What's currently happening in my life and what I think about all this now.
Thinking About This This Morning ... Twin Flame Issues Can Apply to Other Areas of LIfe Besides Relationships
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 22, 2020 at 9:50 AM||comments (2)|
You know, seems as if this awful trauma of trying to rid oneself of a "twin flame" who isn't coming back can be applied to other things. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Like, in the area of writing, or other areas of my life, I'm addicted to approval-seeking and I don't know who I am unless I am seeking and gaining other people's approval. It's like I'm a little two-year-old child who's going, "Mommy. Mommy, look at this!" and Mommy doesn't notice, or scolds the child again, and then the child slinks away feeling horrible. Like the child must be bad because Mommy didn't think the child was good. The baby needed Mommy and Mommy didn't respond. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________So these days I tell myself I have to write something, and I'm going, "This won't be good enough, no one will care anyway, why do I want to do all that work?" I don't know how to enjoy anything unless whoever passes for "Mommy" these days approves, and it's the approval I enjoy and not the activity. People who know how to enjoy being alive aren't doing this. But I don't know on an emotional level how to do anything else, so I can no longer enjoy life. I took away the narcissistic, "I need Mommy to clap" part, and the other part of doing anything ISN'T THERE. And I don't think it ever WAS there. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Some of us are doing this in a relationship with a twin flame. Some of us are doing this other places in our lives. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Of course, when we're doing this, we're really, really vulnerable to the charms of a twin flame who comes and goes and comes and goes. "It's True Love, who cares about anything else!!" When really "true love" is PART of a good life, and not even necessary to a good life, and not the whole life. When you try to make "true love" your whole life--which we'll do because we can't seem to get the other parts of our life to work--what you get is an enmeshed codependent relationship, which never works and, sadly, in the leg in which he comes back, is ALL over our charts til we have a miserable breakup in our fucking SEVENTIES. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Man, when you look at a horoscope and you see THIS shit, you better sit up and pay attention. Enmeshed codependent relationships Do. Not. End. Well. Unless the lazyboneses IN the relationship do their work and get well. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Hmm. A warning, or just a leftover from the other timeline that isn't going to happen now?
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 16, 2020 at 10:00 PM||comments (0)|
As I believe I've posted in a previous entry, every damned tarot or fairy card reading I've done or had done for months has been warning me to expect the return of �?� You-Know-Who. Whether this is simply the product of wishful thinking, a marker for where in the lives of all those involved this would have been if it were going to happen, or an actual harbinger of events we will see transpire in actual life has yet to be seen, but (and I've written this elsewhere on here as well), one thing gives me pause: Her upcoming transits. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________These are DOWNRIGHT SCARY. For this year, she only has about seven that sound halfway good at all, and these are all talking about work and vocational activities. The rest, well �?� ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________If I'm being generous, I can divide those into half that directly forecast finding out about an affair, and half that simply say, "Your primary love relationship sucks." I can take at least half of THOSE and put them in the "affair" category, too, but I try to be as generous as I can when parsing these out. And it's useless to say that I may have the wrong birth time, because as I've pointed out elsewhere on this site, birth time changes your transits very little. Only ones that involve big angles like your midheaven or your ascending change, along with the ones involving fast inner planets like Venus and Mercury, and those tend to be short-lived transits that speed by anyhow. The simple fact is: One way or another, there's at least a fifty percent chance this chart knows it's being cheated on before the end of the year. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Sobering, that. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________That, however, is not the reason I'm writing this. Should it turn out to be true, obviously I need to have a plan for that, and I do, but this week the cards pointed out for me another thing I have to have a plan for, or I'm basically about to ruin my whole entire LIFE. And, no, NOT with the guy. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________So, WTF am I talking about? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I have these lovely fairy cards that were a Christmas gift from a friend a few years ago. Since I've gotten these rumblings about a Possible Return, I have been taking the cards out once a month or so and doing a Fairy Ring spread, which shows you the entire year ahead and makes it possible to discern timing, with each card representing about 6 1/2 weeks. So far they seem to be saying to watch out once September rolls around. In the cards as well as the horoscopes, when I do a proxy reading for each of the two bondmates (it's easier than saying "triangle-mates") the same messages are repeated in the cards as I have seen in the horoscope transits. That's a little unsettling, repeated over many months of repeated card readings. How the HELL can what I want or don't want influence randomly shuffled cards I pick with my eyes closed THAT much?? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________However, the TRUE lesson of the cards is: WHO CARES? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Whether they guy shows up or doesn't show up, the cards show me absolutely desolate by this winter again. You can read that two ways: He shows up and then runs right back home again (which is in the horoscope transits VERY strongly) and I'm miserable because I got DUMPED again; or he doesn't show up and I'm miserable because I know he's never coming back and I'll never see him again. Which is stupid, because if a codependent who thinks he isn't an OK person, who refuses to know his true self, and sabotages all his close relationships by sabotaging himself does NOT show up in your life �?� you might be a good deal better off. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I digress. The important thing is, all three of us keep getting Leprechaun messages: Ones that say, If you focus pointedly on your goal, you will arrive at the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. You can CHOOSE to do this, or you can CHOOSE to get distracted by letting some external event get to your ego: Being hurt, disappointed, flattered, or needing power over others in your dealings with them. I keep getting a reversed one--for this time period right now, in fact--that talks about losing my way by feeling old and as if my life is already over. Which I do. Right about now. I AM older. I keep looking down at this great big gramma belly I have now and these great big fat arms I suddenly have. When young sexy reproductive hormones are gone and the body shifts into old ladyhood, you start storing fat above the waist, and BLAM! Your grandma's figure. Suddenly, you aren't even your PARENTS anymore ...you're your GRANDPARENTS. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Sadly, I got to see my elderly relatives and my husband exit the planet up close and personal. I know that after a certain age, we all end up in the nursing home, incontinent, losing our faculties, and not even able to walk unaided anymore, and since with covid-19 it looks as if the second chapter that could have happened in my life--one more life, with a new home, and a new relationship, and a new career!