The Thinking Other Woman

Yeah.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yPeUt8Kifg" target="_blank">http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yPeUt8Kifg

The thing about tarot readings is, whether you believe in them or not, they make you think. 

The one I just posted talks about my life being like scorched earth for a very long time. Boy, is THAT ever correct. It also talks about the idea that thinking some other person was supposed to come in and be everything that makes a fulfilling life ... maybe not being the best way to go about things.

My entire life has played a trick on me, really. First I was born to the two eldest offsprings of the two sickest families of the city I was born in, who met in high school and married much too young. Then the mentally ill mother CONSUMED by what people said about her and how people treated her 24/7, the using of the kids as moral support and flying monkeys against the rest of the family, the constant airings of her every peccadillo with any other person she was having problems with, the early death of my father in the plane crash .. and all the rest of it, including the cruel schoolmates ... made Mini-Me consumed with the idea that no one liked me, that something was wrong with me, and that nobody would ever love me, and made me overempathize with my mother and wish something could be done to rescue her and fix her.

I spent my earliest young adulthood limerant on a charismatic college professor who, while he was nice and concerned about me, would never take advantage of a young woman with Problems, and remained as distant and unattainable as the sun. And then I started gaining weight, and became SURE nobody would ever want me, because I Was Fat.

Which led to me essentially swapping my virginity at 32 for the opportunity to have safe sex at all, and getting used and dumped by a recent divorcee before my late husband swooped in and saved me.

All my life was about trying to get things I saw other people effortlessly being born with and effortlessly having. I ended up in my career because it was what family approved of and it would pay enough bills to get me out of the house so I would (hopefully) never have to go home again.

And then, finally! Finally! I HAD a great relationship and a happy family (of two)!

And that was all it really took to "make" me happy. I really didn't even care that my first novel had too much stuff it in that my late husband could help me with (that I really wouldn't have chosen to do otherwise), because it was a bonding experience. (And fun!) And it didn't really even bother me that my husband's career was obviously not going to go anywhere once I figured that out, because we were happy and we had each other.

And brain cancer dumped me right on my ass too shortly thereafter.


And I haven't known what to do ever since. I tried to go right back in and rescue somebody else ... but that guy wasn't ready to be rescued, and even if he were, there's more to a fulfilling life than being rescued.


A codependent enmeshed relationship ultimately isn't going to make anybody happy. And if you're not going to have a codependent enmeshed relationship, you need to have a central wellspring that makes YOUR life work, no matter what your intimate relationship partner is doing or if you even have one at all.


And that, I haven't been good at. 


I used to think that a meaningful life for me would be one in which I was "paid to play," where I just dreamed up wonderful things and people wanted to read them and that paid me a living wage. But I can't do that ... just like most other people on this planet who want to also cannot.


I like astrology, but I don't think I like it enough to spend $4000 on classes and intensive study and then hang a shingle out and read charts for the rest of my life.

I used to think writing insightful pieces on astrology and affairs and relationships and self-worth was meaningful, but I'm coming to the end of that now. Will I still want to write about this in eight more years? I mean, it will be sixteen years in the rear view mirror by then!


They say that to find something truly meaningful to you, go back to childhood and learn how to play again.


But I don't know how much I played in childhood. A lot of my play was either directed or made fun of by my mother. Most of my childhood was about hating and babying her mentally ill self.


Most people would say that what I do for a living is very meaningful, indeed. However, I have always felt more drained doing it than I ever felt fulfilled.

Have I just had so much of myself squelched by the need to finally be liked and accepted that I have no way to find what actually has meaning to ME? Because if there's anything my former affair partner and I have been on a journey finding out, it's that


No matter how much society prescribes what is good for people to follow and insists that if it checks off these boxes, we're-fulfilled-when-you-do-it-so-you-should-be-too, if it doesn't spark that deep-down good feeling in YOU, it isn't good FOR you. 

So WTF was it I was supposed to find in my life to make my life--or, rather, my old age, because that's where I am now--a fulfilling one?? Because, fuck if I know.

Dear Angels, Metatron, Spirit Guides, Whoever Is Around Who Can Help: 

I've been told to ask for blessings, so I am.

We've got 44 days left, here. If it really is true that he's unhappy, that he misses me, that he wishes he'd left, that he's sorry he stayed, but he doesn't feel worthy to speak to me:


Please. Speak to his heart. Tell him I believe he is good enough. Tell him I love him and miss him. Tell him I'm his friend forever no matter what. Tell him I would be so happy to hear from him I'd shed tears, I'd be grateful forever more--even if it didn't work out and it was only for one last time.

Tell him I still adore him. That I'd still be here for him if he would only speak to me. That he's the only one for me.

Please.


Thank you so, so much. I know you can't make him believe ... but thank you.

Darling,

I love you and miss you so much. I know I've sounded angry with you, and I'm sorry.

Even if you really can't leave her, it's still okay. I'd love nothing more than one last goodbye. At least then I'd know I wasn't completely crazy. 

If you could be here, I'd do so much better of a job this time. I'm sorry for how I acted. I don't need you to take care of me and I will give you all the space you need. I have plans, and I will take care of myself.

You are a wonderful person, and so smart, so kind, and so funny. I have always loved your mind and your sense of humor and the way we always understood one another. I have always loved you. 

I've waited for you nearly twenty-five years, that's how special you are to me.

I would do anything if we could be together, but I understand if we can't.

Can't you please come back one more time in this life, even if only to say goodbye before we really are too old?

I love you forever and ever, no matter what.

Love,

me.                                  

It's safe to say this journey is over. 

This person's announced his intention never, ever to return. I've been through the whole thing ... the loss of a cherished dream, realizing where I was scared, selfish, and using someone, hoping for someone to change who couldn't change (at least it was only eight years this time instead of thirty-eight), growing through the loss of youth and taking on the mantle of complete, utter, and total responsibility for myself.

I learned that some people are just too badly wounded to change, and even though your heart bleeds for them, because they really are wonderful people even though you see that and they don't, it's too painful to hang on, and you just have to turn your back and let them be who they want to be. It's not their job to make you happy or you them--it's our own job to mature enough to make our own selves happy.

I learned that life on this planet comes with severe limits for most people, and that life is about learning to live within very constricted limits instead of dreaming impossible dreams and thinking YOU can achieve them. I'm one of those severely limited people. OK, I hold what some may think of as a high-powered job, but because I didn't get the assistance a lot of kids in my situation got, I'm living the life of a poor person. I will be handling that all on my own. I will be LUCKY just to transform my small dwelling into a decent place to live without going bankrupt, take adequate physical care of myself, and find some little sense of meaning in my life before I pass away.


There won't be a man in my life, or any close loved ones. From here on out, it's me, myself, and I. This soul mate cycle has concluded. It's done. 

I don't feel bad for him. He has his home, his children, his painting, his grandchildren. The fact is, neither of these people is comfortable with emotional expression, and they've selected a relationship that protects them from that. Sure, he felt lonely enough to respond to me one time, but he's very, very talented at pushing pain down, down, down and away, where he doesn't have to be aware of it, doesn't have to think of it, doesn't have to feel it. Soon old age illnesses and woes will begin, and we will all start our final slide to the grave.


I don't have to worry about this person anymore. I don't have to worry about seeing this person anymore. I don't have to think about this person ever again. There's no point. Over is over and done is done. Dwelling on this any more accomplishes nothing. So, it's behind me. And, if you're swooning over somebody married, you have a 99.9% chance this is going to be you, too. Don't waste your time.


I'm just going to work on the condo and think about what to put in this last set of stories I'm going to write. That's all I have left, really, so I don't have much choice.


The trick is to take these two little crumbs and make them be enough for me. They're going to have to be because they're all I have. It should be easier now because I'm crossing the line into old age. I'm only going to be 55, but it's been a hard, hard life and I don't have any energy. I'm going to blink my eyes and be 65, and I feel like I am already. All that young stuff about relationships and love and sex and finding someone and "settling down" is done and I'm past that stage in life. I got to have it for about fifteen years, and that was it. All gone!


Now I am an old woman, and it's time to just find enough energy to work and pay bills, take care of my living space and my body as well as I am able, and just while away the time and watch the world go by. 


It sure isn't the life I wanted to live or thought I would be living even a year ago ... but oh, well. Those of us with yods find that much is out of our hands. 


