|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 16, 2020 at 10:00 PM|
As I believe I've posted in a previous entry, every damned tarot or fairy card reading I've done or had done for months has been warning me to expect the return of �?� You-Know-Who. Whether this is simply the product of wishful thinking, a marker for where in the lives of all those involved this would have been if it were going to happen, or an actual harbinger of events we will see transpire in actual life has yet to be seen, but (and I've written this elsewhere on here as well), one thing gives me pause: Her upcoming transits. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________These are DOWNRIGHT SCARY. For this year, she only has about seven that sound halfway good at all, and these are all talking about work and vocational activities. The rest, well �?� ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________If I'm being generous, I can divide those into half that directly forecast finding out about an affair, and half that simply say, "Your primary love relationship sucks." I can take at least half of THOSE and put them in the "affair" category, too, but I try to be as generous as I can when parsing these out. And it's useless to say that I may have the wrong birth time, because as I've pointed out elsewhere on this site, birth time changes your transits very little. Only ones that involve big angles like your midheaven or your ascending change, along with the ones involving fast inner planets like Venus and Mercury, and those tend to be short-lived transits that speed by anyhow. The simple fact is: One way or another, there's at least a fifty percent chance this chart knows it's being cheated on before the end of the year. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Sobering, that. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________That, however, is not the reason I'm writing this. Should it turn out to be true, obviously I need to have a plan for that, and I do, but this week the cards pointed out for me another thing I have to have a plan for, or I'm basically about to ruin my whole entire LIFE. And, no, NOT with the guy. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________So, WTF am I talking about? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I have these lovely fairy cards that were a Christmas gift from a friend a few years ago. Since I've gotten these rumblings about a Possible Return, I have been taking the cards out once a month or so and doing a Fairy Ring spread, which shows you the entire year ahead and makes it possible to discern timing, with each card representing about 6 1/2 weeks. So far they seem to be saying to watch out once September rolls around. In the cards as well as the horoscopes, when I do a proxy reading for each of the two bondmates (it's easier than saying "triangle-mates") the same messages are repeated in the cards as I have seen in the horoscope transits. That's a little unsettling, repeated over many months of repeated card readings. How the HELL can what I want or don't want influence randomly shuffled cards I pick with my eyes closed THAT much?? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________However, the TRUE lesson of the cards is: WHO CARES? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Whether they guy shows up or doesn't show up, the cards show me absolutely desolate by this winter again. You can read that two ways: He shows up and then runs right back home again (which is in the horoscope transits VERY strongly) and I'm miserable because I got DUMPED again; or he doesn't show up and I'm miserable because I know he's never coming back and I'll never see him again. Which is stupid, because if a codependent who thinks he isn't an OK person, who refuses to know his true self, and sabotages all his close relationships by sabotaging himself does NOT show up in your life �?� you might be a good deal better off. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I digress. The important thing is, all three of us keep getting Leprechaun messages: Ones that say, If you focus pointedly on your goal, you will arrive at the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. You can CHOOSE to do this, or you can CHOOSE to get distracted by letting some external event get to your ego: Being hurt, disappointed, flattered, or needing power over others in your dealings with them. I keep getting a reversed one--for this time period right now, in fact--that talks about losing my way by feeling old and as if my life is already over. Which I do. Right about now. I AM older. I keep looking down at this great big gramma belly I have now and these great big fat arms I suddenly have. When young sexy reproductive hormones are gone and the body shifts into old ladyhood, you start storing fat above the waist, and BLAM! Your grandma's figure. Suddenly, you aren't even your PARENTS anymore ...you're your GRANDPARENTS. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Sadly, I got to see my elderly relatives and my husband exit the planet up close and personal. I know that after a certain age, we all end up in the nursing home, incontinent, losing our faculties, and not even able to walk unaided anymore, and since with covid-19 it looks as if the second chapter that could have happened in my life--one more life, with a new home, and a new relationship, and a new career!--isn't going to happen anymore, I feel like I've gone straight from 46 to 86. Yep �?� just marking time here until I'm just marking time in the nursing home. Sheesh, why loiter around for thirty-five more years? The planet's going to just burn to a cinder anyway. Why not just go ahead and get my cancer or my stroke or my heart attack now and skip over all the rest of this crap? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________This card reading, I took the liberty of doing additional fairy rings for the two more years ahead. Just like my horoscopes, They. Were. Awful. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Not lost on me is the fact that I keep getting cards that say, "You're getting lots of spiritual help, but you are choosing not to use it." (Interestingly enough, he gets this all the time, too.) I keep getting cards that talk about the need to believe in yourself, or dreams wither and die on the vine �?� about falling into depression and feeling morose, not taking care of myself, threatening my mental, emotional, and material stability. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Damn. Didn't I JUST do all that??? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The Fairy Ring has a center card, which is supposed to represent you. Mine is this card that keeps talking about children and the need to protect children. I have no children. When it shows up in conjunction with him, I know good and well what it means: I'm supposed to protect his inner child, instead of using him for my benefit (could other people in his orbit please learn to do that, too??) But I never applied it to myself, until I remembered that I have One Lucky Time coming up in my horoscope, that talks about it being a successful time to publish writing. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I gave up on that. First I watched for years as my late husband, a very talented writer who won two more minor awards and then was a finalist for the Shamus Award and the Great Lakes Book Award, ended up having no career because, talented as he was, his first publisher died and his books just never caught on. Then I watched as I posted my first original novel on Wattpad and the world basically yawned. Then I watched as my writer's groups raved over someone else's books and really didn't like my second one at all. THEN I watched as that person sweated and struggled and sweated and struggled to sell, and so far she's only sold about 1000 of her books. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The really depressing thing is that 1000 books is a really good number for a self-published book. You know how many self-published books most authors sell? The average figure is 100. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________One hundred copies. Of a book you struggled for years to write, years to publish. WHAT, one wonders, is the goddamned point? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Then I joined Medium, wrote one article that earned $300 �?� and that was it. Crickets. I was miserable over that for months and months and months. Clearly, I have no talent, I can't write �?� and when even good writers can't have a career �?� WTF have I knocked myself out, lo, these many years for, crying my eyes out when elder care responsibilities intervened and I didn't have time to write anymore? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Let's not forget: My husband's agent--the only agent I know--hates me and thinks I am an idiot. (That's too long a story for this post.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________And I'm supposed to look at a goddamned HOROSCOPE and some fucking TAROT CARDS and think I can have a career as a writer??? Why, that's even dumber than looking at them and thinking someone who's been gone almost three years is going to reappear out of the blue. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What I have neglected to see is that the cards are warning me with will happen if I DON'T believe it. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________This, you see, is how I have learned a great many lessons over these miserable seven years of widowhood. Without looking SOOOO far ahead in everyone's transits most astrologers would take me out back and have me SHOT, I would have completely missed some Very Important Consequences for everyone. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________When I looked far enough ahead, I saw what would happen if I hung onto Chi when he showed back up again in October 2017: ABSOLUTE FUCKING DISASTER. And I saw WHY it would happen, and I saw that every psychology book and video I could get my hands on backed that up absolutely. When I looked far enough ahead, I saw how Chi's wife was likely to destroy her own marriage quite well, thank you, if I simply lifted my grasping little hands up off the steering wheel and sat back and did nothing. I saw that every psychology book and video I could get my hands on backed that up absolutely. And I saw that, as of 2017, at least, that was exactly what was happening. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I am looking at the reality of the publishing world and only at reality. Why do I want to spend my whole life slogging and slogging and slogging away at something people don't even really seem to like, when it's very clear I'm doing it for no reason? Who CARES that astrology and the tarot are telling me, "You can still be a success"? When I've since discovered that most of my reason for wanting to be a success is nothing but narcissism left over from a bad childhood anyhow? Why do I want to be a success, when the whole reason for that in the first place was a big, monstrous, screwed up EGO? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What the cards are showing me is the reality called, "What's Going To Happen To Me If I Continue To Think Like That." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________And it is HORRIBLE. Motherfucking HORRIBLE. Reality may be reality, and it may continue to be reality. And reality is depressing and no bullshit. Just look at climate change. Just look at one Donald J. Trump. (That reality is enough to make you puke right there.