--isn't going to happen anymore, I feel like I've gone straight from 46 to 86. Yep �?� just marking time here until I'm just marking time in the nursing home. Sheesh, why loiter around for thirty-five more years? The planet's going to just burn to a cinder anyway. Why not just go ahead and get my cancer or my stroke or my heart attack now and skip over all the rest of this crap? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________This card reading, I took the liberty of doing additional fairy rings for the two more years ahead. Just like my horoscopes, They. Were. Awful. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Not lost on me is the fact that I keep getting cards that say, "You're getting lots of spiritual help, but you are choosing not to use it." (Interestingly enough, he gets this all the time, too.) I keep getting cards that talk about the need to believe in yourself, or dreams wither and die on the vine �?� about falling into depression and feeling morose, not taking care of myself, threatening my mental, emotional, and material stability. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Damn. Didn't I JUST do all that??? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The Fairy Ring has a center card, which is supposed to represent you. Mine is this card that keeps talking about children and the need to protect children. I have no children. When it shows up in conjunction with him, I know good and well what it means: I'm supposed to protect his inner child, instead of using him for my benefit (could other people in his orbit please learn to do that, too??) But I never applied it to myself, until I remembered that I have One Lucky Time coming up in my horoscope, that talks about it being a successful time to publish writing. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I gave up on that. First I watched for years as my late husband, a very talented writer who won two more minor awards and then was a finalist for the Shamus Award and the Great Lakes Book Award, ended up having no career because, talented as he was, his first publisher died and his books just never caught on. Then I watched as I posted my first original novel on Wattpad and the world basically yawned. Then I watched as my writer's groups raved over someone else's books and really didn't like my second one at all. THEN I watched as that person sweated and struggled and sweated and struggled to sell, and so far she's only sold about 1000 of her books. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The really depressing thing is that 1000 books is a really good number for a self-published book. You know how many self-published books most authors sell? The average figure is 100. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________One hundred copies. Of a book you struggled for years to write, years to publish. WHAT, one wonders, is the goddamned point? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Then I joined Medium, wrote one article that earned $300 �?� and that was it. Crickets. I was miserable over that for months and months and months. Clearly, I have no talent, I can't write �?� and when even good writers can't have a career �?� WTF have I knocked myself out, lo, these many years for, crying my eyes out when elder care responsibilities intervened and I didn't have time to write anymore? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Let's not forget: My husband's agent--the only agent I know--hates me and thinks I am an idiot. (That's too long a story for this post.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________And I'm supposed to look at a goddamned HOROSCOPE and some fucking TAROT CARDS and think I can have a career as a writer??? Why, that's even dumber than looking at them and thinking someone who's been gone almost three years is going to reappear out of the blue. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What I have neglected to see is that the cards are warning me with will happen if I DON'T believe it. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________This, you see, is how I have learned a great many lessons over these miserable seven years of widowhood. Without looking SOOOO far ahead in everyone's transits most astrologers would take me out back and have me SHOT, I would have completely missed some Very Important Consequences for everyone. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________When I looked far enough ahead, I saw what would happen if I hung onto Chi when he showed back up again in October 2017: ABSOLUTE FUCKING DISASTER. And I saw WHY it would happen, and I saw that every psychology book and video I could get my hands on backed that up absolutely. When I looked far enough ahead, I saw how Chi's wife was likely to destroy her own marriage quite well, thank you, if I simply lifted my grasping little hands up off the steering wheel and sat back and did nothing. I saw that every psychology book and video I could get my hands on backed that up absolutely. And I saw that, as of 2017, at least, that was exactly what was happening. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I am looking at the reality of the publishing world and only at reality. Why do I want to spend my whole life slogging and slogging and slogging away at something people don't even really seem to like, when it's very clear I'm doing it for no reason? Who CARES that astrology and the tarot are telling me, "You can still be a success"? When I've since discovered that most of my reason for wanting to be a success is nothing but narcissism left over from a bad childhood anyhow? Why do I want to be a success, when the whole reason for that in the first place was a big, monstrous, screwed up EGO? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What the cards are showing me is the reality called, "What's Going To Happen To Me If I Continue To Think Like That." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________And it is HORRIBLE. Motherfucking HORRIBLE. Reality may be reality, and it may continue to be reality. And reality is depressing and no bullshit. Just look at climate change. Just look at one Donald J. Trump. (That reality is enough to make you puke right there.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________But if all I do is hit myself over the head with how terrible reality looks all the time, the last thirty years or so I have on this planet are going to be so awful I really might just hang myself and get it all over with. I'll be so old and depressed and useless and purposeless life won't mean anything to me anyway, except suffering and a shit life that ended in more shit life. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________It does no good to believe in tarot cards and astrology like fairy tales: "Oh, MY HOROSCOPE SAID I'M GOING TO BE A STAR!!" Then it doesn't happen and I'm devastated. Been there, done that. Your worth can't be tied up in being A Star. Even Donald Trump is going to have to retire one day, and what will happen to THAT fucked-up ego when that day gets here? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________But if you just mire your nose in prosaic reality, because it's REALITY and you think you have to BECAUSE IT'S REALITY--you end up so depressed life isn't worth living at all. You go around going, "I'm just going to end up in a nursing home anyway, and this is crap and all I'm going to do is bum along in a crap life 'til I get there, and everything before that ended shittily anyway," and look how awful I'll feel. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Either it's going to end up one of two ways: The guy comes back and, after a short hiatus during which he grows the fuck up after I've kicked him squarely in the seat one more time, we have a real shot; or, The guy never comes back and we never see each other again. Doesn't matter which. I can ruin my life all by myself. And either fucking way I get three more years alone to do it in. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Let's say that Reality (which, as we all know, Bites) will be The Winner. it doesn't matter WHAT we originally had planned for this life, everyone knows that Things Go Wrong. Say I really could have had a successful writing career, and, like getting assigned a family full of sick people, a husband that died years too early when we were very happy, a second guy who refused to do his work and grow the fuck up and disappeared forever, Something Is Gonna Go Wrong and everything really does end the way I loathe to think: I struggle along alone in my current career, stressed to the max until I'm just too old and sick to do it anymore, then I end up in a shitty nursing home and fall into dotage 'til I die miserably there at 90, there are still two ways I can get there. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I can get there telling myself all this over and over and depressing myself immeasurably because I'm telling myself that This Is Reality and therefore it's what I have to think; or I could conceivably end up in the same sad place, having given myself a much better time getting there. (Because most of us are going to die before 90 and that's a fact.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What these cards are showing me is I'd better think very hard about taking the second route, because the first route is showing me with severe mental problems if I keep doing this to myself. I mean needing some serious professional help. I mean poor Janice, the therapist who's come along on this ride with me for the past five years, is going to find herself with her head in her hands at her desk after having to commit me on suicide watch or something, going, "Where did I go wrong?" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________(Clearly, that should never be allowed to happen.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Look, if you apply this technique I've had of looking V-E-R-Y far ahead in transits, it's easy enough to see someone ELSE'S wrong turns. The Bondmates have several big ones comin' right up. (Can I go over their house and clonk her over the head and scream, "You idiot!!"? Um �?� probably not.) But �?� it's absolutely essential that I apply this technique TO MYSELF. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I'm assured that if I just find a way to believe in myself, I'm going to have a career as a writer. That's too hard for me to believe. REALITY, and all that. (Besides: I'm supposed to believe something stupid like that from TAROT CARDS and some ASTROLOGY READINGS??? Janice should just commit me now!) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________If I don't find a way to believe in myself or at least have some fun some kind of way, I'm going to miss it. But even if I do find a way to get the stupid novel done in some fashion approaching quality and it doesn't happen anyway, I don't need to hit myself over the head with REALITY so hard that I'm absolutely miserable all of the time. I could find a more lighthearted way to look at things. I might even remember how to have fun--something I lost in childhood and after all these years, STILL haven't figured out. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________It's what makes the difference between dying of Alzheimer's alone at 90 in a shitty nursing home having had a completely shitty life, and doing the same thing having had a better experience for a couple of those decades at least. Which is better, suffering and being miserable the entire time, or suffering and being miserable only the parts that really have to be miserable?? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I've stared at astrology almost five years in the course of figuring all this out, and tarot about that long. You may have to stare at yours that long, too. When you grow up impaired from a bad childhood with sick parents, things that other people grew up knowing and see instinctually take this long and you need this much help. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Which is why I'm a fan of the phrase, "By any means necessary." If that includes tarot (and astrology), so be it.
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 12, 2020 at 3:10 PM||comments (0)|
What I've discovered about this needy-needy-neediness that we feel for friends, for family, or worst of all for a twin flame that isn't cooperating, is that we're codependent. We're not very self-sufficient, and that needs to be developed in us. In metaphysical terms we can call that "needing to clean our energy" or we can talk about it in terms of "alchemy" or whatever, but psychology calls it "codependency" and we can read about it in those terms, too. In fact it helps to do both. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ This stuff all comes from a difficult childhood with parents who didn't fill us up with what we needed as babies and very young children for our psyches to develop normally. So we grow up with a hole, instead of whole. Psychology puts it this way. Metaphysics may put out all this stuff about how we're here to demonstrate love or we're here to be light workers or whatever, and that is a more positive-sounding way to put it for people who are struggling, who don't feel very good about themselves, and have a lot of difficult emotional work to do. However, the truth is that we incarnated to be screwed up by parents like this because we wanted to raise ourselves. Rather than have parents who were already healthy and put the health into us raising us in the messages that they knew we were special and that we have intrinsic worth, we elected not to have that because we were supposed to take control of that part of ourselves from the feet up and do it all ourselves. That means DIFFICULT EXPERIENTIAL LEARNING that starts in a disadvantaged childhood with parents who put us behind emotionally and spiritually, and perhaps also materially as well. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Then we get here and it feels so, so, SO, so hard, we don't believe we can do it. So we sit there mired in horrible feelings until a twin flame comes and kicks our ass and motivates us through SO much pain we're motivated to get up off our ass and finish putting ourselves together in the way we originally intended. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Now I discover the "twin flame community" and many of these YouTube videographers end up talking about a difficult childhood! How did I know this would come out in these videos sooner or later?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Where card readings, psychology, and astrology helped me out is it showed me these dynamics also operating in the other two people in my triangle, which showed me that it wasn't what it looked like: "This person is my salvation who's finally going to love me the way Mommy and Daddy didn't and make me feel secure in these and those ways." It showed me: Here's three wounded people in these and those ways and here's how all three need to heal. It gives you a bird's eye view of the reality of the situation. Once you see that, then you see that the ideal relationship you think you see that you feel needy-needy-needy for, isn't real and here's what you all three need to do instead. Now you have the paradigm shift because you see reality and you can see that you really do need to just go on and finish your healing work and that's it. Your twin flame is so attractive because he or she looks like the savior your parents should have been and weren't. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ But the fact is you're past that stage of development where another person can just put the health into you while you're still little and your brain is still forming. You're an adult, your adult brain is already formed, and no one can do it for you, certainly not your twin flame, who, if he keeps running away, clearly has problems of his own. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Based on what I've seen about this phenomenon called "the twin flame journey," I believe this WAS a twin flame situation, and therefore I have diagrammed out a twin flame journey here in the astrology of the three charts and the diagram I drew. (See Anatomy of an Affair here: https://www.thethinkingotherwoman.com/anatomy-of-an-affair)