Except him. His yod really did put him at total choice in his life, and the lives of all those around him. His family is happy with his choice, he will make himself at peace with it ... and now, so will I.


I feel like I will always miss his company. I miss him. There really wasn't anyone else like him.


But, oh, well. He gifted me with his company for a very short time, and he left me with the gift of a story.


Maybe I can write it so this doesn't happen to a few other people. 

(And I do mean a few.)                                        

So, after eight years of internet lurking, the emotional affair I participated in for four months ages ago has finally drawn to a close.

(Actually, there's forty-six days left before this cycle is officially over and the rest of my life starts. In that time, Jupiter will have gone over, and that will be the end. But I already know how it ends. Someone who doesn't even come back to this website anymore is never coming back to me.)

I won’t be seeing or hearing from this person ever again. When I ask the tarot, the reason is always the same:

“He doesn’t feel good enough.”

One might laugh at the use of tarot cards, but I believe this answer, which never varies, because when we were together, this is what he said:

“I just thought no one would ever love me.”

“I thought I was repulsive to women.”

And various other iterations of feeling no good.

I know where all this came from, of course. The guy is an adult child of an alcoholic.

I’ve come to realize that some people are so badly, deeply scarred from growing up in an unhealthy household, they will just never, ever recover.

My great aunt Winnie was one of them. Family stories abounded when I was young of her mother, my great-grandmother Mimi, lying in bed all day while eight children needed to be bathed, changed, and fed. Due to what we know today are signs of major depression, those jobs fell to the oldest girl, my great aunt Winnie. My great grandfather abused and beat those children.

The last time I saw her, when she was aged seventy-nine, my great aunt Winnie was still wondering sadly aloud why her parents treated her the way they did.

My mother was another one. After growing up in that household, my grandfather had a horrible temper, and snapped and beat the children on the regular.

He also sexually abused my mother. (As an aside, this is why I am pro-choice. Look at all this suffering! How many kids whose parents knew they didn’t want them grow up this way? If we say we want healthy kids and happy families, how about letting people opt out of parenthood when they know they aren’t ready, so more people don’t have to grow up like this?)

My mother is undoubtedly mentally ill. Now aged seventy-nine herself, she has become a professional victim. Her Facebook page is filled with rants about how her father sexually abused her and my father had an affair, and how all she does is try to be a nice person and what a horrible life she’s had.

The wisdom of posting things like this on Facebook, or how these postings come across to the casual viewer, doesn’t seem to occur to her. Emotionally, she is still a little two-year-old, crying desperately for her mother to come pick her up and love her.

Growing up with her turned me into someone with a fixer mentality, trying to trade my fixing for some sort of stability with someone.

I have to be mindful of that when I see my ex-affair partner still caught up in overdoing for a family whose approval he desperately needs, but refuses to share his real feelings with.

It’s a codependent dynamic of, “My parents didn’t love me, so I don’t feel worthy of love, so I have to have everyone approve of me all the time, so I will bend over backwards to do everything they want, hide my real self, and then I will be depressed because nobody divines who the real me is and my needs will never get met.”

I was there trying to meet those needs, but he ran away. Who cared what the marriage was like — if his adult daughter threatened never to speak to him again, that was the living end.

She didn’t care what the marriage was like, either.

No one really cares how the leaving party in a marriage feels, or what the unmet needs were.

All that matters is that duties must be carried out, everything must go on the way it always has before, and other people must not be upset.

Even if they only see you twice a year at Christmas and Fourth of July and they have their own happy marriage, they must not be upset.

This is very familiar to people like my ex-affair partner, because this is how they were raised.

Everywhere I see it. Every person staying in a crappy marriage because other people will be too upset if they leave, people who left and now they’re tearing their own eyeballs out, rewriting history, feverish with guilt.

People gripped in such ferocious self-loathing, it couldn’t possibly have come from a bad marital situation any idiot would want to leave.

Every person raised in a household where their feelings didn’t matter to their ignoring or abusive parents has trouble leaving an unhappy marriage.

The problem comes when we alternative partners blame them for it.

It’s easy to do. We didn’t come from a good situation ourselves.

We’re looking for someone to “save us.” Someone who will love us and make us happy the way home life with Mom and Dad never did. Someone who will validate us by making us the hero.

But it doesn’t work that way with these folks from abusive homes with childhood emotional neglect. These people do not believe their happiness is okay.

Therefore, they can’t take anything for themselves or allow themselves to be happy unless and until there isn’t one dissenting voice from the world around them.

In the case of divorce, especially if an affair was involved, that will never happen.

It’s important to remember that this stuff has deep roots. It isn’t healthy, and it has deep, deep roots. A person has to be aware to combat that within themselves. They have to see it isn’t healthy, and that they themselves are people, too, not slaves to be broken on the expectations of other people and society.

If one person is absolutely miserable so that everyone else can be happy, that doesn’t work. But these people don’t see it that way, and they have plenty of agreement from a society that hates divorce and wishes every cheater at the absolute pits of Hell.

There’s no room for circumstance or intent in the mind of society … nor in the mind of the formerly abused child.

These days, it’s that formerly abused child I think of, when I see that I will be traveling into old age alone.

I see that I can’t be angry at that person for failing to provide me with my dream. I can’t be angry at that person for not being as strong as I am, for not being able to see, stuck in the bosom of a rigid and unseeing family, what I see with my shelf of psychology books and my commitment to lifelong learning.

That person can’t make me happy. it isn’t even his job. It’s my job to make me happy.

He can’t even find permission within himself to be happy, or a way to see himself as a person whole and equal to other people.

Inside he’s still two, and mommy being angry or dismissive or crying on the couch during naptime means he isn’t a good enough little boy. Mommy would have loved some other little boy and been happy, but she doesn’t care about him because he is not good enough.

The pain of that little child still lives.

Some people are just too broken by it to ever overcome it, or even believe they deserve to.

So, I’ll give up on the dream, give up on the hope, and turn my back to make my own way now.

But I won’t do it with yet more hatred toward that idiot person who "used" me, or refused to give me what I wanted or needed, or refused to make me happy.

That wasn’t his job. His only job was to heal, and he’s too wounded to do that. I see that now. He simply isn’t capable, and this late in life is just too late in life.

And I will never dump yet more hatred on the head of that sad little boy whose own parents couldn’t love him.

I will love the essence of who that person is, even as I leave him to his fate and walk away.

Her:

Jupiter square itself: A tendency toward excess. Tests your understanding of the world in that if you have gotten overconfident, you could have financial (or other) problems.

Jupiter square Uranus: A sudden change in life direction or a sudden change in fortune. It could be a big opportunity or a sudden and unexpected disruption.

Jupiter opp Neptune: A personal growth challenge. Spiritual growing pains. Struggling to understand the truth. You overidealized something or someone and now you are susceptible to disappointment or to being taken advantage of. You may discover something that may change your beliefs. There could be a disappointment or a loss here.

Him:

Jupiter conj South Node: It means that life, especially society, rewards and encourages the native not to evolve. It’s very easy for him to continue to emphasize the house the conjunction occupies in the manner of the sign it occupies, even though equal effort in the opposite house and sign (where the North Node is) would bring him into better personal balance. The native needs to muster extra self-discipline in order to avoid wasting opportunities for personal development on a non-challenging but socially-approved ‘treadmill.’

We need to note here that his South Node in House Seven, the house of marriage and partnership, is just about as far as you can go in Pisces without tipping over into Aries. I can tell you that Aries is one headstrong sign. Aries is all about the ME. So having House Seven ruled by Aries would reflect a much stronger attitude of putting one’s own well-being first in a marriage.

Whether you use new rulerships or traditional, the ruler of his seventh house is in his second house, so this person marries for self-esteem and security. Pisces is also the sign that dreamily melds into drugs or other people looking for a sense of redemption, and serves others in an institution. So this Jupiter is just reinforcing all that. You can have a lot of mysterious misunderstandings in a marriage requiring serious work on the self. (And we know this guy is allergic to exactly that!)

Jupiter opp Sun: An inner journey leading to personal growth. A turning point where you reflect on what you need to be truly happy, possibly confronting opposing forces to get what you want. You can overdo your attempts to grab at something you think will make you happy and then end up suffering consequences in the end.

Jupiter opp Mercury: Overstating your case; seeing what you had overlooked; wanting to learn; awareness of self; expressing self in an exaggerated manner; restless; sense of frustration. Big plans or ideas that may trip you up because of poor planning and not considering all details.

