The Thinking Other Woman

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Are We Really Advising People to Have Sex by the Third Date Now?

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on April 22, 2022 at 9:10 PM

 

Maybe I'm getting old.


No, maybe it's time for the nursing home already.


I have actually discovered online, a therapist recommending women have sex by the third date.


Now, to be honest: I am almost fifty-four. I've been widowed eight years and was married for seven. My dating life paralleled Carrie Bradshaw's, only with a HELL of a lot fewer partners.


In four words: It's been a while.


But, no, seriously. Here's the question:


What about the days when therapists wrung their hands and counseled delay and didn't believe it was advisable or healthy to just jump into bed with everyone you dated, very shortly after you started dating them?


I read book after book like this from dating experts back in the day. (I'm talking about the nineties.) 


Remember all the problems experts wrote at length about, that you have when you get all entangled in a sexual relationship and then you find out that …


He's a narcissist. She has serious BPD traits. Oops, turns out he's really married! You fell in love, and now it's not going to work, and you're brokenhearted. And it's so much worse because you were having sex already. And so on and so forth. 


And don't forget the time-honored: "Oops, I'm pregnant! And I've only known the guy two weeks!"


If you're casually dating and you "have" to put out by the third date … now you're having casual sex with two or three or four or five people.


Um … STD's, anyone?


What if I just want to go on a dating spree and meet a bunch of new people for a while? I'm sorry, but I don't think it's normal, healthy, or advisable to be having sex with two to five or more different partners all at once. Especially if you're doing that without letting them all know.


How can this be physically or emotionally advisable or healthy? I'm just here from an older generation going: How do these concerns just not apply anymore?


How am I supposed to feel comfortable taking into my very body, a person I've only met twice??? Especially if I say I'm looking for a stable, loving, forever, committed relationship?


And here's a therapist, actually advising women to sleep with strangers by the third date! 


For what reason, you might ask?? This therapist is actually going around writing that if a woman doesn't have sex by the third date, men should assume she's going to be a sexually cold and frigid wife once the kids come along!


Wow. 


Um, maybe a little acknowledgement that we're all different, here? I didn't even have sex until I was thirty-two, yet even when I had a hysterectomy and my hormones were all screwed up, I still managed to transmit to my husband that I cared very much that he still wanted to have sex. In the days when I had a yeast infection or BV every other week, I still made sure he got at least a hand job twice a week until I was able to have sex again.


We were still having sex right up until two months before he died of a brain tumor.


I think there are a lot of complicated issues that influence whether a woman stretches herself, ten-plus years into a marriage, to keep up with her husband's sex drive, and boiling them all down into whether she had sex by the third date or not is a bit simplistic.


I'm just … I mean, really, my head is spinning here. Because all I've ever read in my whole life is that sex-too-soon is a real not-smart thing to do.


I'll tell you what's a real not-smart thing to do: Judging what kind of a wife someone is going to make by whether or not she puts out after you've known her only about six hours! 


Yet, believe it or not, this is the advice I'm reading.


It seems as if a female therapist should know that there could be some other good reasons a woman, especially an older woman, might not feel comfortable having sex by the third date, besides, "She just doesn't like sex, so don't marry her because she's going to be a sexually cold and frigid wife!"


And I really think there's something wrong with a female therapist advising all women when they are "supposed" to put out, because of what a man might think of them. Let's just set the women's movement back fifty years, here!


For decades now, ever since the start of the sexual revolution, therapists have been advising women that they should feel comfortable with a person before consenting to have sex, and that someone who's pressuring them to have sex before then is a person they need to skip.


So now we have a therapist who's pressuring women to have sex before they feel comfortable, "because of what men might think if they don't," herself???


I'm sorry, but that's just awful. Horrible, terrible advice.


Fuck knows, I've had enough trouble in my dating days when I was being more cautious than this. How is this new requirement that we have sex immediately supposed to help?


I've read a lot of stuff by a lot of therapists in my time, and I've seen a few I thought weren't too smart. Most of the time I think this particular one is brilliant, but, um … not this time.


For myself, and with respect, if I ever do date again, it's going to be me deciding when to have sex when I feel comfortable doing so, and not a moment sooner.


And if some dude dumps me because he's read a column by this therapist stating that because I wouldn't have sex by the third date, I'm going to make a cold and frigid wife … it's his loss.


And, brilliant though I generally consider this particular therapist … this particular piece of advice? Is getting a big That Sucks from me. 


Along with a big fat You must be kidding me.


What about you dating out there? Should everyone be jumping out of their clothes and takin' care of business by the third time they even meet each other?


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