The Thinking Other Woman

"I knew I would have made him happier!" or, The Time-Honored Competitive Mantra of The Snarky Other Woman.

Oy. So much to say about this. Suffice it to say: It isn't true.

Last night I snuck back onto Medium to view another entry in the continuing saga of a woman who, after years of terrible unhappiness and furtive affairs, at LAST worked up the courage to leave the husband she shared a horrible marriage with. Their divorce was final this summer.

I have to admire the courage this woman has shown in finally admitting the truth, ending the sneaking around, and doing the right thing. There's been the expected drama with feeling guilty over the kids, struggling with the finances, and the doing-over of the new house, which is never going to match the 4000 sq ft old house with the pool.

Unfortunately, there's also this scenario: For months now she's been seeing two guys. One guy isn't serious about her, they just go have fun dates and disappointing sex, but the other guy (the guy she didn't tell about the first one) ... 

This guy's fallen madly in love. He and his wife were splitting up anyway, and he's made it clear he's verrrry serious about this woman.

It's just as clear this woman was never going to be serious about him. If I were going to write about what brilliant sparkle of the personality made me simply adore my late husband, as well as Chi, I would have trouble. You can describe what they do all you want, but it's impossible to capture in words (perhaps it wouldn't be for a more talented writer, but it is for me!) how all that adds up to the adorable-ness factor that makes you know you just wouldn't miss being with them FOR. THE. WORLD. Sex and the City called it the zsa-zsa-zu.

It was pretty clear there was no zsa-zsa-zu with this woman. She's spent the last six months picking the guy, and the relationship, apart. Basically, he's the best sex of her life, and she's just using him. In the comments, I have continued to point this out, telling her that what she's doing isn't kosher and is just going to hurt him.

So, now she's decided that it's time to break it off, and she's looking for a way to do it. By finding some way to pin the breakup on HIM. She's angling to use the fact that he hasn't yet filed for divorce yet, although he said he'd do it within a month. When that is BOGUS. If it wasn't that, it would be that he doesn't make enough money (something she's known all along, of course). If it wasn't that, it would be that he's got diabetes. If it wasn't THAT, it would be ... (fill in the blank).

Which I have pointed out, with the observation that the problem is that she doesn't want to be the bad guy and is looking for a reason to pin the breakup on HIM. I wrote that that won't work, because if he thinks the problem is something he can fix, he's going to try to fix it, and she'll have to come up with another problem and another. Why string someone along whom you are slowly picking to death?

She doesn't like what he comes up with for dates, claiming he wants her to feel special and then taking her to do something she doesn't like. To which I have written, Honey, how is he ever supposed to know what you like and don't like unless and until you speak up, clearly, consistently, using exact English? Seething and seething does not help a person get to know who you are and what you like.

In the latest episode she has stated flat out she doesn't think she can just dump him because he's just not the one for her. She needs an "excuse," (preferably one that makes it his fault.) She doesn't think she's "allowed" to dump someone just because there isn't enough chemistry, and too much about him doesn't make him the one.

To which I made a very stern reply that:

1.) YES, WE ARE ALLOWED. We are ALL allowed. Yes, we are ALL FUCKING ALLOWED to choose who we want to be with and who our hearts are happiest with!!!

If not, everyone on the PLANET would be stuck in bondage to someone we really didn't want to be with because of this or that other thing they didn't do that would constitute "a good excuse" for leaving them!! There would be no happy relationships anywhere, and every kid would be born to a couple who felt like they were just stuck with each other.

Don't we think our KIDS should be allowed to leave someone who just doesn't do it for them and date someone who does??? Then why do we think we "need an excuse?"

2.) She doesn't want to be the bad guy and have someone angry at her, blaming her, or leave someone with hurt feelings. She wants him blaming himself, not her. Which isn't the TRUTH. And,

3.) This comes as a revelation to your average codependent (because all of this behavior and thinking is codependent as shit): Even when it doesn't make them at all happy, PEOPLE NEED THE TRUTH.

How the fuck else are people going to make good decisions when they are not in possession of all the truth that affects their lives?? When we in relationship with them, having sex with them ... using them for sex, or whatnot ... are in possession of crucial information WE WILL NOT REVEAL???