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on April 20, 2020 at 10:10 PM||comments (2)|
NOW, HERE'S THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT THIS: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________(I hope this will be easier to read. I'm finally figuring out how to use the underline bar to put paragraphs in this stupid blog feature that doesn't do formatting anymore. I don't get it. You USED to be able to format a damn blog post in webs.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________It is ALL over my horoscope, and ALL over their horoscopes, that it was extremely likely that the affair would resume this year. After that, I was scheduled to be DUMPED again next year (because he's still codependent and still can't leave) and then the relationship was extremely likely to become permanent two years later, somewhere around the middle of 2023 into 2024. Moreover, during the year 2022, I was supposed to finally begin to have success writing, and to see some hope of actually establishing a career at it. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The other funny thing about this is, I did one reading for myself before Covid-19 caused all the lockdowns and then one after. Interesting that the time frame for when I was supposed to see this guy again shifted from the spring to the fall. I couldn't believe that, so I did two proxy readings, one for him and one for her. I imagined that if there was anything to card readings, they would all have to agree. Not only did they all agree with one another, but they also sound exactly like our horoscope transits I began studying three years ago. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Do I believe that any more? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ANSWER: No. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I don't. I really don't. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I haven't seen this person's face in almost five years. I haven't heard from him in two and a half years. I remember back to when this happened last April: I was thinking about this person, whom I'm calling Chi (after Chiron, the wounded healer of Greek lore), and I was thinking I was willing to let the person go and never to see him again in this life, since that was what looked like was happening anyway. I just wanted to know that there was still goodwill, that he wasn't angry at what had happened, that he wasn't regretting it or upset. I put that out into the Universe last April, and I really wished sincerely that there was some way for me to know that. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Here's what happened: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________About the middle of April, I was made aware of an online astrology class for free on a certain Sunday, and of course I was keen to take it. So I was sitting here on the couch with my feet up that Sunday afternoon, listening to the class, and the instructor was going on about an example and I was getting a bit bored. I kept listening, but I posted an article on my Facebook page while I was on there. And, while I was staring at my Facebook page, I got one of those little notifications you get when someone likes your post. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________It was him. Right while I was sitting there. If I hadn't been looking at my Facebook page at that very moment in time, I would have missed it. He left the "like" there for about five minutes, and then I guess he bethought himself that he'd better not do that, because it disappeared. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________*Right* after I had wished for some sort of signal from the Universe that there was still some goodwill there. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I haven't had any signal like that since, even though I did ask for one recently. (Unless you count the person from his area who was visiting this website very frequently, whom I addressed in a prior blog and received no answer from. The visitor from that area has been back. I presume they saw the blog. IF that visitor is even him. Perhaps not �?� although who else from that area would spend THAT much time on this website, I wonder?) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The simple fact is: When you haven't seen someone in five years, it's because they're gone, and they're never coming back. When they haven't spoken to you in two and a half years, it's because they're gone and they're never coming back. When you haven't received even so much as a sign from them in a year, it's because they're gone and they're never coming back. I hoped and I hoped and I waited and I waited �?� for *five years.* What am I supposed to think?? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________There's wishes and hopes, and then there's reality. After five years, all wishes and hopes start to die. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________SO: How do we explain the continued presence of these predictions in a horoscope and card readings, even though the person is long gone and their complete silence is signaling their intention to STAY long gone?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The explanation with regards to horoscope readings is simple: As noted in my Yods tabs, your natal chart and your transits are determined at birth. They explain what was likely to happen in your life and what your potential was AT BIRTH. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________However, we all have free will, and things change. Maybe we were born with the potential to have this relationship and make a go of it. Maybe I was born with the potential to be successful as a writer. However, things just haven't worked out that way. He decided to stay married, and that was it. Whatever I was supposed to have done to establish a writing career, I just missed some cue or some fork in the road, and I haven't done it. I'm on the road where it doesn't happen now. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I don't see what it was I was supposed to have done, I have no inspiration, I don't find this fun anymore, nothing I write has gotten anything much in the way of readership, and I see that I am, in fact, pretty mediocre. Whatever it is that I can say, someone with a string of degrees has already said it better, and pretty much everyone in my writer's group these days has more talent than I do. This I see quite clearly. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________If this has had any good effect at all, it's done one thing: cured me of narcissism. One thing's for sure: Being raised the way I was made me desperate for attention and success, to please my parents and to prove to myself that I was worthy of love and attention. When the fact is, we're ALL worthy of love and attention, and we're ALL worthy of having our basic needs met. ALL people are. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In America we've created this thought construct that only the very top 1% of any group is good enough to deserve anything, and that group, by virtue of being better, has the right and privilege to exploit all other groups, to take, steal, and con basic monies those groups need for basic essentials so that they can afford Gulf Stream jets and their own private islands. (That's why today we have the poor clamoring to reopen the economy even though they risk dying of Covid-19 . . . because we don't believe in a state that assists people even during a global pandemic, and our super rich are using the resources they've hoarded from their tax breaks to escape to their bunkers instead of assisting everyone else. Jeff Bezos could singlehandedly buy all the ventilators we need in the nation and not even count the cost, he's that rich. Really.) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________But this mindset isn't true, even though I, like everyone else, fell victim to it. I, like my parents, like everyone else, fell victim to the idea that if I didn't get the BEST grades, if I wasn't some kind of prominent star, that meant I was nothing and deserved to denigrate myself. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________That's what we all do in this country. Because we aren't the pinnacle of success, we think we don't deserve anything. That's why we don't insist that those who are extremely wealthy contribute back to the common good and help the rest of us. All we see is the top, and the rest of us deserve no common good because we aren't the top. When . . . without the rest of us, there IS no top. So why do we persecute ourselves because we're not the top? When the world's great religions, properly understood, are all telling mankind the SAME THING: All of you are worthy. All you have to do is love one another and SHARE. (So what do we do? We lionize the Jeff Bezos and the Elon Musks, and we murder the Jesus Christs and the Martin Luther Kings and the JFK's. Instead of paying all people enough so they can have a savings to see themselves through crises like this. And we call THAT economy "the one that's going to save mankind." And we're willing to die to restore the economy that's KILLING us.) ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Following this same bent in human thought, I was a real narcissist, because I was desperate to reach the top because I felt worthless. And, if this has done anything, it's cured me of that. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________So what's happened is, Chi and I chose different roads. This happened two and a half years ago, and now it's long over. I had the choice to go back to this relationship two and a half years ago, and I turned it down, because I saw just horrible transits happening if he was still married, and based on everything I'd read and studied, I didn't doubt them one bit. And he chose to stay married. And that was that. We chose that road, and now it's over. The planets will still progress in the heavens the way they do, and all that reflects is the choices we could have made but didn't. Now we're on other roads, and that's the end of this relationship. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________It seems as if card readings, done as they are for this three month time period here and that time period there, would reflect the road we chose and not the road we didn't. So why am I still getting card readings like this? I just picked an online one the other night that talked about having to leave someone behind, and not doing it in a vindictive spirit. Why am I still getting that?? I don't have anybody in my life; that was all over two years ago, and all direct evidence I have adds up to that still being the case. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I guess those who believe that card readings are crap are probably correct based on these developments. Although I will say that there have been times in my life they were indeed spot-on. About three months before I got dumped in a relationship and my husband asked me out two weeks later, my friend who read tarot predicted that, and it came true. The cards also said about my mentally ill mother that I was overly concerned about not causing harm in the relationship, and that there wasn't anything I could do to cause harm in the relationship. (Which I now completely understand: It was so bad there was nothing I could do to make it any worse! LOL!) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________So, I don't get it. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________All I can do is look at these situations, and ask myself: WTF do I believe? Tarot and fairy cards and astrology, or direct evidence? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I believe the direct evidence. The direct evidence that says this person is longlonglonglonglong gone, and that I am not good enough to earn lifechanging money as a writer. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________At least the astrology, I can see the explanation for it no longer being predictive. In my case, astrology has been VERY instructive and helpful, at least up UNTIL the fork in the road, and I can see good justification for using it, as long as one also pursues other avenues of information and their faculties of common sense. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The card readings? They tell very sweet stories, and they're comforting stories to read, but in the absence of direct evidence, I don't believe them anymore. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I'd also like to use this last blog here to bid everyone goodbye. I expect this to become a dead website from here on out, because without anything new happening, I really won't have anything new to say. There won't be anything new to write about. I hope the content here will be helpful to some, and you can always drop me a line on the contact page. I do check in from time to time. For those who've been reading, thanks for being here. If anything new does happen, I'll post about it . . . but I wouldn't bet on that.
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on April 20, 2020 at 9:20 PM||comments (0)|
I've come to a lot of realizations in the past six weeks or so that have utterly changed my entire life and made me a completely different person. I've been wanting to write about that, but found it difficult to organize my ideas. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Until I came upon this linked article: https://medium.com/blueinsight/reassessing-life-after-fifty-619c65a50bc9_____________________________________________________________________ I think the most profound realization I have had is that I don't need to "let life be all about me" because it always *was* all about me, only in a very driven and unhealthy way. To try and explain succinctly, let me answer the questions posed in the article:_______________________________________________________________________________________________________What is the single most important thing you want to accomplish during the remainder of your life?_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________If it's some chore or bit of work in front of me that has to get done, I want to get it done and get it done happily and in a good mood in the moment, not resentfully and with anger, or putting it off because I believe I am supposed to be doing something glorious, in some narcissistic dream of who I should be or will become that has nothing to do with reality. This applies to my job, my household chores, and my maintenance of my health.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________· What do I want to do now I never let myself do in the past?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I did all that stuff. I am done now. All I have to do now is learn to want to do what I have to do._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________· What are the three biggest mistakes I have made in my life and what I have I learned from them that will help me now?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________1.) Narcissism. Believing I have some grand destiny to be bigger and better than other people and accomplish great and noteworthy things because my parents and family didn't love me enough when I was little and I still believe I have to be a renowned star at something in order to be good enough for Mommy and Daddy to love me. Needing and using other people to support a narcissistic fantasy of mine._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________2.) Experiencing myself as a little child who cannot be okay all on her own so she needs someone to be her mommy, daddy, and family to provide esteem, love, shelter, money, food, and care, and aiming that at another person and calling it "love."