Now, me. I definitely get the most important hits at the upcoming end of April:

Jupiter inconjunct Uranus: You get a hit of good luck that could spur growth, but you need to be modest about it and use good sense or it could go badly as a result of arrogance or overconfidence.

Jupiter inconjunct Neptune: Having resources to grow and expand. It's a trial and error to get my best skills to emerge in a way that promotes growth and doesn't harm other people. A test of faith and belief in something. Finding the limits of what is possible in the current conditions. I put my faith in something or someone to come through for me and now I find out whether I was being realistic or not. There could be a total victory, a total defeat, or anything in between. The tipping point is here.

Jupiter conj Saturn: Either I decide to work within existing limits or throw them over and bolt for freedom. Interestingly I also get a Sun trine Jupiter at this time, which augurs good luck.

Jupiter square Sun: I get ambitious, but need to understand the limits of reality as I could reach too far and suffer disappointment as a result.

Jupiter square Mercury: Urgent messages and thoughts to relay to others. The need to use some common sense.

Jupiter square Moon: Big feelings, very in touch with my emotions, could overreact.

Jupiter square Mars: I may make a big effort without anticipating difficulties. I could become arrogant or domineering or too competitive. I need to choose battles wisely. I start out full of enthusiasm, but I could end up getting overwhelmed and giving up.

Jupiter square Vertex: Fated good thing is happening here, but I could get too self-indulgent. I need to work on communication skills, education, and controlling my thoughts about something.

Jupiter trine AC: Good fortune; lucky breaks. Uh-oh. Astrologer Jamie Patridge writes this as a significator of a new relationship, one that teaches me something about being more tolerant and understanding of others. (He's not the only astrologer writing this, either.) I'm growing in consciousness and experiencing more meaningful contacts with others. More competent and creative and likely undertaking some form of study.

I had posted this earlier, but I mixed natal things in the charts together with the transit that is about to come through: Jupiter hitting the apex of my yod and boomeranging his. I keep trying to pound and pound and pound into my soul that IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP. I know there's no hope here, and I'm about to receive incontrovertible proof. We all know twin flames just teach horrible, painful lessons and don't work out. Time to swallow that for good and STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

I have one tarot reading here (not by me) that I do have a soul mate who wants to come in and work with me, but I have to let this one go first. He’s simply incapable, not going to get well from codependency and low self-worth in this lifetime, and there’s just no hope for this connection ever, ever again in this life. Ever. I’m being told: Give up. Forget it. Move on. And use this as a lesson for what not to do in the future. Use what was learned here so as not to miss the real thing later.

It’s time for a totally new me and part of that is being attracted to something different than what I used to be attracted to in the past. A truly reciprocal relationship is out of my comfort zone because I’m used to trying to nurse people back to health in order to be loved. I need to grow out of that and be attracted to and accept something healthier where I don’t need to do that … because I don’t have the power to change other people. The person I wanted is too weak to change and told me that at the very beginning, and I would not listen.

And he’s STILL too weak to change and I still don’t want to believe that, and that’s wrong. I need to change, grow up, unlearn this, let the sick people in my life fall into the past where they are determined to stay the way they are, and move into TOTAL NEW.


This is the place in the twin flame journey where the twin flames, if they've done the healing they were supposed to do while apart, could come back together. I've done my healing and I'm here, and I'm going to discover ... he hasn't done any, and isn't going to make the rendezvous. And that will conclude this chapter. At 64, he's about to hit senility and end of life issues. It's too late in life to make a change of partner, and what I'm told via tarot is this person is giving up and hasn't got it in him. Both twins needed to complete their tasks, and one hasn't and will not, so this is it. 

So, okay. I’m done. This person is GONE. Forever.

Personally, I really don’t believe I have anybody else coming, and I really am not looking for a relationship anymore. I see I’m going to be alone in my life from now on and I just want to know how to get really good at making my own self happy, accepting what there is in my life, and adapting myself so that I’m happy with only what there is and only what I can get.

But, this Jupiter is coming through and about to hit all three charts. What is it supposed to mean, again?

So, more quickly than the last two times (I put the slimmed-down transits in the post above this one for those needing better proofs), here's the summary of what I've been told:

She’s getting some kind of rude shock or test because she misjudged something; he has a big opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth, feels a drag back to the way he’s always lived, has to muster courage to be more self-determining, but could end up failing if he doesn’t plan, think it through, and barges ahead before he’s really ready.

And I’m finally finding out how something hugely important I’ve been waiting on is going to turn out. There’s a lot of emotion, communication, and a hit of good luck here. It might go badly and I need to use a lot of good common sense or I could end up disappointed and very, very sorry. (Again.)

(EDIT: You know ... reading this over, I am getting the CREEPS, here. I remember all those transits in the future talking about a marriage or partnership that is disappointing and not going well. And all I saw in the relationship yods [but never wrote up here] about not getting too optimistic or too pessimistic. COULD IT BE that this really does come back around ... but it's still BAD and I'm being warned off? Or those awful marriage transits come true and my life is ruined??)

(On the other hand, at least I'd get a writing career out of it. But then I remember that transit about being so let down I wonder what all the success was for. Now, THAT shit is SCARY.)

So, what’s really going to happen when this Jupiter comes through? Because nothing else comes through until Chiron and that’s a few years away.

As I said: My best guess is NOTHING. I'm getting no indications of any big turnaround. I'm already told this person doesn't have it in him and isn't even going to show up for this. And I can see that, because he hasn't been back in two and a half months, a new record for him. It would be sad if all this had really been preparation for a big change and a big breakthrough for him/us here and it all failed ... but that's exactly what's going to happen. We scheduled this ... but it's all off now.

You can see the significators that things could have turned around here, but: Although the tipping point is here--because, think, I would have to hear from him soon if all the stuff in 2024-2027 were actually going to come true--this guy has DISAPPEARED.

So, this is the place, and I will see that it’s a complete and total loss. All over.

I wonder if anything else will happen instead?

Hmm, maybe I’ll meet somebody else. I have NO idea how THAT would happen. If I do I will need to keep an open mind, and not compare that person to this individual I am saying goodbye to who has already taken his way out.

Maybe it will be something else entirely. I can’t imagine what. I don’t expect a big break in writing anymore—that ship TOTALLY sailed—so who knows?

Most likely it will be a totally normal couple of weeks. I’m remodeling, so I’ll be buying paint and trying to pay down bills so I can pay for new flooring and asbestos removal.

What I would most like to do is reform my living space so that it makes me happy, and then just settle down and be a little old lady in it. I would like to eat better and balance my days better and get more exercise. And I would like to meet something within myself that I can go back to in order to feel happiness, rather than expect a romance that isn’t likely to materialize to make me happy again.

I hope I can get back into writing. I would like to just figure out a good ending for the series I started on Wattpad and post it. If I can even get ten loyal readers I would be happy. I think it’s going to be very difficult to do even that. I expect nothing else from writing, and all I want to do is create a world I can go to and be happy in. I am old, and I’ll just be paying bills, working, and dealing with daily life from now on until my health breaks down and it’s time to go. So I just want to live happily in whatever little world I can build until I’m too old and sick to do so anymore. I try to picture myself doing these activities and feeling happy and content in the years to come, as my face wrinkles and my hair goes gray and I get stooped over and it's harder and harder to get around. If you can't picture it, you can't do it, right?

It's clear to me that if I want to be happy, I have to stop thinking about this relationship and this person. There's no need even to remember this person anymore. I can't help him. It doesn't  help me. It’s not going to amount to anything, and to live in regret over it for the rest of my life isn’t healthy and is just going to keep me sad and depressed. And I don’t want to be sad and depressed, I want to be free of all the bad things that happened in the past and feel happy with my life the way it is now.

So, I’m going to try, at least.

Really, there’s no need to expect anything with this Jupiter at all. Maybe I’ll have a slightly happier day than most.

That would be nice.

