|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on April 11, 2022 at 12:20 AM|
It Really, Really Does.
Recently I've finally done well enough to get a lot of old junk out of here that didn't work anymore, including an old secondhand entertainment center whose top sagged in the middle and an ancient, heavy old tube TV. Now there's a pretty, new, modern table in here, and, at last, I've joined the twenty-first century and gotten a flat screen TV that actually goes on the internet.
When you haven't been someplace in a long, long time, or seen a movie in a long, long time, and then you go there again or you see it again, your mind goes back to the last time you saw the movie or the place, and it's as if the intervening years sort of get compressed into nothing.
Which, if you've changed a lot in the intervening years, can be strange and sad. I used to go home to the beach and remember so well the little girl who had such a hard time in that first house we lived in. It was like being me and her at the same time.
When I first moved to the city where I live, I had such hope that things would turn around. I was just getting the hang of driving in the largest metropolitan area I had ever lived in, and since I didn't have anyone else to go with, I took myself out to movies and the mall and bookstores by myself. I'd sit in the Barnes and Noble cafe by myself, learning to love cafe mochas and scribbling stories in a notebook and dreaming of making it as a writer. The two Julias, Roberts and Ormond, were my favorite actresses. I saw First Knight and Sabrina literally dozens of times each. I was twenty-seven. I so resonated with the themes in Sabrina, about taking long walks in beautiful places and scribbling nonsense in a journal and finding yourself and becoming who you really are.
I expected so much from life. Now I'm so old I take walks and it hurts. I don't know if I'll ever walk more than two miles at a stretch again, much less jog anymore.
Now I sit here and shake my head over how silly and naive I was, and how crappy everything turned out.
Well, it could have been worse. I had hopes but I also had fears. With how many times I got fired in those days, I really was terrified of burning through every place around here, being unhirable, and ending up homeless because I was still stuck with thousands and thousands of dollars of student loans and there was No. Way. I was EVER going home again. Not even if I ended up under a bridge.
Well, I didn't end up under a bridge. I have my own place, which I could pay off in a year if I can just pay off the new furniture and the last round of the-car-broke-down-and-the-toilet-was-leaking. But, I finally have light fixtures in here working that haven't worked literally in YEARS, because I was afraid of what it would cost to have an electrician in. And it turns out I could have afforded to have them fixed years ago. I can actually SEE in the kitchen again, when I've been fumbling in the dark for so many years I can't even remember.
I may end up homeless in old age and I'll never be able to afford to remodel, but I'm okay for now. On the other hand, this is pretty much it. My life is pretty much over. This is all. Nothing from here on out but working, trying to retire debt, older age, decline, health problems, and death.
When I was in love with almost-thirty Julia Ormond in Sabrina, I really believed life turned out like that. Too bad.
The thing is, sometimes those things really are within reach. You just have to fight for them.
Only, in this case, the fight was someone else's. And he wouldn't.
So, what's next? Well, there's work tomorrow. I'm about done with the book I'm writing that's come out of this website. All I need to do is finish proofreading and struggle with a cover. I've learned not to expect much. Some nine million books get published and self-published every year and all but one or two die a quick death. So, I'll finish the job and then it's just, work.
I'll post here when the thing is up on Amazon. And that will be that.