_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________3.) Living in constant rage at the world or rage at myself because I am not the success I see others becoming. Contrary to what American society teaches us, we do not have to make ourselves a biggida-big-big success at something in order to be good enough to deserve life's bare-bones basics, or to deserve to esteem ourselves as good-enough human beings.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________· What are the twenty-five things I must get done before I die (yes, the old bucket list is still alive as a life concept)?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Nothing. (Repeat twenty-five times.)_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Actually, at 51, what I have discovered is what life will not allow me to be, do, and have, and what I have no choice about. It's quite a list. I can see now that I'm never going to make it as a writer and might as well give up the idea of writing if I plan for it to be for any kind of reading audience or any form of financial remuneration. The person this website is about is never, ever coming back. More than likely I will never pay off all the debt I'm in, have enough to retire on comfortably, or remodel my condo. I will have the job I'm in now until I am too old and feeble to do that job anymore. (And then, if the Republicans abolish Medicaid, god have mercy on me!)_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________I actually have only six things left to accomplish in this lifetime on earth:_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________1. ) Accept the reality of the above list._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________2. ) Eliminate all goals, plans, and needs, especially any that arose from being insufficiently loved in childhood. (Since all of my goals, plans, and needs were unhealthy and arose from my unhealthy childhood, that means I must eliminate ALL of them.) This will enable me to_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________3. ) Learn to be perfectly happy with life exactly as it is.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________4. ) Get old._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________5. ) Acquire a terminal illness, and_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________6. ) Gracefully leave the planet.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________WHY IS THIS ALL IMPORTANT, AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH MY AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN?_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________If you've read the rest of this website, and especially the four panels about "My Yod" you will know that everything I've wanted and tried to choose in my life hasn't worked out. Got Married: Husband died of brain cancer. Wanted to escape career by becoming a writer earning income-replacing money: Met failure at every turn. Tried to Be A Renowned Star at *something* so I could feel like a person who deserved to feel proud of who she was: Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Tried to snare a married man largely for the same reason: Doomed to absolute failure._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Those who have read my yods tab know by now that this phenomenon is symbolized in my horoscope by Saturn at the tip of my yod. Everything, everything, everything I think I need or try to do, the universe puts a block up and says, "No, you can't do that."___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________NOW, HERE COMES THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT THIS...
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on March 17, 2020 at 12:35 AM||comments (0)|
For the longest time someone from this area has visited this website quite a bit. The website localizes the visits to someplace on xxxxxxx Road; however, when I visit from someplace not home, the website shows me about three miles away from where I actually posted from. "xxxxxxx Road" visitor: If you're an astrology fan, I'd love to know what you got from this website that you visit all the time. Can I help you with anything? Let's talk. (As I said, I'm thinking of starting a mailing list, so sign up!) And if this spot on xxxxxxx Road, north of Pxxxxxxxxxx Lake, is actually about three miles EAST of where you actually live, I see you. Hello. I hope you're OK. Happy St. Patty's Day. Happy first day of spring. As you can see, you're missed. Take care of yourself. **EDIT: The thought occurs that anyone could Google this and figure out, possibly, who I'm referring to. I really didn't want to "out" this person, hence the reason I'm posting this website anonymously. So, once I log on and see that the visitor in question has been back and clicked on the blog, I will go back and redact location information on this post.
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on March 8, 2020 at 4:55 PM||comments (2)|
If you think you might want to be updated, if I publish something on here, on Medium, on YourTango, or on the Facebook page for this site, please go to the Contact page and leave your information. If I get ten emails, I'll start a list.
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on March 7, 2020 at 3:00 PM||comments (0)|
OMG. I had hoped this glitch would get fixed, but no matter what, no matter WHAT I do, I cannot get this stupid blog feature to put paragraphs where I actually put paragraphs. No matter how many fucking hard returns I hit. Jesus Christ. I apologize. I'm very sorry. I'm going to try to separate paragraphs by putting underlining in like this:_________________________________________________________________________________ Last July, I pored over my chart. I saw so many aspects that looked as if something big was going to happen in the fall. I had hoped, of course, that it was going to be the person I started this website over in the first place. I had three big periods of heavy vertex hits last year: January, May, October. I think I've written about the first two elsewhere on here. The vertex is the axis of fated events and meetings in the life. So what was this October one about? ___________________________________________________________________________________ Wayyy back in the early days of 2016, I had looked at my chart and his and had a hunch that I was going to see him again in the fall of 2017. But I had only recently even started studying astrology and didn't have much of a clue what I was doing, so I hired professional Alice Portman of Adelaide, Australia, to look at our charts. She said the same thing._______________________________________________________________________________ And, in the waning days of October 2017, it happened.