I don't feel bad about reposting this from the comment section of another post from an adulterer I'm following. It's a public post already written for all to see, regarding posts he'd made in which he keeps bemoaning leaving his marriage for a relationship "that has no future":

With regard to those statements — I think about home all the time — I’ve been living out of a duffel bag for 13 months now driving back and forth between the home I shared with my wife and children, my parents home (100 miles away) and my girlfriends home (130 miles away). I see my children maybe 2 or 3 days a month tops. I have left myself with a mere $850 a month to live on (maybe a little more if I decide to write more) and I’m tired of living this life. I miss my children more than anything and I miss the friendship I had with my wife. I miss my life. I’ve been wrestling with this the entirety of the affair and hence why on so many occasions I tried to break it off….but I kept going back because the thought of never talking to her again was so frightening to me, I allowed it to overrule all my other emotions. I was just so damn afraid of being lonely again. When I say my current relationship has no future it’s because I can’t see a time when I’ll be able to take care of myself because I need to make sure my family comes first — so how can we realistically have a longterm future together. It’s just a hard situation. I love my current partner but I love my family (including my wife) — I want to do the right thing for once but I just don’t know what that is anymore. The right thing for me — honestly — would have been to take time away from both relationships to focus on the issues of loneliness and depression that led me here — but I never allowed myself that time because I knew she’d be gone if I did — not sure this is a perfect explanation and there’s so many aspects of these emotions but this is generally how I feel. 

Now, HERE is why, when my married man kinda-sorta came back in 2017 and hoped to see me as a friend, I said no.


I knew that wasn't going to last a fartin' spree. We both knew we still loved each other, and the living instant he started complaining about his marriage and his life to me again, I wouldn't be able to resist and we'd be off to the races.


I also understand that, for an affair relationship to go above-board and become THE relationship without problems, THE GUY HAS TO HAVE ALREADY WORKED THIS STUFF THROUGH.

This is the same reason people have such a long recovery after divorce, before they're really ready to find a relationship they will stick with. The former marriage has been parents-and-family to them, and they need to feel the grief over the things about it they will miss, put it all in perspective, and find some peace in having left and having the life they have now.


THEN they are ready to forge a real bond with you, without How-I-Wish-It-Would-Have-Been and How-Others-Still-Wish-It-Should-Have-Been dragging them back, dragging them back, dragging them back.

You have to feel ready to be happy where you are now, and YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT'S OKAY TO BE HAPPY WHERE YOU ARE NOW.

This guy wasn't. Everything was still, "Oh, the children, the children, the children!" and "What everyone else thinks about me and says about me!"


Um, the "children" are now in their thirties. Every one of these people except the minor grandchildren is an adult, with their own dwelling space and their own life, their own home and their own relationship (as far as I know.) And (as far as I know), all those relationships are happier, healthier, and more fulfilling than the one my ex-married man had with his wife.


Now, WHY was this guy putting the feelings and opinions of already-happy people over his own, desperately UNhappy self?? His brother and sister-in-law have their own happy marriages. Sure, they THINK the spouse had a happy marriage, and they know she will be UNhappy if this guy leaves. But it was HER responsibility to apply herself in the marriage counseling SHE asked for, and when you don't do that, folks, there are consequences.


Why was it more important to these folks to put that over him? (Answer: Because they don't know everything about the situation; they just think they do, and it's society's knee-jerk reaction to divorce to believe Breaking Up A Family Is Always Bad.)


The problem was, it wasn't me who needed to understand all this. And the person who did need to understand all this tends to retreat from any kind of introspection or difficult psychological work. (Another thing that would need attention for me to feel safe to approach.)


What I feel sad about for the fellow in the quote is, he didn't think his girlfriend would still be around if he took the time to work on himself. In his case, I don't know. When she writes, she does sound shaky in self-worth, needful of a lot of proof that he will stay and not leave her, and very demanding.


I remember being that way myself eight years ago ... before I did some reading and really understood what it is to leave a marriage. Even being widowed takes some adjustment.

Well, now I'm cured. I've been alone eight long years, I expect to be alone for the rest of my life, and I've quit panicking about it. I've made my peace with that. I will be just like my great aunt, dying alone in a nursing home--I won't even have a niece to check on me--and I will rise to the occasion.

There's no point crying about it. I have no other choice.


I'm not dating anyone or looking to date again. Why struggle, at my age and weight, to relive the past when what I need to be doing is strengthening those Handle-Life-On-My-Own muscles, since I will, in fact, be handling life on my own?


Except ... if this guy would DO THE MOTHERFUCKING WORK, if he ever found himself single, I'd date him again, sure. I'd be looking out for signs the guy was still not healthy, but I'd be more than happy to give him a chance.


Yet ... it's people like this who keep hanging their heads alone in their room, going, "I'm no good, I'm no good. B-boo, b-b-boo, boo, hoo, hoo," and ASSUMING there's no point speaking again. This particular fellow believed that if he didn't commit to the girlfriend now, she'd be gone and there would be no second chances. 


From the writings of this woman, she's not the kind who understands that people following a divorce need a healing period, that people dealing with depression, codependency, and low self-worth need S-P-A-C-E to figure out who they are, what they think, and carve out space for themselves in their own life.

I didn't, either, eight years ago. I was a lot like this person, who from other writings I see is poor, struggling, and perhaps afraid of life and looking for her lover to help shore her up and make her feel safe and happy.


Like I was so long ago.


Some people can't wait. It may be advisable to bypass these people.

Some people can wait. It may be advisable to hang onto those people ... but they're not going to stick around eight years.

Some people just get to work fixing their own problems, and eight years later, they're still around. They're going to be okay without you, but they don't hate you, they don't think you're an awful person, they understand what you were going through, AND THEY'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING CHANCE.


But you'll never know that if you just bury your head in the sand, curse yourself, decide the only thing YOU are worth is GIVING UP ON ... and then proceed to do just that.


I can't do anything about that.


Oh, well.                                                                                                                       

https://medium.com/illumination-curated/when-is-it-time-4f4b6bf9e72a" target="_blank">http://https://medium.com/illumination-curated/when-is-it-time-4f4b6bf9e72a

I'm glad I stumbled onto Medium, not only as a way to make extra money, but as a way to learn. I've learned so much from other people who tell their real life stories about infidelity and heartbreak there. (Word to the wise: Number of people I've seen on there who started out as an affair and ended up happily married? TWO.)

Here lately a certain (Medium) famous couple is chronicling their latest breakup and makeup. (And I DO mean latest. These two--he's still married--have been carrying on for the past three years, and have broken up and gotten back together again so many times I can't even count 'em.)

These two make me so, so, SO glad I study astrology, because astrology helped me N-O-T grab an arm and pull and struggle to hold onto my married man. I am beginning to think that is the single worst thing you can do.

At the end of Phase I (four month limited whirlwind; divorce lawyer visit; moveout; then the Big Guilt by the fam back into the marriage, counseling, and then--of course--the Big Dump) I was so distraught, I turned to astrology. It's a good thing I didn't know much about it, or I would never have done what I did: Buy tons of computerized transit reports for the years ahead, for all three people, and then stare at them so long I realized that various ones, if spliced together in temporal order ... told a story with at least two distinct timelines and outcomes.

It was like watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation or Picard.


(I'm sure my latest astrology teacher would have gone into apoplexy had I ever admitted this.)


Based on one horrible storyline with a very bad outcome, I elected to turn my married man down when he sort of half-assed it back to me in October of 2017. Oh, I wanted to hang on and fight, but this storyline showed me what was going to happen if I did ... and based on tons of reading and research I had already done on codependency and relationships, I had to admit that scenario was very likely to come true. 


Although the female writer in this saga has published a piece calling me a--what was it? Oh, yeah ... "a meddling woman who does not have the decency to mind her own business and instead inserts herself into other peoples relationships for fun(sic)" because I mentioned to the male writer something about the contents of the piece she posted after their penultimate breakup (there's a reason I used that word), I have to say it:


There but for the grace of astrology and common sense go I.

Because the latest round from these two illustrates exactly the shit that's gonna happen when you Grab An Arm And Pull. 


Since I've been chastised for meddling, I'm not going to warn this person. I'm just going to sit back, grab a snack, and see if this does, in fact, go where I would bet real money it's about to go. What we are about to witness, dear reader, is what WOULD HAVE HAPPENED had I grabbed my married man's arm and fought to keep him, 

                               ... and it's going to happen for The. Very. Same. Reason.

The latest round of pieces from these two is horrifying. Blood-curdling. I wouldn't want to be this chick in another couple of months or so, for all the whiskey in Ireland. 


