|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 11, 2020 at 11:40 PM|
This is going to be challenging, going on alone. I remember this person every single hour. I can't erase him from my thoughts. A healthier person would have found someone else awayyyy back yonder and been married three or four years now, but not me. I liked this guy from the night I met him.
Twenty-two years is a long time. A shame it will amount to absolutely nothing, when it could have been so much more.
But I recognize here one awful thing I am doing to this person just by being the way I am. I am dependent on him for my happiness. And one thing one should never, ever do to a sick codependent is make him responsible for your happiness.
They can't even be responsible for their own happiness! How the fuck are they supposed to be responsible for yours??
Of course, the longer you're with someone, having them around does become part of your happiness. That's why widows and widowers suffer so much. But this was different. We were acquaintance/friends a long time, but we were only "together" four months. Four months!
THIS is the very reason he couldn't leave his marriage! He felt responsible for everyone else's happiness. His wife's, of course. His adult children's. Everybody who was looking at him funny because he moved out. His cousin, his brother. He even felt responsible for the happiness of his wife's brother and sister! Which was ridiculous, as far as I could tell. As well as I could gather, they don't even live in the state. And he never really even sounded as if he liked them!
So here I come, p-p-poor, b-b-baby-baby me, and declare I'll never be happy again without him! (Well, I never actually said that, but c'mon. Codependents are practically mind-readers. It's part of their equipment to survive childhood.)
Sheesh. I would have run away, too.
He'll never see this, because from the time I posted that address to the person from his neighborhood who kept visiting here, he's never come back. So, I'll just send this out into the ether:
Chi, I'm really sorry I put so much on you. You don't have the power to actually make anyone else happy. I know that the sum total of a codependent childhood is that we grow up feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions and not for our own, so I should never, ever have done that to you. I am an independent person and completely responsible for myself. You are not responsible for my happiness, EVER. You are responsible for your own.
(And I hope you get crackin', because you are about to turn 62. It's kind of hard to do this in the nursing home while you wee-wee in your Depends.)
What an awful thing. I should have known better. I mean, I do know better, but I never quite looked at it like this. Here's poor Chi, feeling awful for upsetting his adult daughter and all the rest of the family, and now he has to feel guilty about me, too?? Nope. Not me. From now on, I'm responsible for myself. Nobody else is.
Of course, this is a tall order for me, because I have so little left to create any happiness out of. I have no close loved ones at all. I have no family. I have a couple of friends, but I'm not that close to one of them, and I don't feel like I can whine all the time to the other one. (Although ... this person owes me a few.)
I used to love writing, but that was before I threw away all the childish ideas I had about it. It was going to make me successful, it was going to allow me to quit my job, it was going to win me people who would love me, it was going to prove I was competent and not a loser. Nope, nope, nope, and nope.
I only have one (1) story idea now, and it was one my writer's group didn't think was particularly good. So, oh, well. Not much point even getting excited about it. But, this one stupid little thing is all I have left.
I recognize that I'm going to have to do something else with my time than think about someone who's never coming back. I will never see this person again. And that stupid little story is all I have to do.
I wasn't going to post it up on Wattpad until I finished my first rewrite, but I see I am going to have to start posting it. Otherwise, I'll never finish it. I'll just sit alone and mope and cry and pine and never, ever stop, if I don't have a posting schedule to stick to. Between that and finishing posting my old fan fic I quit posting, like, a year ago, some eighty chapters will take me over a year if I post a chapter a week.
And I'm going to need it. After all the horrible, horrible years I've had in my life, my chart is assuring me 2021 will be the WORST year ever. Originally it was going to be because Chi dumped me, but now even that isn't going to happen. It's just going to be me, sitting here waiting out the pandemic all alone.
I am determined not to have that horrible a year, and this is the only way I can figure out how to do it.
Of course, I could still ruin it, if no one reads my postings and I get as depressed over that as I did over nobody reading me on Medium. I'm going to have to learn how not to do that anymore. The only way I can figure out how to do that is to treat it as an exercise in self-acceptance. If the story bombs on Wattpad (which it probably will), then there's simply no hope for it, and I don't have any ideas for any more, so that will be it for me as a writer. I'll just have to finish posting it and find something else to do with the rest of my life.
I should note that this is not forecasted to happen. I'm supposed to write something that takes off in the years 2022-2025. And this is the only original thing I've got, so it must be this one.
But then again, I was supposed to touch base with Chi again before the end of this year, and we see how that's going. It would be so much easier to believe in the former if I could see that this actually came true. It sucks so much that every other time he was forecasted to show up, he actually spoke, or I could catch him sniffing around.
So, of course, this time I won't see him. This time was crucial for a reason, and if he doesn't make this meet, it's highly likely we'll just never see each other ever again in this life.
Since I can't count on anything I want to ever work out, all I can do is practice self-acceptance instead of depression or self-condemnation when things I wish for don't happen. Chi isn't coming around because I'm a bad person. I think I've proven that here. (It's a rare mistress who sends the guy back to a neglectful/semi-abusive wife three times. And I'm learning my lessons. Not in time to apologize to him for all of them, but I am.)
The last time we spoke, the last thing both of us said was, "I love you." And, I have to say, that's not a bad way to leave someone behind forever. A lot of people whose loved ones died wish they could have been as lucky.
So, WHEN (not if, but WHEN) my story bombs on Wattpad, I will just take that in stride. Just because other people don't think I'm good enough doesn't mean I have to think that. Just because other people reject me doesn't mean I have to reject myself. I've never done that before, so this is my chance to accomplish that before I die.
To that end, I dragged myself through the grocery store today, and while there I bought a lovely bunch of fall flowers. I came home and cleaned all the floors so it won't look so trashy in here. First throwing my back out and then being very depressed all summer, I have let the housework go to the point it was sort of like sitting in a dump.
It looks very nice in here now. So, while I'm sitting here by myself, working myself to death on something nobody's going to notice, I can enjoy a clean house and a lovely vase of flowers.
This place doesn't look half bad when it's clean, really. I have all these battery-operated lights everywhere and a tiny little fountain, so it's pretty cool. All I have to do is wait for Christmas lights to come out and I can replace the strand on the ceiling that burnt out. The little neighbor boy upstairs always says it looks like paradise down here. WHEN I clean.
I may not be able to stop myself from thinking about Chi and feeling sad (well, I guess that's guaranteed, since the story was inspired by all this), but at least I will have something to do. I wish I could come up with something better, but I can't, and I have to get the stupid story done just in case the astrology is right on this one, so here goes.
If anyone does read this, feel free to hit the contact page and write me. It gets lonely here during the ol' pandemic.
Categories: Life Lessons