|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 23, 2021 at 12:10 AM|
Old messages are still below. Since I saw you were back here after I had given up all hope on you, I elected to add the following, written by Lisa A. Romano (The name might sound familiar. I've mentioned her below.):
Namaste Dear One!
Codependency is tied to the immobilizing emotion shame. It is important to remember that shame is the result of being made to feel shame. Shame is tied to the external environment. Something has occurred in our outer world that has caused us to feel internal shame. We have either NOT met someone else’s expectations or perhaps we have NOT felt worthy of someone else’s love, attention, forgiveness, or validation. If we have been rejected by someone we love, the rejection of this other who lives in the external world, will bring us shame like a neighbor walking down our path with a cup of sugar in their cupped palms. We will consume this shame like candy and it will be pumped across every cell membrane of our body.
Shame is an emotion that is caused by some experience in the outer environment. Children are NOT born with shame. Shame is the result of an external experience. One of the most problematic consequences of this debilitating emotion is that shame is so easily manifested. Easier than love, shame is the one emotion that no one has to work to achieve and receive. Our hearts, minds, and bodies accept shame like our lungs accept oxygen.
All human beings are born to bond with those IN the external world and especially to those who have raised them. When these essential connections are fractured or never had, the inner being of a child naturally and innocently internalizes this lack of bonding and assumes detrimental responsibility for the loss. Like a dis-ease of mind, body, and soul, shame interrupts the ability for an innocent child to integrate the multidimensional, divine creation they are. They do not express their emotions because the emotional needs of those around them overshadowed their needs. They do not respect or value what they feel, desire, or want. If a child has been born to attune themselves to the needs of a parent instead of a parent attuning themselves to the child, in order to stay in toe, a child will be forced to pick a side.
Unlike adult relationships we often must prove ourselves worthy of, a child enters this world one with their parents and especially mother. There is nothing the mother of a child must do in order to prove herself worthy of a child’s love. Children enter our lives loving us, wanting us, needing us, feeling us, and more than air itself, need us to love them back. When a small child begins to feel rejected or abandoned by the people they love, through a limited and pigeon holed level of awareness, they will presume the inability to connect is somehow their fault. This blame fans the flames of shame and soon, the heart of the child begins to become pierced with singed holes.
If you come from a less than perfect home and you now feel immersed with shame, you are not alone and this is not your fault.
The good news is, you are NORMAL and shame can be healed!
Posted 10/8/21, short note: Why won't you at least read it all? I'm not mad at you. Just read it. Oy.
Dear Sweetheart (Name withheld. You know who you are!),
Google Analytics informs me someone keeps visiting this post and the other one I made to you when I noticed you were visiting here and reading my blogs. The locations, however, are wildly improbable. Maplewood, NJ, I can see. Birmingham, Alabama and Paris, France, I rather doubt.
Either people in these locations are interested in my messages specifically to you for reasons I cannot fathom (and finding these posts by some method of occult divination, since they do not perform a search to find them), or ...
... this is you. Hiding behind a VPN.
(Yes, computer-stoopid though I am, I figured out what these are.)
If this is you, you need to understand that I am on the point of giving up on you. No relationship is no relationship. I post to you and you won't even speak to me. You just scat like light. Patience has ceased to be a virtue.
I have absolutely no idea what is going on in your home and I don't want to intrude where I may not be welcome or could do damage. Therefore, you also need to understand that I cannot and will not contact you without your permission, even though I have your email and your phone number, and obviously, I know where your facebook is. I don't have that permission, so other than a public post like this, you will not hear from me.
And it's getting really hard to justify posting to you, or about you, any more.
I wished that something could have worked out here. I really did. I knew this person was going to behave exactly as she did, and you sounded very unhappy when we last spoke four years ago.
But four years is a long time, and you never came back. What do you expect me to do but finally give up on you, move on, and just write you off forever? I didn't want to do this. I really, really didn't. My therapist has refrained from rolling her eyes at me hanging on and not giving up on you, but, her patience is soon to be rewarded.
Turns out that the immortal Rhett Butler was right. Even the most deathless love can wear out.
When you let things go for years and years, eventually they're gone. That ring on your left hand? That's the relationship you're in. I've had to accept that.
I am not angry at you. I'm not angry at anything that's happened. I really needed some deep personal growth I didn't even know I needed, and that's what's transpired over these last six years. Do you know, we first started talking almost six years ago? I was so happy then. I really was. I think you were, too.