Why? After they broke up the last time, vowing to stay broken up, and I mentioned she'd written an angry piece about it, he bitched at her for posting about the breakup on Medium, they started talking again, and ... they got back together. This time (apparently), he told his wife he wanted a divorce, told her he was going to stop speaking to said wife except for coparenting responsibilities, and apparently there was some discussion about marriage.

Her latest piece, while lamenting the terrible guilt of having broken up a marriage (why does the spouse who refuses marriage counseling always get NONE of the blame for this???), sounds happy as a clam.


His last two pieces???   O.M.G.

Don't these people read each other's work??? Well, they would do well to.

Because while she's happy as a clam because he's doing everything she wanted him to, he's writing about how UNhappy he is, how he really didn't want to make these concessions, and his last piece recounts the events of a previously written piece with such a different tone I'm afraid he's having a major depressive episode. He's actually written that he's destroyed his life ... and she's happy as a clam! There's going to be a mushroom cloud up north anytime now.


Folks ... this is serious.


And it's exactly what our charts warned us about should I have grabbed that married man's arm.


I've written elsewhere on this site why this is.


It's because, in both cases, we have a very weak male who appears to be hideously, hideously, HIDEOUSLY codependent.


Neither of these guys seems to possess A-N-Y ability to think for himself or to prioritize his own happiness or needs at ALL.

Sadly, our society admires this, because once that ring is on and there's a baby crying in the crib, we are supposed to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice our happiness, even if we're ready to commit ritual seppuku. Why, we're not supposed to give a flip whether our needs are met or not!

It's all about that spouse and baby!! 


Which doesn't work worth a shit, as we've seen, because this is what both my guy and her guy were doing in those marriages until we bitchy mistresses wandered in, and both guys were miserable enough to have an affair.


Because both wives refused to go the fuck to marriage counseling, and care enough about their spouses to fucking apply themselves there. 


Spend too much of your life empty and lonely and without enough of your needs met, and bad things happen, folks. If you're having an affair, you've already figured that out.


You're just ignoring what you know.


Why??


Because THIS is how each of these guys makes decisions: Basing them on his ideal of how he is supposed to be showing up in the world.

Not on whether that actually WORKS for HIM, not on whether he can actually live that way in practice considering how he's being treated, and certainly not on some stupid little thing like, oh, his own happiness.


And what is each man's ideal of how he is supposed to be showing up in the world??


A glowing picture of OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS.

And other people's happiness ONLY.

As long as family is happy, that's all that's supposed to matter. Their spouses could go all Lorena Bobbitt or something, or run over them with a truck, maybe, and they still wouldn't save themselves. They'd still be too, too worried about all the people they've disappointed and all the people their actions made unhappy.


THEY do not enter their own picture at all.

Correct me if I'm wrong: Isn't this the literal definition of codependency???

POP QUIZ, y'all! DOES THIS WORK??

                                                                       A.) Please scroll up.

When making decisions, the only thing that matters to people like this is that THEY ARE MAKING EVERYONE AROUND THEM PERFECTLY, PERFECTLY, PERFECTLY HAPPY. And that nobody, anywhere on the planet, is ever, ever unhappy because of something they did. 


But: You cannot make decisions as if this is all that matters. Relationship does not, cannot work, unless all the people in the relationship are happy.

Now, here's where we mistresses go wrong:

The guy's already told us why he's unhappy. So, of course we believe that if we supply what was missing in this poor, used and abused guy's life, he will be happy. Why? Because he got so flipped out, so crazy with pain from long-term neglect (his spouse's AND HIS OWN!), that he said this.

So of course we motherfucking believed it. But, the not-so-well informed among us fail to recognize the shark in the waters: 

THE GUY'S CODEPENDENCY.

The guy's codependency WON'T LET HIM BE HAPPY if anyone, anywhere, on the surface of the entire fucking planet is in any way put out by something he did. EVEN if they treated him like shit for years!!!

Ah, but we mistresses, ridin' to the mutherfuckin' rescue like Lady Godiva, you know, buck nekkid on that white horse, fail to see this.

EXCEPT ME.

I SAW IT.

Why?? Because I had a mother with BPD. And I read the SHIT out of books about codependency, BPD, relationship issues, you name it, for years and years before this ever happened with this guy. 

Therefore, when an expertly interpreted horoscope transit is describing codependency, I know what that is. I know what that means. And when the guy's already told me he's an adult child of an alcoholic, I know that mutherfuckin' horoscope sure called it's shot.


And when I see a dire warning a few years ahead ... 

                                   ... I know that warning is NO BULLSHIT.


HERE'S THE THING, LADIES:


It is not enough for your married man to move in with you and for you to meet his needs for love, sex, snuggling, and companionship.


What has to happen for the shit to mutherfuckin' WORK is the GUY has to feel his own way into a comfort level with what he's done.


Codependents are going to have a terrible, terrible, terrible time doing this. In fact, they may NEVER BECOME CAPABLE OF IT AT ALL.


Because they have been trained and trained and taught and taught THEIR WHOLE LIVES that they are not good enough, that they are not lovable, that they are not worthy, and that they only way they deserve to have their needs met is when they have made everyone else around them perfectly, perfectly happy and comfortable instead.


Society is never going to agree that it's acceptable to leave someone who's treating them like shit, because THEY CHEATED. The living instant someone cheats, as we all know, the cheated-on spouse gets ALL the sympathy and is held to be completely blameless, no matter how they acted in the marriage, and every and all problems are laid at the feet of the blackhearted person who cheated.


A sobbing spouse and their sobbing children are only too happy to drive this point home.

They don't care how the cheater got treated in the marriage. Who does??


And the codependent has been raised in a home where the parents never thought his feelings mattered to begin with. 


Therefore, the codependent CANNOT ACCEPT HIS OWN HAPPINESS. 

Because HE BELIEVES IT IS WRONG.


Not only that, but the living instant YOU become his primary love object, YOU become the person he MUST please. 


Which is why this guy moved in, made all these concessions ... and now he's spiraling deep, deep, deep into depression and getting ready to leave this chick YET AGAIN.


AND HE HAS NOT TOLD HER AND SHE HAS NO IDEA.

And I saw this. I saw this played out in our transits.

I KNEW IF I GRABBED AN ARM AND PULLED, THIS IS HOW IT WOULD END.

Because it takes an emotionally healthy person to factor his own happiness into any situation where the needs of a group of people in relationship to one another must all be taken into account. And any marriage, any family, is one of those situations. You cannot sacrifice one person's happiness to make everybody else happy. It does not work. If it did, there would have been no affair to begin with!


And the step that has been skipped is THAT PERSON'S HEALING FROM CODEPENDENCY AND LOW SELF-WORTH.

And WHY has it been skipped?? Because that person was busy having an affair!!! (It's easier than choosing to go back into childhood and work on what we learned there about whether we count or not.)


And I WOULD NOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN, FOLKS. 


And I saw that THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD MAKE THIS PERSON HEAL.


The most important factor in a former adulterer's adjustment to being in an above-board relationship with his former affair partner is that person's comfort with the decision he's made to prioritize his own happiness even though other people aren't happy about it and they are crying that their lives are ruined. I thought my life was ruined when my AP left me. Was it true? No. It doesn't have to be true for anyone else, either. Lots of people with divorced parents are perfectly fine with it now and on good terms with all parties. 

You will never feel comfortable or make peace with anything in any way you can live with if you cannot recognize that you are a human just like everyone else and your needs are, not more important than, but AS IMPORTANT AS, your kids', your spouse's, your affair partner's, or anyone else who is making demands of or on you. And that how other people treat you is just as important as how you're treating them. You only get one life, and you don't deserve to be unhappy the whole time just because you've been taught that other people getting what they need/want from you should be the only consideration, and that your happiness and needs don't matter at all. You cannot be an okay person when your underlying assumption is that you just aren't as good or as worthy as other people.


And the only way to get there is to heal from the childhood-induced disease of codependency and low self-worth.


When that guy leaves that marriage and moves in with you, HE HAS TO BE THINKING FOR HIMSELF. He cannot be letting YOU think for him.


And I sadly recognized that all this was far more important than me getting my way and getting what I wanted. Because what I really wanted was a WHOLE PERSON, I would not have ended up happy at all! And I must say, transits far, far into the future bore this out, and I could totally see why it would happen.


If I wanted this guy to think for himself, I would just have to leave him in the marriage to experience out the consequences of ONCE MORE putting everyone else above himself even when they were treating him badly. I could not perform this crucial experiential learning for him.