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________But if all I do is hit myself over the head with how terrible reality looks all the time, the last thirty years or so I have on this planet are going to be so awful I really might just hang myself and get it all over with. I'll be so old and depressed and useless and purposeless life won't mean anything to me anyway, except suffering and a shit life that ended in more shit life. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________It does no good to believe in tarot cards and astrology like fairy tales: "Oh, MY HOROSCOPE SAID I'M GOING TO BE A STAR!!" Then it doesn't happen and I'm devastated. Been there, done that. Your worth can't be tied up in being A Star. Even Donald Trump is going to have to retire one day, and what will happen to THAT fucked-up ego when that day gets here? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________But if you just mire your nose in prosaic reality, because it's REALITY and you think you have to BECAUSE IT'S REALITY--you end up so depressed life isn't worth living at all. You go around going, "I'm just going to end up in a nursing home anyway, and this is crap and all I'm going to do is bum along in a crap life 'til I get there, and everything before that ended shittily anyway," and look how awful I'll feel. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Either it's going to end up one of two ways: The guy comes back and, after a short hiatus during which he grows the fuck up after I've kicked him squarely in the seat one more time, we have a real shot; or, The guy never comes back and we never see each other again. Doesn't matter which. I can ruin my life all by myself. And either fucking way I get three more years alone to do it in. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Let's say that Reality (which, as we all know, Bites) will be The Winner. it doesn't matter WHAT we originally had planned for this life, everyone knows that Things Go Wrong. Say I really could have had a successful writing career, and, like getting assigned a family full of sick people, a husband that died years too early when we were very happy, a second guy who refused to do his work and grow the fuck up and disappeared forever, Something Is Gonna Go Wrong and everything really does end the way I loathe to think: I struggle along alone in my current career, stressed to the max until I'm just too old and sick to do it anymore, then I end up in a shitty nursing home and fall into dotage 'til I die miserably there at 90, there are still two ways I can get there. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I can get there telling myself all this over and over and depressing myself immeasurably because I'm telling myself that This Is Reality and therefore it's what I have to think; or I could conceivably end up in the same sad place, having given myself a much better time getting there. (Because most of us are going to die before 90 and that's a fact.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What these cards are showing me is I'd better think very hard about taking the second route, because the first route is showing me with severe mental problems if I keep doing this to myself. I mean needing some serious professional help. I mean poor Janice, the therapist who's come along on this ride with me for the past five years, is going to find herself with her head in her hands at her desk after having to commit me on suicide watch or something, going, "Where did I go wrong?" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________(Clearly, that should never be allowed to happen.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Look, if you apply this technique I've had of looking V-E-R-Y far ahead in transits, it's easy enough to see someone ELSE'S wrong turns. The Bondmates have several big ones comin' right up. (Can I go over their house and clonk her over the head and scream, "You idiot!!"? Um �?� probably not.) But �?� it's absolutely essential that I apply this technique TO MYSELF. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I'm assured that if I just find a way to believe in myself, I'm going to have a career as a writer. That's too hard for me to believe. REALITY, and all that. (Besides: I'm supposed to believe something stupid like that from TAROT CARDS and some ASTROLOGY READINGS??? Janice should just commit me now!) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________If I don't find a way to believe in myself or at least have some fun some kind of way, I'm going to miss it. But even if I do find a way to get the stupid novel done in some fashion approaching quality and it doesn't happen anyway, I don't need to hit myself over the head with REALITY so hard that I'm absolutely miserable all of the time. I could find a more lighthearted way to look at things. I might even remember how to have fun--something I lost in childhood and after all these years, STILL haven't figured out. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________It's what makes the difference between dying of Alzheimer's alone at 90 in a shitty nursing home having had a completely shitty life, and doing the same thing having had a better experience for a couple of those decades at least. Which is better, suffering and being miserable the entire time, or suffering and being miserable only the parts that really have to be miserable?? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I've stared at astrology almost five years in the course of figuring all this out, and tarot about that long. You may have to stare at yours that long, too. When you grow up impaired from a bad childhood with sick parents, things that other people grew up knowing and see instinctually take this long and you need this much help. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Which is why I'm a fan of the phrase, "By any means necessary." If that includes tarot (and astrology), so be it.