|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 21, 2020 at 11:20 AM|
As I've said, I find it incredible that my fairy cards keep predicting, with durable and repeatable certainty as to the timing, that a.) this person makes contact again, b.) Rory finds out about it this time, and c.) we struggle with the lessons we are supposed to learn from it as detailed in the horoscope readings I so painstakingly looked up several years ago.
Every damn time I do one of these, I shuffle the cards telling myself: No way. No fucking way. I haven't even seen this guy's face in five years. I haven't heard from him in almost three. In three words,
HOW THE FUCK???
And yet, each time I do the Fairy Ring spread, we keep getting the same cards (even though I've become much better at dealing cards and I've figured out how to shuffle much better, and sometimes I'll just line them all back up in numerical order again and start over). Even the time I didn't realize I was missing cards from the deck, the messages worked out the same.
The Fairy Ring, as well as the astrology, allows one to work out timing. Astrology tells me the yods will be triggered from now til the end of December, but the cards tell me I'm going to hear from him anywhere from now until sometime in September (late September, probably), what happens happens, and he's gone again and it's all over by mid-November.
Well. Here's the test.
Is this shit for real, or what???
I really am glad that I have been led to the ability to do this, because this time has been really just horrible. I threw my back out, so I was pretty much immobile for a couple of weeks, and lack of exercise contributes to torpor for me. Political arguments and covid 19 have separated me, quite possibly permanently, from my writer friends, along with the fact that I have decided to just go it alone on this stupid novel from now on and not pursue publishing it. (It's based on all this.) Nobody in my writer's group likes the thing, so there's the extreme possibility it's just garbage.
In any case, as I know from my late husband's writing career, critical praise does not a career make. People have to love your book, and they pretty much have to hand sell it one to the other, because as I'm all too familiar with from 20+ years in writer's groups, without a degree in marketing and an advertising budget, most regular people struggling to write a book, publish it, and promote it around the demands of life and The Day Job, don't have the knowledge or the budget to make a book sell. And nobody can make a book sell that just doesn't appeal to people. Which, if you go by the reactions in group, this one doesn't.
Of course, the thing with writer's groups is they seem to attract only older folks. The people who have seen this manuscript are all over the age of seventy, and that may be my only saving grace.
In any case, it doesn't seem worth the work or the aggravation to try to find a publisher or to bother with self-publishing. (You should SEE the pain in the ASS others in my group have had with KDP, covers, Amazon ... stop me.) If it's a shitty story that will have no audience, none of that is worth it.
BUT, my horoscope assures me I CAN find writing success, and my lucky window starts in 2022. (If I survive the HORRIBLE year I am scheduled to have in 2021. We're talking MAJOR DEPRESSION here ... like I haven't been struggling with that since my husband passed away in 20-fucking-13.) I'll have a lot more faith in that if I see what I'm "supposed" to in the next four months. If I don't ... WHY would I ever believe the rest of it???
But, as of now, the novel doesn't seem worth a whole lot of struggle, work, and time. So, I'm going to finish the damn thing on my own, throw it up on Wattpad, and wait for it to bomb.
If it does, I don't really have any other ideas for stories, so I guess it's time to forget writing and just find some way more doable to spend any spare time and energy I have. I mean, I could volunteer against climate change and do more good for the planet than I'm doing here. Why waste my time anymore on something no one likes, no one wants, and no one needs?
BUT ... I'm grateful for the ability I've developed to read cards and astrology, because it's the only thing that gives me hope in an otherwise dead life. AFTER I get dumped again (which the cards tell me will be really depressing ... but, I DON'T HAVE TO REACT THAT WAY, since I can see WHY it's happening and what's likely to come after--those readings are a doozy, by the way!), the cards assure me I will have one DEAD year, during which I just have to be patient, keep plugging along, and endure, because better times will come. Not necessarily with Chi.
Better times with him are only going to happen if he can find a good, solid working attitude and overcome codependency and low self-worth. Otherwise he's just a chronic pathological liar who will ruin my life, and a loser who thinks I'm going to save him. (And I have to say, this dynamic was present at the very beginning when we first got together. It is very unhealthy. If it doesn't change ... well, I'm going to be one sorry puppy, and I had better avoid him like the PLAGUE. But, one of my jobs is to kick him in the seat about this, so ... we'll see if I get my chance or not.)
But better times are SUPPOSED to happen somehow with writing. I don't know; my writer's group sure as hell doesn't think so.
But, you know, without hope, human beings just wither and die. I mean, without hope, you're just getting up to go to work and pay bills to get up and go to work and pay bills. Your life puts money in the pocket of someone richer, and if you're alone and you don't have any loved ones or friends, what's the point?
In any case, I'm assured there IS a point, and that falling apart over all this is completely unnecessary.