So, that was what I did.


It was very painful for me, because I had literally nothing left in my life. I was all alone for eight years, and I didn't know how to be alone. I had to recognize that I was basically a narcissist, and that every dream I had ever had was unrealistic and unrealizable. I had to recognize that I am just a poor, fatm old woman, and that nothing much awaited me in life, and that my job was to accept that and learn how to be happy anyway.


It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It's been very, very painful.


But I'm at the end of it now. I've given up on this guy and accepted the life that I have. I've learned how to be okay. 


And it sure is a better outcome than the one that awaited us if I had grabbed that arm, given that married man what he said he wanted, and tried to strongarm him into making ME happy. Which I would have done, because I was afraid of the eight years I've just lived. (And with good reason. They were bad. This is an understatement.)


What's more important than anything else is that that codependent find their own mind and their own self-worth and learn that it's okay to take up for himself and it's okay to think for himself. And he needs to be capable of thinking for himself!! If not, he's choosing you because he got stuck with you, since he let other people make his mind up for him and accepted what they chose, or out of guilt feelings of responsibility for your welfare. Not a recipe for happiness.

This was more important than that dream life I wanted to have (but could only have with a whole person anyway.) Part of that is being able to actually make decisions and live with them in a way that discourages constant ongoing angst and life-destroying guilt.


If I had strongarmed him into it before he was ready ... he wouldn't have been a whole person.


And his wholeness meant more to me than him making me happy.


That is where your head needs to be. Because if a guy is dithering and dithering and dithering about leaving a marriage that's really, truly bad, there's a disorder of self-worth and the ability to think for himself in operation there. 


And you can't have a healthy partnership where one person can't think for himself.


Anyway, this torrid saga is playing out on the infidelity tab on Medium. Grab some popcorn ... you can't miss it.                                                       

***I put this up ON THE FOURTEENTH. Yet the website insists on putting the 15th as the date. WTF???

Venus is sitting on the apex of my yod today, to be followed by Jupiter at the end of April.

Do I expect anything?? Nahhhhh.

Although astrology sort of hamstrung me in getting over this relationship (for, oh, EIGHT YEARS), I still value it for the perspective it helped me reach on not only this but the entirety of my life and why I've spent so very much of it unhappy.

To Explain ...

I'm not sure things like Santa and Disney are good if a child lives in an emotionally unhealthy family. I grew up in a family rife with mental illness and childhood abuse, handed down generation after generation.

Life was so grim as a little kid that I kept that Disney mentality much, much longer than I should have. A kid in an unhealthy family doesn't have great grounding in reality anyway. Decades and decades later I had to let go of some fantastically unrealistic dreams I had made up about my life, largely because I never really got that exuberant magic of childhood and still needed to have that experience years and decades later. When maybe if fantastical stories like Santa Claus and "When You Wish Upon a Star" and "You can be ANTHING you WANT to be!! This is AMERICA!!!" didn't exist, I could have lived a much more realistic life and not ended up so, so disappointed and badly, badly let down. 


Oh, let's not forget the sick, stupid "The Secret" and personal responsibility ethos that tells everyone that YOU are the only thing responsible for everything that happens to you, so if you are not happy with your outcome, it's all your fault for not thinking right, not believing the right way, not being able to force yourself to feel the right feelings, or not working hard enough.

In The Yod Book, astrologer Karen Hamaker-Zondag writes that the yod is symbolizing where three different self-concepts inside a person go to war with one another in a way that is not obvious to the person. As soon as the person tries to do something, another part of their self-concept, or, quite possibly, a bit of fate the person preplanned, gets in the way, and the experience is so confusing the person can't figure out what's wrong or what to do about it. The issues aren't obvious at all. The life gets all pulled off course and zigzagged all around, and it isn't until many years later that it's clear what the purpose was or what the person gained by it. Often we have plans that get stopped by some outside event and we just have to abandon those plans. (Fuck knows I sure have.) Yod holders often end up thinking, "Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?" People end up in very harsh circumstances and feel totally rejected and let down by life. What happens isn't anything they can do anything about.


She writes that with a yod, what the person is trying to do doesn't fit with responses from the outside world, and the person loses confidence and trust. They end up not trusting either themselves or the environment, and if it continues, the person feels as if they don't have anything to hang onto anymore. The person ends up in situations they really didn't want--many times something shocking or scary--or that have consequences they couldn't possibly ever have foreseen. People run the risk of getting stuck in the calamity of broken dreams and can't see that the tragedy is offering them a chance to do something else they may discover suits them much better. There's supposed to be some other new beginning, but some people just remain bemired in sorrow and never find it.

Especially in romance, "people fall in love with a partner who turns out to be very different than we anticipated in our wildest imaginings, or a partner who drags us into a world that is very problematic."


One client, she writes, who had Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune in a yod (same as me) went looking for a stable partner who could be a fundamental support for her. She ended up with a strong man, all right, but he turned out to be a mob guy, and her and her children ended up in danger because of his dubious business activities. (In my case, I went looking for support and ended up with one waffler who couldn't leave his marriage, and one guy who got cancer and died.) The yod-holder's inner problems blind them to things about the beloved someone else might have seen. (I guess we Saturn-Neptune-Uranus-es must not have had a lot of emotional security in childhood, so we go looking for someone to be the parents we needed and didn't get.)


Before a yod-holder can do anything in their life, says this author, they have to not only fix their own issues, but deal with a lot of handed-down generational trauma, and the presence of a yod in the chart is a sign that this person is here to clear generational trauma. People with yods often show up in some circumstance where a situation has reached a turning point. One example is Princess Diana, a yod-holder who showed up at a critical point where the British royal family desperately needed to modernize and become more human and humane. The yod-holder may not be able to affect the needed change, but they're there trying. The yod-holder often ends up functioning as a person who is there to break some kind of log-jam. 


Don't forget that the person this website is about is also a yod-holder. Often when a yod shows up in a chart, the holder ends up in a situation that can't go on and has to change, and the person has to choose, but none of the choices look good and the person feels as if they can't make a choice. (Boy, does that ever apply here.) In short, a yod reflects that impossible situations will occur in the life. Anything at a critical stage or at a turning point is likely to get a leader with a yod or an unaspected planet in their chart. Sometimes a yod activated by a transit will reflect an important fateful or positive event in the life. A person can get overwhelmed and do something unrealistic and really stupid at this time; an escape route that doesn't lead you into balanced development.

Yod people feel insecure and too different from other people, but undergo a turn in mid-life that makes the last half of the life very different from the first half in a way that expresses something unique. They don't recognize their own talents.


People with yods often feel dissatisfied with whatever they got in life. Many, many, many times, plans don't work out, and it's very important not to stake all one's happiness on plans working out. "Is that all there is?" "It's never any good anyhow." "It will all go wrong again anyway." (Boy, is that me.) Those with Uranus in a yod are always searching for information. 


In perusing the coming Jupiter transit over my yod, I looked at some aspects I hadn't studied much before (largely because hardly anyone writes about them and info is hard to come by.) But I saw things like: 

Saturn inconjunct Uranus: reflects that misfortune and hard lessons restrict who I would otherwise be. I fall back on patterns that don’t work because I am insecure and need predictability and stability. I try to seek status or approval because I don’t have any self-worth. I could throw away an existing pattern with no clue how to build a more suitable lifestyle and find myself living in a void. (Which sounds just like me the past eight years.)

Saturn inconjunct Neptune: Restriction, limitations, the way I was brought up, and the way I was taught are inhibiting my imagination, creativity, and dreams. I have an overactive imagination which lacks suitable channels for a healthier release. I end up feeling inadequate, incompetent, and inferior. This may not actually be the truth, but I think it is, so I don’t want to do anything, and the negative results of that reinforce the idea that my creative ideas aren’t much good. Which is exactly what’s happened in my life. I wind up cutting off my own imagination and being a self-defeatist. I am supposed to just be myself and stop comparing myself to others.

What I see looking at all that over the course of my whole life ...

I was born to a very unhealthy family and didn't get the needs a child has for exuberant fun, awe, magic, and to be the very apple of their parent's eye met. I got rejected at every turn, first by parents and then by cruel schoolmates. I ended up believing something was terribly, terribly wrong with me because other people didn't like, love, or accept me the way I saw other children being liked, loved, and accepted. Because I had a mother who constantly transmitted that if only other people would treat her differently, she could feel and act better, and the only hope and guidance I got was that Disneyland mentality, I settled very young on a mentality that I would prove myself very special by doing things that have turned out to be way, wayy, wayyyy beyond my actual capabilities. At every turn, I was setting goals for myself I never had the talent or the opportunity to reach, and telling myself other people would like me, and I would like myself, once I proved I could do this or that.

