October 12, 2023
So, today it was a lovely day outside. I had the day off, and had a doctor’s appointment to go to. Of course, these are no fun, and it was all the way north of town, but the good thing about having a Mustang convertible and nice weather was I got to tool around town with the top down.
After my doctor’s appointment, I went to a pho restaurant I like for lunch, then my favorite health foods grocery store, and then home.
And almost the whole time? I was sad.
It’s always sad for me to go to that part of town and to this restaurant. Every time I do, I always remember those days nine years ago when we would meet and have lunch together. We were only able to do that a few times … but they were very happy days for me, and I have such good memories of those times.
I remember him saying he would go with coworkers to a different pho restaurant close by, and how I always wished I could try that one out with him someday, and bring him to the one I go to. And every time I’m up there to eat pho, I’m so very sad that never got to happen. You can’t really eat pho anywhere else, because where I live there are few pho restaurants and they are all clustered around this area of town. It was the same time of year, same weather, and it’s as if I’m nine years younger again and traveling up to that end of town to see him … only I’m not. And I never will again.
When you’re younger, it’s easy to believe, Oh, don’t worry, something, someone else will come along! And when you’re in your thirties, maybe it will. It did for me. I got dumped by the only guy I thought I’d ever have sex with, and TWO WEEKS LATER the guy I’d marry asked me out.
And eleven years later, my life was essentially over.
In your fifties, especially if you’re female, if you’re alone you might as well forget it. Career aspirations you had when you were young, if they haven’t happened by now, have proven themselves to be pipe dreams. You aren’t going to meet another partner. And I’ve done the running-around-trying-to-find-new-friends-and-interests-and-restart-my-life thing. It was sobering and depressing nine years ago and I don’t see it happening now, either.
The really sad thing is, I can’t even IMAGINE finding anything that would have made me as happy as what I hoped for then. Supposedly “It’s Out There!!!!” and it’s all my fault for not being happier, for not being more outgoing, for not being whatever different person I would have to be to attract it or to find it.
Okay, so it’s all my fault. This person’s job is not to make me happy and I get that. If he chooses to stay home and make his family happy that’s his prerogative and I hope he is happy with that decision as well. I’m the one who’s supposed to find things in the world to make myself happy and content. I’m the one who’s failing myself and falling down on the job.
But what if you can’t even so much as IMAGINE anything better than what you left?? Because I can’t. I really can’t.
I try to appreciate what I have these days and that helps. I FINALLY got my kitchen remodel done and I actually have the beginnings of a beautiful home now. I sit outside and enjoy the porch and that helps. I know I am in the twilight of my life and not much more is going to happen now other than health decline and aging, work, and struggling to pay bills. It’s really sad to know the best times I will ever have are all gone, and there’s nothing left to look forward to. I know I won’t have a writing career. I can go through the motions, but nothing’s going to happen.
I’ve lived my life. This is it.
How can I help but be sad about how this has turned out?
I did the right thing, I stayed out of it and left him with his family. The Marriage Must Be Preserved At All Costs. Other People Are Happy And That’s What’s Important.
But, I know I would have treated this person a whole lot better than he was being treated. We could have had a shot at being happy. When I go up there I see all around me the ghosts of what could have been, and that is very sad.
I know a writing career never could have been. I simply am not good enough. I never will be.
But me and him?? THAT could have happened.
Oh, well. Not my choice; nothing I can do about it.
It sure would be nice if something better than this happened to me before I die. I think I’ve more than earned it.
But I surely DO NOT expect it.