________________________________________________________________________ I felt a little more confident about my astrology as the years went on, and I looked at the upcoming transits after that myself. (Pros are expensive, after all.) As I've written elsewhere on the site, I saw a BIG SPLIT in the transits in both charts after 2017. _____________________________________________________________________ I could have continued to see the guy then, and there was a huge leg of transits in both charts reflecting an extramarital affair that started in 2018 and continued up through this year. But, as I teased this storyline out and followed it, I saw that it had a very, VERY bad ending. If I chose to accept the relationship back again in 2017, when I last had the chance, I would have found myself DUMPED next year. Been there, done that. Decided not to. ________________________________________________________ Not only that, had I chosen to do that, we wouldn't have grown any more as people. I would have remained stuck in trying to change and control someone else, trying to prove something about me, and as for him: If you want a codependent to get better, do not do anything to make him any more dishonest than he already is. He would have felt so horrible about what he was doing he had no choice but to go back to the marriage once it was discovered, and nothing that would have happened would have done anything at all towards encouraging him to go back to childhood, see all the toxic downloads he got then about his own lovability and the acceptability of his own needs vs. other people's, and do anything to change all that. It would have been all about stolen romance and sex on the sly, and trying to cover it up so no one found out. ___________________________________________________________________ When people have affairs, they do this because they think that's their only choice. But, it's never their only choice. You could go to therapy and decide whether to leave your relationship or not, and do it all above board. You could go to marriage counseling and try to fix your relationship. They did that. As I heard in 2017, that crashed and burned. He told me he still loved me._____________________________________________________________________________________________________ The other leg of transits in each chart are sort of sad. He's stuck in a bad relationship and struggling with codependency. I'm *supposed* to remain alone and throw myself into a creative project. (Which I did, but it doesn't seem to be going very well, and I'm about to give up on it.) I also looked at her chart during this time. As I've written in the Yod tab, her transits will basically be the same even if I've got the birth time wrong. What changes with birth time is not the configuration of the chart, but the houses all the planets fall into, which reflects issues of basic character. If I weeded out the transits talking about her finding out about the affair in 2018-2019, what I was left with were transits about a basically good life and a higher public profile (she got elected president of a certain social club here, which I foresaw in her horoscope a year and a half before it happened), but a stagnant relationship. I would say the transits split roughly half and half between each leg.__________________________________________________________________________________ So there goes the theory that there is no free will in astrology. We can definitely choose the road we're on. Back in 2017, I saw red flags and chose the road of no affair. So, all three of us are on that leg of horoscope transits.________________________________________________________________________ Except._________________________________________________________________________________ When I looked at all of her 2020's, I saw a curious shift. Suddenly, very, very few of her transits are talking about anything BUT the discovery of a very serious relationship problem and a love rivalry. She has a precious few talking about things like work and social life going well, and ALL the others are about a downright AWFUL relationship. Half of those specifically are affair significators, and half sure don't rule one out. I put them in the problematic relationship/no affair column because I could, but they could just as easily go in the affair column, they're that bad._______________________________________________________________________________________ Somehow, in 2020, this chart is pretty damn sure it's being cheated on._______________________________________________________________________________ What the--??_______________________________________________________________________________________ If we don't have the affair, how the hell does this happen? (Unless there's a fourth chart I don't know about.)______________________________________________________________________________ Either way, we've definitely broken up by 2022, and he's back with her again for sure. 2024 definitely looks like she gets left and we're together, and that looks permanent. Her transits from that point on just get darker and darker and darker. It's not ALL bad--she gets the Saturn trine Venus transit which, I've come to recognize, in her chart is the marker for, "If you've handled things right, here you COULD reconcile with your husband and have a good relationship." She had it in 2018 and from what 2017 sounded like, she wasn't heading in that direction. Of course �?� maybe they did. Who knows, maybe they found themselves a *competent* therapist this time and the 2018, "You've handled things well and here you can reconcile with your husband" transit actually did happen. She has it again in 2024. Maybe she won't need it. Let's hope so, because it's surrounded by a lot of dark transits that describe an important relationship ending and her reeling, trying to understand why. In between--2016 and mid 2020-2023, most notably--she has a number of transits talking about a good time to work hard in therapy and figure out what in her past is sabotaging her relationships. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PUTTING THE TRANSITS TOGETHER_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In 2016, they were in marriage counseling. I have it on good authority, she didn't use those excellent psychological work transits well at ALL. Hence, the visit I received in 2017. Maybe something happened after that, and things are okay now. If so, I will never know it. If not, it appears I was originally slated to, since the beginning of the affair seen in the transits in late 2014 into 2015 actually did happen, and the relevant transits held a strong suggestion of fate; that we had planned to come together and do this.______________________________________________________________________________ If we don't see each other this year, I find it very, very difficult to envision the 2024 and after reunion happening. I mean, come on. How are you going to reunite with someone you haven't even seen or spoken to in seven years??_______________________________________________________ So, the question is: Is the upheaval in her chart this year, when the chart suddenly sounds pretty sure it's being cheated on, just a leftover from the affair we didn't have in 2018-2019? Does it belong solely to the affair leg, or are the transits so pervasive in the chart because I see the guy again either way, whether I chose the affair in 2017 or not?_________________________________________________________________ There looked at that time like an awful lot of evidence that I would see him again regardless of what I chose then anyhow, so that helped me make my decision to stay out. She was behaving so abominably, it looked as if I could take the high road, not enable him in codependent behavior, stay the fuck out, and I'd see the guy again anyway. So, I rolled the dice, and that was what I did. If he were going to come back again no matter what, we're rolling right up now on the time when I would find that out._________________________________________________________________________________________ Ridiculous, right? I mean, who would make contact again with someone he hasn't spoken to in two and a half years, who said, "You want to stay married, and all we'd do if we saw each other again is have an affair, and we can't do that," at that time? Why would I ever even believe that?____________________________________________________________________________ ENTER: THE TAROT.___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I also learn tarot cards, and I'm getting pretty good at those. Every time I've done a tarot reading on this situation, right up through last year, it looked pretty ugly for me and him. NO, the cards said, This is over. You don't see this guy again. My friend who's been reading longer than I have typically does her readings for the next three months. So, if this is the time, and I don't see the tarot cards flip out of this message, it's not going to happen. Ever.