgery that's going to be and I can barely move. While my husband was alive the stories were fun. I had someone who was glad to help me and who could tell me everything I needed to know to write them for the hours someone with zero knowledge of police work would need and not get too expensive or annoyed. How in fuck's name am I going to find that now??
I'm not sure I even want to try. I'm really not sure I want to write anything. But it's all I know how to do. All I can come up with over a writing project is reasons it's not good enough, reasons no one will want it, and why the fuck even bother spending the time and energy? I'm a fifty-four-year old fat woman and success should have happened by forty-two at the latest. But, it didn't and it never will.
Why expend all that energy to write anything? Why bother?
Because I don't know how to do anything else. And everything else that mattered is gone.