I always knew you as the most brilliant mind, and the kindest and sweetest person. I wish you weren't so codependent. I wish you didn't beat up on yourself.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. There never was. All of that is that worn-out tape of parental neglect playing over and over and over: "I'm no good, I'm no good. Everything is my fault. No one will ever love me. I mess everything up. I'm unlovable, I'm repulsive ..."
FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP IT.
STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!!
I just wish you could see yourself the way you really are. I loved you, and you ran away.
I understand why. Family is important. I don't have a family. I had to cut mine off. The difference between us is you were willing to keep acting a role in order to keep yours, and I wasn't.
I guess the awfulness was just a matter of degree. But one thing I learned from acting and acting and pretending and pretending to be what my family wanted from me over so many years was this:
If you have to act a part in order for them to love you, do they, in fact, really love YOU? Because, if they did, wouldn't they care about your feelings?
Mine didn't, and that was very apparent, so I left. I know your situation is different. Children live forever in the home they grew up in and they don't want to leave it, especially if they were happy there. It's hard for them to make an adjustment like that. And grandchildren are precious. Especially a new grandson. Congratulations, by the way.
Always know that I will always love you. But, no means no, running away is running away, and eventually we have no choice but to take no for an answer.
If you log on here and I know you've seen this and you run away again, I have no choice but to accept a final no as your answer. I can do that, and I'm ready to just write you off and move on. I've had enough of waiting and hoping for something that will never happen.
You're always welcome to speak to me. You're welcome to come back to the place where we met, as well. I'm not there much now. I've come to understand that I simply can't do what the others are doing, and there's no point wasting my time anymore. From time to time I drop in to say hi, but more and more that's just a sad place for me, and one I've had to leave behind.
I still see us there: the naive kid I was, thinking I could make a career out of fan fiction, and this incredibly smart, nice guy who wrote nonfiction and wanted to write a novel. I see all of us, hanging out at Starbucks drinking coffee and talking til 11 o'clock at night. I had never had real friends before that. Those were some of the happiest times of my life.
And my husband. I remember him.
A lot sure has changed after over twenty-two years. But the love and the memories will remain.
I expect I won't hear from you or see you lurking here ever again, since all you ever do when I post you anything is run. So, I expect that this is good bye.
Please take care of yourself. Know that I am grateful for all I've learned from knowing you. I will always care about you and wish the very best for you. Sweetie, all I want for you is that you can know who you are without your feelings constantly all mixed up with everyone else's because you believe that you are no good unless you are making everyone else happy. All I want for you is the experience of decent self-worth before you die.
Any decision you make on that basis is one I am okay with.
Since you’re here:
You should be aware that I’ve constructed an internal working model of Rory based on three sources: What you’ve told me about her behavior; psychology sources that information led me to on alexithymia, emotional numbness, attachment theory, and childhood emotional neglect; and (no surprise) her natal chart.
If I know the resources you need, but don’t share them because I’m being manipulative and I know withholding the information could ultimately benefit me … well, that’s not ethical.
I can’t make you pick these up. I can’t make you use them. But, I can’t withhold them, either.
SO, here they are:
Codependency recovery (YOU need these, and you ain’t NEVER comin’ back into MY life without them):
Lisa A. Romano, codependency life coach, and therapist Jerry Wise, Jerry Wise Relationship Systems. Lots of free videos on Youtube. Fucking use them before you DIE. It’s important. You don’t want to reach 81 without having made good use of materials like this. YOUR CHART IS WARNING YOU. Therefore, so am I.
If you prefer to read: Running on Empty, Jonice Webb, and many many ACoA materials. I would especially look up The Everything Guide to Codependency by Jennifer Sowle and The Struggle for Intimacy, Janet Woititz.
This will tell you succinctly what you need to know about Rory: Jonice Webb, Running on Empty No More. It will also more than likely save your marriage. Too bad for me, oh, well.
For further reading: Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody. The Power of Attachment: How To Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships, Diane Poole Heller.
PLEASE use these fucking materials before you’re too old and senile. It will be too late then, and you will be very, VERY sorry.
Your natal chart is telling you this in NO uncertain terms. Please listen. I don’t want to see you living through the transits you will live through if you don’t do this work NOW.
I love you. Good luck. Take care.