|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 22, 2020 at 12:10 AM|
If you check out the Yods tab, you will see that I've done quite a lot of work on what my Saturn squares mean and why they are at the tip of my yod, stubbornly obstructing progress in a writing career.
But here's something I never figured out, that I only did just now because I was studying the Mars conjunct to the tip of our double interlocking yods.
I purchased this Counseling for Astrologers book, by a professional astrologer who's also a licensed therapist, natch. In it, she recommends, when trying to figure out what a transit to some formation in the chart means, going backwards in time to look at times in the life when the yod was being triggered in the past, only the querent didn't know anything about it. What was going on in the life?
With where my yod is, nothing much important hits it until this Uranus transit that I write about extensively on the Yods tab. I mean, every year fast-moving planets FLY by and hit Saturn--the Sun, Moon, Venus, etc., but these as I've just said FLY through. They're only there a day or so, and they really don't do much. Nothing much happened with my yod until the Uranus transits, as I've said.
The last time anything really hit the yod, Mars was sitting opposite Saturn, in the "boomerang" position, around September 2008. What was happening in my life at that time?
I had two elderly relatives, a great aunt and her adopted special needs daughter, who have been a problem in the family for a very long time. Both of them are mentally ill, the daughter has always been handicapped, and as the mother got older, she became unable to care for the daughter. Being mentally ill, they found acceptance of the fact that they were going to have to leave their family home, a farm in the country, because their physical limitations had become too great, even more difficult than most elderly people would find it. The daugher would act out by threatening her mother with a butcher knife, pushing her and breaking her arm, etc.
I knew nothing of this, because as kids we were protected from this knowledge, and then I went off to college. In college, I heard that my aunt had had a total bipolar breakdown, been in a mental institution, and that family had swooped in from the south, sold the farm, and carted them off to parts unknown. We missed Aunt Jean, but nobody was in contact with these members of the family and nobody knew exactly what had happened or where these people had gone.
At this time in my life, I got a phone call. My aunt had gotten somebody to move them and they were back, renting a little farm house in the country again. Unbeknownst to me, their shenanigans had caused a lot of trouble for family caring for them in South Carolina where they had gone, and now they were running into trouble because my cousin would fall down and not be able to get up, the rescue squad had to be called, my aunt was not taking her bipolar medication, etc.
What ensued was that they conned me into signing their power of attorney ("so I could see to their funeral arrangements"), and once my name was on the dotted line, I got hit with all this stuff. Here I was, finally with my first idea for an original novel I was excited about, and I pretty much had to give it up because these people required care. Unfortunately, they didn't want to move into assisted living, which they most surely needed, and these years to come were studden with arguments and fights and a lot of tears by me, as my husband kept writing but I had family caregiving.
And then, of course, my husband was stricken with brain cancer and in November of 2013, I was widowed.
Now, what did these people have to do with my yod? Because I had thought the yod was about writing and about Chi. No ... here were my aunt and cousin.
I now realize that the yod is about me letting codependent enmeshed relationships take over my life and obstruct my life purpose--what I really wanted to do, writing.
If you look at my chart, there is a square from Neptune to the ascendant (or "rising sign"). I had paid so much attention to the yod that I had never looked that up. When I did, what did I find? That aspect talks about your parents putting you on the wrong path in life, so that your career is about what they wanted and not what would make YOU happy.
And that's true. I didn't have any self as a child. I was tap dancing and struggling, trying to keep Mom happy because she was so volatile, trying to make sure my family was PROUD of me, because as a child that was all I experienced of love. I got approval when I did what made the family look good and Mom and Dad feel validated because I was Just Like Them; I didn't learn what I liked or what I wanted or what would make me happy at all.
By the time I realized in college that I was on a path that wouldn't make me happy, I was stuck. I had already borrowed money for school and I had no idea how to change direction. When I asked myself what I liked and what I wanted, there was no answer. But I was going to graduate, and I needed to be able to support myself and pay off the loans, because going home again to lean on family and figure things out was NOT going to happen. In fact, I've had to cut my mother and most family members out of my life, and I find myself pretty much alone in the world now. I needed a career that would make money, because I had NO one else to turn to.
As time went on, I began to figure out what I really wanted to do: Writing. But I had no confidence. For the longest time I wrote and tried to find a way to publish fan fiction, because I had no confidence in my ability to come up with and write an original story. Well, of course, that didn't work. The era in which Ann Crispin broke into publishing with Star Trek fan fiction and became a bestselling author was long gone. Media publishing didn't want us anymore ... they wanted published professionals only.
At last I met and married my husband, and talking with him gave me the idea for my first original novel. And as soon as I was all excited and starting on that, what happened?
My yod got triggered, and the aunt and cousin came into my life and derailed me. And my husband got sick, and blahblahblahblahblah.
Basically, I was getting all enmeshed with other people's problems and getting sidetracked into caregiving.
Now, in the aunt's and cousin's case, I can maybe be forgiven. I didn't know what I was getting into. And, these people really were infirm and they really did need caregiving! Unfortunately, once I got roped in, I found myself very, very sorry, and there was no escape.
