When you find out your spouse or intimate partner cheated on you, the shock can be cataclysmic.

A lot of the symptoms betrayed spouses go through sound a lot like the symptoms of depression, grieving, and PTSD.

You might feel sick to your stomach or actually throw up when you find that undeniable evidence your spouse is cheating.

People write about having to hold onto the wall to even remain standing.

As time goes on, people write about feeling like they’re inside a kaleidoscope.

Their entire history with the person they married flies and tumbles around them, and they don’t know what’s real anymore.

When did the person start lying? Was the whole relationship ever true? What parts do you believe?

One of the first questions you’re going to ask is, “Why?” It’s natural to want to know if there was something you could’ve done to prevent the infidelity.

Yet, take a step back and make sure that you’re asking that question for the right reasons.

The last thing you need to do in this vulnerable moment is compound your feelings of betrayal with unwarranted feelings of guilt.

It’s useful to ask, at this horrible time in your life, “What was going on in the relationship that this happened?”

But you don’t need to turn pejorative guilt on yourself, asking things like, “What was wrong with me that this happened?” or things like, “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

In my experience, there are three main reasons an affair happens.

1.) A cheating partner has serious emotional problems that prevent them from experiencing empathy for how you’re going to feel about the cheating.

Examples include when a partner has strong features associated with narcissism, or when there’s drinking or drug use or other serious emotional problems. Personality disorder-level emotional problems.

2.) The cheating partner doesn’t have the skills or courage to persist in standing up for themselves and pushing to resolve tension in the relationship … or to leave when that’s absolutely necessary.