The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.
 

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The Person I Had the Affair with Was Really My Mother

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on May 23, 2022 at 12:50 AM

Everyone experiencing a romantic relationship that isn’t going well: Quick! Pull out a sheet of paper and jot down all the ways your beloved and your most troublesome and hurtful parent are similar.


 

Something tells me the list will be long.


 

In my case: My entire childhood foundered under the weight of my mother’s unhappiness like a rowboat tethered to the anchor of an ocean liner.


 

Everything was someone else’s fault. My father didn’t spend any time with my mother. He was always gone at work. He didn’t let her drive, he didn’t let her have any money. Children should not hear complaints like this from their one stay-at-home parent, but we were mother’s confidantes and we got earfuls in a steady stream, day after day after day.


 

(In reality, both my father and my great aunt offered to teach my mother to drive. She always said no. I didn’t discover this until my great aunt was eighty-six years old and I assumed responsibility for her care. But I believed it, because I was witness to the same when my stepfather offered to teach my mother to drive the pickup when I was sixteen.)


 

Crestfallen, my mother would sometimes wonder what she could have been and done if only. But I was also there when she put herself down, sure she was too stupid to hold down a job, and also when she was lazy, saying things like, “I’ve had a terrible life! I was molested by my own father and then stuck in these crappy marriages, and I shouldn’t have to work!”


 

We children ate the pain as we witnessed the dysfunction.


 

With my mother, it was crippling self-doubt. With my affair partner, it was codependency.


 

Other people, other people, other people, other people.


 

Yes, it’s true that other people look down on a person for getting a divorce. And that the longer you’ve been married, the more they look down.


 

It’s bad enough to leave a wife with teenaged children. It’s even worse when she’s in her late sixties and you’ve been married forty years. Oh, oh, what people will say! Oh, oh, what people will think!


 

The same judgmental people aren’t privy to the inner workings of that marriage for the past forty years. Even if none of a person’s needs for companionship, emotional closeness, and sex have been met for decades, even if a person moved out for a bit, even if marriage counseling has been tried, all some people can see is that an old person has been left divorced and alone in his or her declining years.


 

It really doesn’t matter to them what the spouse goes through, as long as he or she stays married and goes through it. We don’t want to hear about how lonely they are.


 

From my ex-affair partner’s behavior over the past seven years, this surely must have been the case. Why else would a person faithfully log on to my blog to see if I had posted anything every few days for that long? Even on Christmas?


 

When a marriage gets better, the other woman becomes persona non grata and is avoided like the plague. Public Enemy Number One. You would never catch a happily married former adulterer poring over his ex-affair partner’s blog in this way.


 

I posted messages several times offering to talk if he wanted. I once thanked him for being there reading, because after yet another snub from my estranged brother, I realized I was so completely alone and without family I couldn’t even really put him on my “Contact in Case of Emergency” forms or even count on him if I died. It was nice, I wrote, to know someone still cared if I was alive or not, even if we never spoke again.


 

I never got any kind of answer. And really, it got ridiculous. If you’re going to choose to stay where you are, choose to be there fully. What’s the point of hanging over an ex-affair partner’s blog all the time when you’re choosing to stay in your marriage? He was never going to see or speak to me again, and one day he’d just disappear. I’d never know if he died or got Alzheimer’s, or what.


 

Finally, I posted something to that effect that I called, “Let’s Just Kiss and Say Goodbye.”


 

What I saw after that was unreal. I didn’t see the old client number on Google Analytics anymore, but a new one logged in and went from the thank you post to the goodbye post, back and forth, back and forth. I could see him trying to follow my thought process.


 

The night after that, the same client number logged in at ten at night and read over the thank you blog. Then, at one thirty in the morning, a person logged in under the new number and stayed up all night long, reading and rereading posts I had made. He didn’t log off until almost five a.m.


 

Who does that unless they’re still unhappy in their marriage and very upset? Where was that person while he scrolled on his phone all night? Something tells me, it was alone in the in-law suite. Still.


The next day, they logged back in and read a pile more.


 

I saw him one more time six days later; now he’s gone, I suspect for good. If he's going to stay, and never, ever speak, and just fall off the edge of the earth one day, it's for the best. Let's just kill this now instead of letting it go on and on and on.


 

This person is paralyzed in unhappiness, just like my mother. And I held on and hoped he would change … just like I did with my mother.


 

I hung on and hoped with my mother for thirty-eight years. At least this was only seven.


 

I’m gotten my give-up-and-cut-them-off time down to under a decade, finally.


 

Sick people are a terrible, terrible waste of time. They don’t have the gumption to get better; they don’t have the gumption to move on. My mother complained and complained her whole life; and that was essentially what my affair partner did, too.


 

All I am is a great big sucker for people in desperate, terrible pain who will never, ever do one damn thing to get better and change their lives. And I really need to find something else in life and stop it.


 

Some people are never, never ever, never going to get better.


 

The question is whether I, too, am one of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Post-Mortem, Now That It's All Over, Life Lessons, The Twin Flame Journey