And in my husband's case, he really was ill, too, and he really did need caregiving. And I didn't feel it as a burden or a chore. My husband was the one person who really loved me the way I really am. He loved me the way a family is supposed to, and he supported me and helped me find my way. As you can see if you click the link, I would never--could never--have written that story without him.
But: Why did I sidetrack myself in these relationships to begin with?
Because I was still a sad, lonely child looking for a real family. I had never had one. I never got any of the bonding with parents and school friends that other kids get growing up. I was still looking for evidence that something wasn't really wrong with me, since all while growing up I saw that other kids made friends and had loving family and I didn't. I saw that there was incest in my family and my mother was really mentally ill and there was nothing but chaos in our home that nobody else saw. I grew up believing that something was just wrong with me, and I was too fat and no one would ever really love me.
So when I was married and we had a good relationship, I was ecstatic not only because of that, but because of what it meant. FINALLY, I had a stable relationship like other people. Actually, better than most other people's. I had friends! I WAS NORMAL!!!
And let me tell you, I had worked hard for it. The self-help books lining my shelves attest to that fact.
When the aunt and cousin came along, why did I accept? Because they were FAMILY. And I didn't know how crazy they were. I had a happy marriage; now maybe I could have some of my family back, too!
We had one dinner, ONE dinner we cooked for them over here like old times, and except for that, mostly it went to hell.
Basically, I was so hungry for love, bonding, connection, and relationship that any time a relationship that looked like it might work out appeared on my radar, I sacrificed my dream. Most of the time, just like with college, I really didn't know what I was walking into or what it would mean.
Even my relationship with my husband, you could consider enmeshed. It has to be one of the only relationships that was but didn't cause unhappiness. We always MEANT to branch out and have friends and other aspects of life, and he did get together with his grown sons and a friend of theirs, and we did do things like that, but mostly we didn't do the kinds of things we thought we were going to be able to do.
Life was just too hard. We owed too much money. We had to work too hard. And then the aunt and cousin happened. So, faced with too much work and not enough money, our life was pared down to the essentials: family care, work, writing, and each other. And he was all I had.
So when he died and all that was over ... I was devastated.
I tried to go back into writing again. And what did I do? Start a codependent enmeshed relationship with Chi. Because I was all alone, and my marriage hadn't grown me up into an adult. It left me still a lost little child alone in a department store, crying and scared and bewildered. I was still a sad little child desperate for bonding.
And I had known Chi for seventeen years, and I knew he was unhappy and we were compatible, and I investigated to see if he might be interested.
The only saving grace there is, astrology implies I was supposed to do this. We each needed waking up, and if I hadn't done this I would never have the idea for the novel I'm writing now.
But when I keep getting this advice to stay with the new me and not to fall back into the old me, to stay out of power and control, not to sink my teeth into Chi and try to YANK him out of his marriage, HERE'S WHY. if I do, he never gets well. I end up in yet ANOTHER enmeshed codependent relationship, and as soon as we're free to be together, I start getting these messages that sound like, "You feel like you have to choose between your career and your relationship." And when Neptune hits the tip of the yod in a few years (the years we finally move in together or get married), the bad manifestation of that is: "You've hooked up with a loser who thinks you're going to save him."
When the ONLY way out of codependency is DOING THE WORK YOURSELF.
Which is why, when I read our relationship reports all those years ago, I found myself zeroing in on those paragraphs, and because I have read about codependency and I know what an "enmeshed relationship" is, I could say, "Oh, no. This guy didn't get well and this is a codependent enmeshed relationship." Which ends VERY BADLY INDEED, according to more readings than just mine.
Now, be mindful, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO END THAT WAY. But if I stay that lost little child, so desperate for bonding and relationship that I'll latch onto anyone and do ANYTHING--anything but HEAL--that is how it will end up. And engineering this such that it DOES NOT TURN OUT THAT WAY, I needed supernatural and occult guidance to do, which is why you see Neptune in house three--psychic ability and the ability to learn astrology quickly--in my chart, and why I can read for us three triangle mates better than I can read for anyone else. Usually occultists can't read for themselves, only for other people.
So what the Saturn squares REALLY are in my chart, is this propensity to get into codependent enmeshed relationships in order to soothe the lonely, sad, "something's wrong with me" feelings of a long-ago little child who didn't get raised in healthy parental love because parents were mentally ill and absent in the home.
I really could be a writer, but I keep derailing myself into relationships where SOMEBODY NEEDS ME AND I CAN SAVE THEM instead. And that is what the Saturn squares at the tip of the yod really mean-- unhealthy attraction to saving people in a relationship, because of an unsatisfied need for symbiotic childhood bonding with an unconditionally loving and accepting parent.
And, boy, I'd better break myself of that QUICK. Because if he shows up again to "quiz" me on this, there's only one way to flip this healthy--and if I can't I had better RUN FOR MY LIFE--and there are a million ways to end up in Sick Relationship Quicksand that ends in a HORRIBLE divorce when we're seventy-one and eighty-one. Just like I've done my Whole Damned Life.
HOLY SHIT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
So: the question:
Is it true? Does this really happen??
We'll find out in the next three months. Tune in next ...