Look at the ridiculous goals I've had: Becoming a bestselling author. Writing screenplays. Winning over a hopelessly codependent man and experiencing him becoming something he wasn't with/because of me. Just the way I tried to do with my mother many years ago.

The trouble was, I don't have the talent to write a bestseller. I don't have any avenue of opportunity to get anywhere writing books or screenplays. I worked with my late husband's agent on his books, but he thinks I am an idiot, and so does everyone who read the last novel I tried to write. Who did I think I was? I have no talent. I just wished I did, because as a little kid I realized I'd have to be some kind of star or no one would ever like me.

The fact is, to have that kind of blazing, runaway success, every last star in the sky has to line up perfectperfectperfectperfect. Not only do you have to have blazing, runaway talent, far superior to anyone else's, but then you have to hook up with exactly the right help--who thinks you're marvelous and wants to help YOU--at precisely the right time. Just the right and perfect time that whatever genius thing you've done is brewing in the population anyway and will touch the right and perfect nerve in people. After never would have been a thing if One Direction hadn't been a popular band.

And I don't have anything like that. I can't possibly ever do any of those things; and it isn't possible to heal someone else's emotional problems. Only they can do that, with their own decision, the right genes, something conducive in the background, and tons and tons of their own hard work.

All I've ever done is set utterly impossible goals for myself, trying and trying to be liked, and basing my self-esteem on some vision of myself as I would be if I ever got there. It was so deep-rooted and I was so needy, I just kept on and on deluding myself for fifty-four years. I had to get there. I was no good if I didn't.

So I kept making up THE most impossible goal I could ever make up to chase after and chase after, and the universe kept dumping me on my ass so I would notice and STOP. Things were only fun if they supported this lofty vision of myself I had, and when they didn't ... they just turned out to be tons and tons of hard work I didn't want to do anymore.

That's all this attraction ever was ... yet another impossible goal that would make me feel like a million dollars if I ever got it to happen. Because it would prove I was special. Because growing up, who I really was was never special to anyone.

And little children desperately need to be special. When they're little enough that being swung up in Mommy's or Daddy's arms and adored just the way they are is enough to do it.

I need to understand that I'm fifty-four years old and not four anymore. I don't need the things a little child needs. I'm not going anywhere but the nursing home, where I will be all alone, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's the way life is and I will be okay. I can handle whatever happens. I will be fine. I don't need to secure a quarter-million dollar book deal and get written up in all the newspapers to finally prove to people I have a special ability so they will finally like me.

All I am is an ordinary little old fat woman. That's all every one of us will be someday, just an ordinary little old person sitting in a care home, and there's nothing wrong with that. We're all human and that's okay. I don't have to be Wonder Woman and do the extraordinary to make anyone like me or love me. I don't even need anyone to love me. I can handle whatever's going to happen to me and I don't need anyone to protect me from old age, illness, sickness, or dying. Those things are going to happen to me no matter what, I will be old and all alone, and I will be just fine. I don't need to pull some stupid stunt with some married man I've elevated to a status I thought was Better-Than-Me, just so I can feel protected and good about myself.

Basically, I can take every goal and every plan I ever had as a younger person and just throw them all in the trash. I never needed any of it. All I need to do is get up every morning and handle whatever daily responsibilities I have, and that is enough. That is fine. That is all I ever needed to do to be good enough as a human being.

All my life I strained and strained and struggled and struggled to be good enough to have things I saw other people around me effortlessly having. Someone who loved them. A happy marriage. A friend group. A decent home to live in. One of the reasons I was so happy being married to my husband is I finally felt like part of the human race! It may have been a family of one, but finally, FINALLY, I had a happy, healthy family!!

And part of the reason was, we both shared this same delusion that it was necessary to prove ourselves talented at writing in such a way that the world had to acknowledge us.

The difference was, at least he had real talent. I didn't.

And it didn't matter, because I didn't need to be Special at anything to be and feel okay. I didn't need anyone's love. I didn't need anyone's friendship. I didn't need to win this married man. I didn't need anything.

All I needed was to feel that just waking up and accepting an ordinary life and its ordinary ending was all I was ever supposed to do and that it was okay. And losing this married guy and toppling over into endless grief for eight years because I didn't get a miracle was a huge, huge part of me learning that. I didn't need all those things I thought I needed. I don't really need anything. I was just supposed to see that.

It was all I ever needed to do.

Anyway, it's a good thing I finally got there. Struggling to move mountains and believing in Santa Claus and trying to make him appear is a miserable SHIT-TON of work. And I don't have the energy anymore.

All I have to do now in my old age is sit and be ordinary and be satisfied with it and expect nothing, and that's about where my energy level is these days and all I can humanly do anymore.

So, I'm going to take that lesson, and live the rest of my life in peace. And I thank my married guy for the lesson.

I really needed it.                              

https://wellnessoneness.com/my-twin-flame-is-married/" target="_blank">http://https://wellnessoneness.com/my-twin-flame-is-married/

Well, the person this blog is about finally broke a record. He hasn't been absent here for more than two months in ... seven years? I think so.

But, now he's done it. Interesting that his last visit here that I can prove was December 30th. (I did get something weird on Valentine's Day, but who knows?)

So, I think it's pretty clear that after four months of daydreaming and eight years of not being able to let go, this is absolutely all over. I have to ask myself now, what the rest of my life is going to look like.

I'm tired, fat, and old. Thanks to injuries, depression, and not having the use of a working kitchen for the better part of six months, I now weigh 260 lbs. That's more than I have ever weighed my whole life and more than most men.

However, I know I can't make some Grand Goal that I Will Weigh X Pounds or Look Like So-and-So. The living instant I do that and it doesn't go that way, I get more and more draconian, hate myself more and more, and the next thing I know I quit exercising and start bingeing because I absolutely fucking hate my life and it didn't make me weigh X or look like Y anyway.

At this age, all I can do is perform behavior that is healthy most of the time and hope I don't get injured yet again. My body is going to weigh whatever and look horrible. You don't weigh 260 lbs, with legs that look like lipedema, and ever look slender or beautiful again.

Which brings up the point: My body is ugly. Even if I take off weight, my body will always be ugly forever more. If I don't take off weight, I am fat, and if I do take off weight, I will be left with ripples and dimples and sagging, ugly skin. This pretty much takes me off the dating market, as the only thing that matters in a woman is that her body gives him an instant erection. If that doesn't happen she is worthless. So, I guess I'm in the trash can from now on. Old, ugly, fat, and thrown away. Fuck knows I don't want to date with all the ageism and the lookism out there. Why would anyone want me, when, like my late husband, they could date 20 years younger, tighter, leaner, sexier, and prettier? Sixteen years ago, I was the younger woman my late husband was chasing. It's only fair. I had my day, and now my day is over.


I can't imagine ever finding another man like the ones I've dated, anyway. Where would I even meet a person like that? I've been with some of the sexiest, smartest, funniest, cutest, most adorable, educated, kindest, simply WONDERFUL men that exist. Where the fuck would I ever find anyone like that again??? I'm SPOILED. And, you know, considering the childhood I had, I was very lucky to have had the short run I did. (When you don't have your first boyfriend until age 32 and you're widowed at forty-five, that isn't very long at all.) But I could have attracted alcoholics, abusers, narcissists, drug addicts ... I didn't. I got the pick of the litter. (As long as I was young enough.)

So, there won't be any more men. And no, no online dating. The first thing they want to see is a picture. No thanks. I look hideous in a picture.


And we all know, the one thing that defines worth in a woman is what she looks like in a picture.

So much for that. I will be spending the rest of my life alone.


My condo is literally in a shambles. Turns out the problem was rotten pipes under the building, which should have been detected and fixed last fucking summer. At least now that problem is finally fixed. Unfortunately, my kitchen floor and bathroom floor were all plowed up. Everything in those rooms is now packed here and there all around, wherever I could find to put it. It literally looks like a bomb blew up. After making some starts on a healthy diet and exercise, I have been trucking around hotel rooms and my stepson's new trailer like a nomad, because one day I have a toilet in there and the next day I don't.