________________________________________________________________________________ Around the first of January, the tarot cards flipped. Suddenly, now I'm getting all these affair and reunion cards. What the--?? _____________________________________________ Not only that, but I also have a fairy deck given to me by a very good friend. The fairy deck has a year's spread divided by seasons, which delineates timing very nicely. At the change of seasons, I do a fairy reading, and oddly enough, the same cards come up over and over, for the same points in time at each reading I do. There's one called "The Fairy Lover" which comes up pretty consistently and seems to be referring to the married man in question._________________________________________________________________________ I do a fairy reading (on Valentine's Day, natch). What it portrays is me being alone through the winter, and then the Blank card comes up about April 20th. What does the Blank card mean in this deck: "The answer is unknowable," "It's not a good time to ask," OR: "The answer is obvious, so you're not being given another card here which would tend to confuse you."__________________________________________________________________________ After that time, a struggle is portrayed in which I need to do the opposite of what I want to do, refrain from violating spiritual law by killing anything or taking something that isn't mine, back off, and wait. According to these cards, the situation arrives late spring, is present through the summer and fall, and departs by this time next year._______________________________________________________________________ Which I would say was total GARBAGE. EXCEPT that's EXACTLY what I've been reading in my horoscopes since I first started learning in 2016, WITH the VERY SAME timing depicted therein! ____________________________________________________________________________________ So: What does all this mean??__________________________________________________________________________ EITHER I interpreted correctly the first time, and he was going to get fed up with the marriage in 2020 no matter what, and I would indeed see him again this year no matter what I did,_______________________________________________________________________________ OR, we had originally planned this and it was once a big event in all of our fates �?� BUT I elected not to do it, and all this is just the marker for where it would have been, had we elected to have the affair in 2017. The marker will come and go, and that will be the end._________________________________________________________________________________ WHICH IS IT???__________________________________________________________________________________ Seems I will find out sometime very soon. He has a perfect Venus square Uranus on the 20th of March (I'll let you look that one up!) Also: Sun conj Vertex, Mars and Jupiter squaring his nodes, North node trine Neptune and sextile Pluto. Then, April 20, I have a solar arc MC conjunction with Mercury and Venus and my North Node sextiling my Sun and Moon, while he has a solar arc Vertex conjunct Mars, DC conjunct Mars, and MC square Mars. Ahem. She gets a solar arc Vertex square Venus, a loose Vertex conjunct Chiron that looks worth mentioning, a Pluto sextile North node that's almost perfect by solar arc, a Uranus square nodes, and a North node trine Mars.____________________________________________________________________________ Markers for something we all changed our minds about that's not going to happen now, or X-marks-the-spot-HERE IT IS?____________________________________________________________ Either way, I have to accept it, because it's not up to me anymore.________________________________________________________________________________ Oh, and those hits I mentioned earlier? I went back and looked at my Vertex hits for October. They all involved Mars. I didn't really care what they were at the time, just that they were Vertex hits and that meant something fated.____________________________________________________________________________ After he didn't show up, I went back and looked up exactly what the Mars aspects are said to mean: "A surge of health."_______________________________________________________________________ You have to say I did experience that in October of last year. After not hearing from this person during either of the Vertex hit periods of January or May, October was when I was starting to think, "Well, it's just as well. I'd only have a person who couldn't tell me or himself the truth anyway, and codependent behavior just ruins relationships and lives anyhow." I still thought one day I'd have a writing career then, so it was easier to just count him as a bad influence on my life and move on and look forward to that._____________________________________________________________________________ Spring DOES last through June 20th. By then the Blank card will turn up.__________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why am I writing all of this anyway??? Especially when I have to contend with this hideous blog tool that does not recognize the hard return and I have to keep going back and putting underlining in and adjusting it to make this halfway readable???______________________________________________________________ I have found that skeptics often look at the fact that we astrologers locate correlations with events in charts retroactively, and call it, "confirmation bias." (I have also found that the term "confirmation bias" also tends to be thrown around a lot when people who don't know anything about a topic want to shut you up.) Here, I'm posting WHEN something was supposed to happen BEFORE it happens, so I don't go back and post about it later and get the "confirmation bias" label slapped on it. I've been seeing this stuff in all three charts for FOUR YEARS.___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Now is when we find out if they happen, or not. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ In the meantime, I know I said I'd go back to the Yods tab and put the relationship yods up here. (They don't have yods; but he and I do, and SHE and I do!! What the--??) But, it sort of felt like a waste of time. Why examine charts that aren't present in my life?? I had also intended to go back and do a full analysis of his birth chart, which I actually have never done since I developed a "method of attack" for those, for the same reason. The guy's not here. Why waste my time? _________________________________________________________________________________________________ I may eventually go back and put the relationship yods up there anyway, because in every case they're instructive, if you're trying to learn how to read and interpret a yod. If he doesn't show, up, though, what's the point in taking his chart apart? My original intent was to see what the prognosis for codependency recovery in that chart actually is. Definitely useful if the person is in your life! (SHE might want to know! LOL! But, if he never shows up again, what do I care?) Eventually, however, I will put the relationship yods up.
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 14, 2019 at 3:55 PM||comments (0)|
Nodal Return (mid-July) Saturn and Pluto conjunct South Node Venus conjunct Neptune Sun conjunct Mars Sun and Venus conjunct North Node (mid-July) Moon conjunct North Node Neptune conjunct Chiron Mars conjunct Mercury Moon biquintile MC Venus sextile MC Saturn sextile MC Neptune square MC Chiron sextile AC Jupiter quintile AC Jupiter square vertex Neptune opp vertex Saturn trine, Pluto trine vertex Moon sextile vertex Sun sesq Chiron Neptune opp Venus I could go on �?�
|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 14, 2019 at 3:30 PM||comments (0)|
The thing's gone all wonky and WILL NOT accept any formatting, no matter how hard I try to put paragraphs in. Entire entries disappear and reappear for no reason. Any punctuation other than a period today is appearing as a series of question marks and I have to fix it over and over again. I'm on the verge of just taking it down and not having a blog here.