If this guy knew what she really liked, AND that she was unhappy he was not taking that into account on what he called a "special Valentine's day," for example, he would have the information he needed to decide whether or not to alter his behavior. How can he do that if she never reveals how she feels?? She does not owe it to him to sit there and seethe, she OWES HIM THE TRUTH. Then he can live in reality about what is and know what he needs to know in order to decide how he wants to act. If he STILL refuses to alter his behavior, then she has the TRUTH she needs in order to make the best decision for herself, too.

If this guy knew the TRUTH--that she does not love him the way he loves her and never will--he could give up, withdraw, lick his wounds, and find someone who will. Because she BELIEVES HER TRUTH IS NOT VALID, she will not do this. She will find some excuse like how much money he makes ... and he will change jobs and it still won't be good enough ... and she will find another excuse like he has diabetes ... which the guy can't change ... and on and on.

YOO-HOO!!!! 

To live like this is hideously, hideously, hideously, HIDEOUSLY


CO-DE-FUCKING-PENDENT!!!!


And it is a bad fucking idea, because if we all do it, it pretty much ensures that nobody will be happy, anywhere, EVER. 


Not only that, but if I were ever actually with this guy, and he treated me this way?? It would break my heart.

Because I want to know the real him. I want to love the real him. And I want him to trust me.

Ohhh, woe, but this guy feels like he isn't good enough. This guy feels like there is something wrong with him. This guy feels like he shouldn't tell the truth, because not upsetting other people is more important than everyone having the inconvenient but nonetheless necessary privilege of KNOWING WHAT THE TRUTH IS ABOUT THEIR LIVES.

Just like this woman: TWO ABUSIVE CHILDHOODS. TWO CODEPENDENTS AFRAID TO TELL THE TRUTH.


And this is why I know he would never be happier with me.

A guy like this is only going to be "happy" at the top of a mountain, with NO other people. Because then he never has to grovel for other people's approval in order to feel as if he is worthy.

And you can't solve problems this way. You can't know another person this way. All you can do is, as Lisa A. Romano says, turn yourself down, turn yourself down, turn yourself down like a radio until NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU (even when they are begging to do just that), and then be unhappy BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS YOU. Oh, and because your needs are never met.

The thing is, I can read this guy's CHART, but I cannot read his MIND. Looking at his transits, for example, for the years 2025-2028, I can see that he's overgiven in a relationship again, not spoken his mind, made agreements he isn't happy with, BUT I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT THEY ARE. Transits and natal charts aren't that specific.

So, I get the warning but I don't get the facts. Only HE would have the facts. And if he's not allowing himself to be AWARE of the facts, because he's doing some codependent version of Wayne's World ("I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! Gotta make sure SHE'S HAPPY at all costs!"), well ... that's just ensured NOBODY will be happy.

Because one main reason I'm there is, TO BE WITH HIM. As in, I wanna know what the guy is thinking and who the guy really is. Even when it's hard. Even when we're scared. Even when the truth might be, "You looked a whole lot better 40 lbs ago." Even when the truth might be, "I wish we had bought that house, I really hate it living here." Even when the truth might be, "Our sex life isn't doing it for me." Even when the truth might be, "Sometimes I'm really sorry I left Rory, because I'm sad about my family."

That's what a real relationship is, and that is how healthy couples negotiate life.

But THIS GUY will never, ever

                                       NEVER, EVER

                                                                   NEVER, EVER

do that.


So, he'd be unhappy, and then, when it all came out ten years later due to another affair or his depression or whatever, there I'd be ... bawling my eyes out. Because I thought he trusted me.

And I begged so hard to get the truth out of him, and I believed our life was real.

This, folks, is why you don't commit to an unrecovered codependent, and why I could never make him any happier than she does.

Because, for me to do that, I would need some goddamned help from him.

And codependents have grown up being taught that to provide that help, is WRONG.

Which is why, if you want any relationship in your LIFE to go well ... brother ... in-laws ... adult children ... girlfriend ... wife ... anybody at all, you need to get your ass well from codependency and low self-worth!!!

And, last I heard, this guy found that effort "too depressing."

And that's how I know I could never make him happier than she can. No matter how much I know or how hard I try.