The good news is, now I have a new bathroom floor, and, after twenty years of hating that slowly disintegraging old kitchen from the 60's, I will have a new kitchen and laundry room floor--Shaw vinyl plank that looks like marble! I can hardly wait! 


I have put off home renovations long enough. For the twenty years I have lived there, I have been terrified to borrow any more money. Fuck knows I still owe so much in student loans and hospital bills it looks as if I may not live to pay it all off. Forget having a savings or retirement. But all that moving of the things has not been nearly as easy as it would have been ten years ago, and I wonder, if I wait until I am in my sixties to do things like paint, if I might not fall off of a ladder or something and get hurt.


Besides, if I wait until I pay off all my debts and then try to save and have it done, I will be 74 before it ever happens. I want to paint the cabinets and have a new backsplash and nice quartz countertops. I would like to have these things to enjoy for twenty years, not wait twenty years gasping and panting and struggling for the money and then die the day after it's all finally installed.


So, one way or another, I am finishing the home renovations I want now. Turns out someone at work has a sister who does wallpaper and interior design, so I may be able to do something with the dining room, too.


I always thought I would have to have a husband to ever be able to live in a decent home there. Well, I'm going to do it myself, and if I die in debt or poor, so be it. Financial stability was never going to happen for me anyway. I'm going to have a home I enjoy, goddamn it, and I am going to have it this year.


And then I am going to enjoy it! 

After that ... I guess I need to figure out what my old age will look like. Since, when you weigh 260 lbs and you don't get around so well anymore, let's face it, you are already old.


I have given up childish notions of ever "being a writer" or having some great and remunerative publishing career. I do okay on Medium writing about infidelity, and that is the best I will do in this life. 


But, that's all over now and I am running out of things to say about it. I am not a therapist with a string of degrees, and I don't know that I want to sit for astrology exams. All that will be left for me to do is get up and drag myself to work every day, try to keep the house clean assuming I can ever get it that way again, and try to eat healthy and get at least some exercise. Beyond that, I guess I can go back to the novel I was writing that everyone else hated--the one that was based on this--and entertain myself with it, if I get bored watching movies and reading other people on Medium.


I don't have any fantasies anymore that it will blow up like After or Fifty Shades of Gray and make my life meaningful and solve all my financial worries. I have Saturn squaring everything in my godforsaken chart. This is not a lucky life. I will be lucky if ten people on Wattpad even notice it.


All I am supposed to do is entertain myself with it. So I will do that, as I get humped over and old and gray and wait for diabetes, cancer, strokes, a heart attack, or dementia to send me to a state nursing home on Medicaid to die alone.


At least I survived all this and maybe I can make a home I can be proud of before I go.


It's about all I can ask for. My plan is to hope for this, and make myself happy with it. 

Some people can ask for the moon in this life and actually get it. I can't. I've had to fight and scrap so hard for things most people are born with, there's no way I can even so much as hope for anything more than what I've set down here, and I'd be lucky to have that. I live someplace where I can have a fireplace and swim in a beautiful pool every summer for $500 a month and still own. Who else can say that??


My job is to take the crumbs I've been able to wrestle out of this life and make them be enough. I will not have any close loved ones ever again, but I will have some nice things, a nice home, a few acquaintances to go eat dinner with once in a while, and some silly stupid thing to write down if I'm bored. 


It will be good enough.                               

https://medium.com/@mosabalkhteb/not-understanding-this-will-keep-you-a-helpless-victim-f3b565fe24fe" target="_blank">http://https://medium.com/@mosabalkhteb/not-understanding-this-will-keep-you-a-helpless-victim-f3b565fe24fe

After I made my post about the astrology of Jupiter around April 27-29, I realized one thing: I should have looked for supporting transits to our Davison. Wonder if there are any?


So, without further ado:


Sun and Mercury conj Moon.

Mars sextile Sun and Moon (although these are separating)

Saturn opp Sun, although it's approaching and barely within 10 degrees. (You know me and Saturn.)

Uranus trine Sun, conjunct Moon, although both these are on the way out.

Sun and Saturn inconjunct Mercury, almost perfect. (Figures.)

Neptune coming into a loose opp with Mercury. (Again, figures.)

Mercury trine Venus

Venus square Venus

Mars sextile Venus, almost perfect. 

On Mars: A Moon square, a Jupiter opp, a Neptune inconjunct. (Yuck.)

Venus sextile Jupiter, almost perfect. 

Mars square Jupiter, almost perfect. 

Uranus semisextile Jupiter, almost perfect.

Venus trine Saturn, almost perfect. 

Mercury and Uranus square Saturn. That Uranus is almost perfect.

Saturn opp Uranus.

Sun, Mercury, and Uranus opp Neptune. (Yuck.) (Hey, at least it isn't Moon.)

Chiron square the nodes.

Mars conjunct North Node. 

Venus semisextile North Node, almost perfect.

Venus square Vertex, almost perfect. Like about ten seconds.   

Uranus trine Vertex, even closer than that.

Mars sextile Vertex.

Sun trine Ascendant.

Saturn conj Ascendant.

Venus conjunct the Descending.


Their Davison:

Venus, Uranus, Mercury square Sun (although they do have a nice Venus trine.)

Mars square Moon, Chiron conj Moon (separating by about 5 degrees.)

Jupiter square Mercury, Uranus trine.

Moon opp Venus.

Jupiter square Venus, Pluto conj Venus, Neptune trine.

Sun and North Node conj Mars. Saturn trine, almost perfect.

Neptune opp Jupiter.

Venus opp Saturn, approaching Saturn square.

Moon and Pluto conj Uranus, Nodal square.

Saturn opp Pluto, Jupiter trine.

Mercury trine Vertex.

Various trines/sextiles and semisex/inconjuncts with nodes I don't think are all that important.

Mercury and Uranus square the Ascending, with Venus sextile, Jupiter trine.

Sun, Mercury, and Uranus conj the MC. (With Mars sextile, Venus semisextile.)


Now: Does Any Of This Matter?

Nope, not in the least. If we were still together, it might, but the guy has broken his record of never going more than two months without checking in here. He's made a New Year's resolution to go and stay gone, and he's keeping it.

That means we're over. Finito. Done. Gone. 

I'll never see him here again. We'll never speak or see each other or have any contact again. 

So, it would have been a turning point of some kind if we had held onto each other, but I couldn't do that, and neither could he. In the interest of making other people happy, we said goodbye. 

So, I hope those other people are happy. I hope he is, too. In general, I think people are happier staying in their marriages than they are leaving for an extramarital lover. He would have traded his family for me, and that would never have been an even trade. 

I doubt that marriage ever became close. But, the thing is:

Neither of these people were comfortable ever being close. They chose each other in the interest of being distant, so that's what they get to do now: Remain distant. In the same house, but emotionally distant. The way they're comfortable. Family, but not too close.

In any case, this is no more of my concern. I'm off to live what's left of my life now, and this is in the past. Eight years in the past, and no more to be thought of.

End, windup, finish.

Moral of the story: Just because it's in your transits doesn't mean it's going to happen. Free Will Reigns Supreme.                           

https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/04/17/how-can-you-handle-your-partners-decision-not-to-have-sex-anymore-in-a-healthy-way/" target="_blank">http://https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/04/17/how-can-you-handle-your-partners-decision-not-to-have-sex-anymore-in-a-healthy-way/

https://www.drpsychmom.com/2020/07/18/wife-never-wants-sex-chronic-pain/" target="_blank">http://https://www.drpsychmom.com/2020/07/18/wife-never-wants-sex-chronic-pain/

https://medium.com/curious/5-signs-its-time-to-say-enough-and-walk-away-e6304a335ecb" target="_blank">http://https://medium.com/curious/5-signs-its-time-to-say-enough-and-walk-away-e6304a335ecb

I know that this is you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zwNwLz2W6c&list=TLPQMjMwMjIwMjNVrrcsmdpV8w&index=2" target="_blank">http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zwNwLz2W6c&list=TLPQMjMwMjIwMjNVrrcsmdpV8w&index=2

https://medium.com/better-humans/what-can-regret-psychology-teach-us-about-a-marriage-in-crisis-3f9d2ba6da42" target="_blank">http://https://medium.com/better-humans/what-can-regret-psychology-teach-us-about-a-marriage-in-crisis-3f9d2ba6da42